Not Really a Resolution... But a Resolved Solution....

So of course I'm off today doing shit with my life.... And I'm scrolling my Facebook news feed... My homegirl who has been having a particularly shitty go at relationshits of late wrote asking how she could choose awesome friends, great lovers, but fucked up partners.... Of course I'm beyond the point in my life where I am going to step up to that paradigm of mind boggling whatever. But. What I did do was give her my thoughts on where that shit leads. I mean cause honestly if we are going to do that, we gotta realize how that shit effects us. And I'm tired of being effected so fully & negatively by relationshit. Ive decided I'll take 2012 the same way I took 2011 in stride. I'm timed f being hurt & let's just be honest at 30 I'm tired of even being bothered. I figure you gonna take me as I am or get the boot. I am over crying bashing crashing my heart into the wall... Well anyway... This was the resolved solution I shared... And hopefully it doesn't sound too much like something I've said before, but if it is, it means I'm still looking my goal squarely in the face & I'm refusing to give up on what makes me fulfilled & happy. And honestly ain't that kinda where we all need to be anyway?!?

"At 30 after much soul searching hurt feelings bitching bashing sessions I have decided if 2012 brings me all that 2011 brought include awesome adventures great trips random explorations lots of laughs cool experiences & even doper people to share these experiences with, while yet alone... I'll take it. Because I refuse to continue wondering whining pining hurting asking why or what went wrong & when & how I can stop it from happening again. I have fully realized this year that my love is too full too voluptuous too righteous too honest too open too passionate too real & too free to be trampled over to be cast away to spend my time wondering how this time could have been different. I have dated the same person since I was 19, they've all had different names different faces different "issues" but they've all been the same brooding emotionally unavailable person. And I have learned I don't deserve that... So until I meet & receive who I deserve I will fly this journey solo & I will enjoy it... Because really what choice do I have otherwise?"

From God's Lips to Mine....

One Day He Who Shall Remain Nameless Will be Named.... Overtly....

So. The other day as I perused my twitter timeline I came across a link to one of the few blogs I'm still subscribed to receive emails from regularly. The current blog referenced a previous blog that I figured I must read immediately. That blog http://tinyurl.com/sugatellsmytruth Lawd.... That blog definitely had my eyes moist & my throat constricted. I was taken aback by the fact someone else was telling my truth. It was super hard for me to open myself to the possibility of a relationship simply because the last time I tried my heart wasn't broke so much as disregarded. So when I did it this time around I figured oh... Well he pursued me so this won't end that way... I was clearly focused on enjoying the end of my twenties & having as much fun as possible, until he who shall remain nameless aka hwsrn entered the picture.

I won't spend a lot of time on hwsrn but I will say that I enjoyed the little time we spent together. I have realized that instead of me focusing on him I'd focus on what he opened within me & the fact I realized that if I wanted to, I could definitely be in a relationship where I allow the man to take the lead. Even though my feelings were hurt by hwsrn, I understand the purpose that he served in my growth. I didn't like it. Nor did I enjoy the time I spent growing & learning the past eleven months I understand that those months were spent alone so that I can grow. And step outside my norm. I've learned or accepted rather, that even though hwsrn didn't "appear" to be the same as the formers before him, he did fit a pattern. He was similar to everyone before him in that he was the emotionally unavailable moody artist, that I date. Continuously. He was a better version of the dude I dated, though different from the ones before him, yet still a variation.

Hwsrn was exactly who I wanted & needed him to be. I cannot blame him for anything more than who he was, he was everything he could be, it wasn't his fault that he lived up to my expectations. Wasn't his fault that he reflected everything I ever put into the universe. An improvement from the ones before him, yes, but still not quite the needed....

I've decided that instead of constantly dating the same moody unavailable person that causes me that level of discomfort or pain, I've decided to stop outside myself & become open to the possibility of maybe with an "unfamiliar" face. I've decided to step outside my norm & become willing to date someone somewhat different. As much as I want to clam up & not ever experience hurt pain or discomfort again, I know that's not what's supposed to happened. I know that in my future I am supposed to find a "He Who Will Be Named Overtly" and loved plainly.....

Until then... I will enjoy my flirty thirty. And dance fully in the rain snow & sunshine....

From God's Lips to Mine....

Sometimes.... I wonder things. Then God reminds me, "That's really not your place..." And then I work to kind of avert my thoughts to other stuff....

~Reflections upon Thanksgiving. And humans.

From God's Lips to Mine....

My. Twenties. Were. Hard.

My. Twenties. Were. Hard.

That's it. They were hard as shit. Fucked up relationships. Fucked up friendships. Fucked up identification of self. They were bad. My mama was diagnosed with cancer. Folks died. I was unemployed for a year. Had two life changing experiences with dudes who were utterly pointless and meaningless.

Yep. My. Twenties. Were. Hard.
I'm saying I gained massive amounts of weight. Didn't get my degree. Fucked over money. Let people fuck over me. All of that.

And then I made it. Every year. I made it. I got through it. All the anguish. The hurt. The pain. The fucked relationshits. The fucked up friendships. My mama survived cancer. I did not make permanent additions to my life that would have altered everything about who I am.

I made it.

And now. I'm waiting. Anxiously. Expectantly to see what these thirties will be bring.
My head is up high. My shoulders back. My back is straight. And I am stepping happily forward. Not spending my time looking back because there is too much to look forward to....

And you know what?!?

I'm ready!!

Cause chile... My Twenties? Honey. They. Were. Hard.

From God's Lips to Mine....

Breast Cancer- The Beauty of Survival

February 13, 2009 I got a phone call from my mama that sent my life into orbit. She went to the OB/Gyn to have the reading of her mammogram. Pretty routine appointment for us, cause mama got mammograms every year.

But. This time was different. I heard a sob in her voice, and my mama ain't one for public bawling. Then she said to me the words I never thought I'd hear: I have breast cancer. From there she broke down!!!! All I could do was fall on the couch. I prayed it was a lie. A mistake. I hoped that it wasn't true. But it was. My granny Freddie went to the parking lot to meet mama. Stayed with her & followed her home, so she could rest.

From the diagnosis to surgery to rigorous radiation was the cycle of the next few months. In fact the radiation was so rigorous & aggressive that if we ever see a reoccurrence mama wouldn't be able to undergo radiation. Only chemotherapy.

I remember going with mama to appointments & hearing the horror stories from the nurses. I remember hearing about one lady who stopped doing radiation because the cream they give you for your skin ruined her tops & blouses. I also remember my mama going to walgreen's to get "white tees". I promise this was the only time I found it useful we had an abundance of white tee shirt outlets in the hood.
Another lady had a double mastectomy. And insisted the doctors gave her implants as soon as she finished treatments. Because of the size & placement of the implants doctors were unable to find or check for reoccurrence of lumps & she subsequently died when her cancer reappeared & it took too long to diagnose.
My mama. No mastectomy. Just a lumpectomy but she was willing to do all that was necessary to increase her surviv rates.

There were so many women that refused to take the Femarra medication prescribed to breast cancer patients because it makes you gain weight.

My mama takes her medication. Walks to & from the train. Removed many things including most processed foods from her diet & while she's seen some weight gain, she's also still here.

Breast cancer it's not all pretty pink ribbons & some days it's downright ugly when you're trying to make sure there's enough cream on your mama's breast to make sure the cotton tee shirt does not stick to her badly burnt breast.

But when you can look back two years later & remember The treatments & still hug love fuss with & thank god for your mama those not so pretty moments are over taken by the beauty of her survival.

From God's Lips to Mine....

My mama always told me....

To never depend on other people to validate me. She also told me that on October 19, 1981 8:30am she only had one baby... So that's the person I need to worry about. She also told me the only ass she better catch me kissing is hers cause hers is the only one I'm dependent upon....

As I approach thirty I reflect upon those words... I am often told that I drop people out of my life & existence way too easily for them to have been real friendships but I'm not sure that I agree with that... I think that I understand that friendships truly are for reasons, seasons, or lifetimes and when it is time to bid adieu I'm just more willing to acknowledge that vs sitting around trying to force it to work... I understand that people have their places in our lives for whatever reason they are there but I'm also willing to let folks go... I'm not callous just honest... I'll still wish you a happy birthday make sure I greet you at the turn of the year, but if you have outrun your time in my life I will let you go...

And no this isn't a "warning" that I'm kicking people out... It's simply an acknowledgment that I understand why you & me are not going to speak very much in the future and to acknowledge those whom I haven't spoken to often or at all in the past. I still love you. Jah blessings to you in your future endeavors. Respect to your familia... Growth overstanding & wisdom....
Freedom...

Be at peace with the fluidity of the journey...

But for now in this time... Our time has ended....


From God's Lips to Mine....

Just Wondering

Ummmm sidebar of life... Are these Keith Sweat songs I keep hearing on V-103 NEW cause it sounded like he was doing a concert.#bbmconfused
From God's Lips to Mine....

Dear Future...

Dear Future(whatever) you're gonna have to understand, the only AMs I see w/out reluctance are those following my pm life....
I don't do mawnings except for yawnings & wishing you a great day...
I.

Am

Not

A

Morning(mawning)

Person

I wake up around noon. I stay awake until 4/5am....even if I'm IN the bed believe there's a book cell phone lap top or something w/me cause I'm not sleeping yet...somehow this hasn't BEEN a problem too often in the past...hopefully the future next understands the only time I'm out the bed before noon & it doesn't involve work it must be a special event. Except those extra special occasions when I see fit to make breakfast in the morning before you leave...just cause I dig you that much...
Its nothing new....I've always been nocturnal...night gives me a certain anonymity that doesn't happen during daylight & blending in & disappearing is a natural preference...

Dah well...maybe I shouldn't be 1uppitynegress...maybe from now on I'll be something lame like... The Nocturnal Flame....

Lol.....
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

Sometimes I wonder....

Because of my heightened understanding of neurosis & mental health issues I understand & recognize that I'm playing Russian Roulette w/my sanity. I know that its only a matter of time before I crack break or go completely numb. Upon recognizing that I also understand that anxiety/panic attacks are precursors to the manic break.

I haven't had a panic attack in about a year or two...not because I haven't been stressed or upset to the point of breaking, its cause when I feel one getting close I do all that I can to redirect the energy towards something else. Possibly just as stressful, but differently so. Probably not the best idea, but it works. That & writing. I write myself towards sanity, cause I know that complete sanity is just a farce at this point.

Last night I had a moment on my twitter time line cause I was so overwhelmed & I needed to calm myself & at the moment I didn't have any words so I needed quiet & calmness....over course there were probably those that thought I was being anti. Its cool. Many manic people suffer that stigma cause explaining mania is way too hard. Especially in black communities.

Anyway. None of that is what I was thinking when I started writing this... I actually started writing cause I began to wonder what the fuck would the people around me do if I started having a panic attack in front of them....I'm guessing initially they'd prolly wonder what's wrong & ask if I'm okay...but I'm convinced w/in an hour or two they'll be right back to asking me to do this go there read this support that....come to my house, see my new____....
I know they will simply cause they don't even see the signs. Instead they just keep pressing.

I guess it ain't their fault though...it ain't like I wave banners saying, "hey I'm overwhelmed & need a week" shit. It ain't like my life could afford me that long.


But damn I do wish I could sit in complete silence for about 26 hours....


peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

Wanting that old thing...feeling...back...

If you follow me on twitter you've already seen the beginning of this blog...and if you don't, you may wanna hit the time line to get the other parts of this cause I ain't starting over from the top....

So

In my reflecting & reminiscing, I've been thinking about the security of having a dude & how it feels to know that you have a dude more than the actual having of the dude.

Confusing?

Yeah. So is my life, brain, existence, dwelling & patterns. Read me more often & you'll become accustomed. Or you'll stop reading & never have to worry about it again. Either way this is all I got to offer.

Me.

Flaws

Confusion

Brattiness

Snarkiness

Cattiness

Selfishness

Me...

So anyway...
I think the things I miss the most about having a boyfriend/boo is being held by them while sleeping. None of the big stuff of having someone to date(nice) sex(awesome) a companion(wonderful).
But what I truly miss the most is having someone to sleep beside & put my head in the nape of their neck(one of the advantages of being 5'1 is there are very few dudes that aren't tall enough for you to somehow fit your head in the nape of their neck, while it may be difficult when rocking weaves & wigs as big as I like to wear, I somehow still manage to get into that itty bitty slice of space).

I've always been affectionate. I love hugging my friends. My good friends know that when I'm cold sleepy sad hungry bored or whatever I'll get all in their space & snuggle up to them regardless of the time & place. Or the sex of the buddy. If I need a snuggle I'm getting it. And having a constant companion ensures that I don't have to steal snuggles from my indulgent friends, I can have that from him.....

This has of course done nothing to reduce my not really longing, but desire, maybe that's the word, for a companion. But I don't know. I may come out this funk in a few days & figure that snuggling w/my homies is enough & I don't need a him to snuggle with or lay on...but somehow I doubt it.

I mean I'm perfectly okay w/sleeping alone 26 days out of 30. But something about Day 27 has me all up in my feelings and all the body pillows in the world can't put their arms around my lower waist pull me in close position my head under their chin & ask me if I have enough room.....

peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

Gat Damn Girl!

Ladies!
I know we loves our men....we loves them...dirty drawls & all we still loves our men... Don't matter if everything that comes out that man's mouth is cash money bull shit...we loves our men....and since we know how many sisters don't have a good man we find ourselves feeling the need to "protect" our sure thing from all these vultures out here trying to cast a spell on our sweet thang....


Yeah right

I mean come on....that's bull shit
If he's yours...then he's yours....you aint got to climb your insecure ass in his lap every time he's having a fucking conversation w/another chick! I mean really?!? You gonna all but straddle this man in public cause he's having a conversation?!? But isn't he FUCKING YOU?!? Grow up sis. He's not that attractive to everyone....and even if he was....have a bit more confidence in what y'all have....you don't have to slither across the room & stand guard because HE not SHE said something to one of the females in the room. And if you're that insecure, maybe you should tell him he isn't allowed to have conversations w/other women...

But. If you do that you may run the risk of him realizing how insecure you are and also the possibility that he's not that into you....and that well neither of those options are quite pleasing or appealing....

Something has to give though...when people are in public places doing normal benign tasks & you creep up wiggle your way into the conversation or even worse his lap folks are either going to conclude this is the 1st time a man has showed you attention or you have issues with your esteem....either option sucks for you...

So in the future stand down sis, I'm sure he got plenty left for you...I mean you ARE the one he's going home with.....right?
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

"So Te how has everyone else reacted? And by everyone else, I mean guys?"

Talking to my bffs & her husband while visiting w/them & their brand new beautiful baby girl, we somehow got on the subject of my hair.* Well...not really somehow...my hair is something that always comes up w/me & him only cause its always something completely different from what he saw the last time...at least generally speaking.
But last night he asked me something no black person(he's mexican btw) has even thought to ask..."So Te how has everyone else reacted? And by everyone else, I mean guys?" (I should insert that my love life or lack there of is always a subject w/him& I...especially when I'm actually dating..ha!) I had to pause...cause it was so funny that he'd asked this soon after me thinking about the different reactions I receive from males & females. And I know that by nature most men love hair, as our femininity is associated w/hair, but I have definitely had mixed reactions from my male friends. They all acknowledge my beauty, guess cause that's an undeniable fact-no asswhole....but they still look as if they're longing for the days past when I had something for them to run their fingers through(ALL of my male friends play in my hair-regardless if there's a sexual affection or not-been that way since my youth-it ain't changing).
But on the other side, every single one of my female friends have told me how this hairstyle opens my face & allows my bone structure to seem amplified. Funny thing is I didn't realize how long my neck was until I sent a pic to my bff & she commented on the length & grace of my neckline...lol...I never thought that far...I was just tired of combing & maintaining my hair.
BFF's husband upon hearing my response said to me, "well I'd imagine it takes a certain amount of confidence to wear a style like that huh?" Never thought of it that way but I guess it does...a freedom w/in self I'd guess....I don't know for sure cause like I said I just woke up one day went to the barber shop & told him to cut it low...that's it...I wasn't liberating myself from a relationship, job, or anything else...I was just tired of worrying & fussing over hair. I've maintained the short cut for a while...but now for the spring I'm thinking of letting it grow some...or completely...who knows...

Funny that the first time I'm writing about my hair in months I'm rocking a wig over it cause its time for a new color...guess even when I'm trying to keep it low maintenance it still isn't...dah well...the paradoxes & dichotomy of my life keeps it interesting....

*to clarify I was sitting w/two of the three BFF's-but one of them is now married w/a brand new beautiful & gawgeous little angel!
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

So...yeah...my love life huh?!?

Yesterday I hung out below the Mason Dixie...or at least what I consider below it...the only suburbs in Chicago not really accessible by public transportation...the south suburbs at my mama's house....

We always have a great time, and now that we no longer live together my momma sees these visits as her chance to find out everything in my life... And of course yesterday was no different...while riding to the grocery store my mom asks me about my "love life". I chuckled ruefully & wondered...so how does one answer this one? And then I told her the truth...there wasn't much of a love life to describe...for the past 2-3 yrs every guy I have dated or attempted to date has had an inability to adjust to my schedule & my complete lack of availability at some points....the one dude I was dating that could understand my life, seeing as his was just as tumultuous & complicated, had a serious of unfortunate events that led to him & I no longer being a "him & I".
I've learned that I need to be truthful w/guys that are interested in dating me, cause to have a dude try to take you out & for 6-10 consecutive days you have to remind him you work full time, attend school-full time, have two free lance operations-both of which equal a full time job....tends to make guys think you're not so interested in them.
I ran down my schedule to a dude the second time I was able to talk to him after meeting, he asked me at that point, "so why did you even give me your number, there's no way in hell I can squeeze into that schedule". What could I say? I bend & adjust for guys that are worth the trouble, but 2nd conversation in? I know nothing about you & whether or not you're worthy of my canceling appointments or doing homework at work so we can go out directly following work...
I've tried to better juggle my schedule...even reducing one load or another...but no matter what something or someone gets slighted & I feel like complete shit for doing it....

All of this went through my head when my mama asked me, "So Trice, what about YOUR love life, what's going on w/you?"

I simply nodded & said to her "w/my life right now, not very much..."
She wrinkled her forehead, and said, "but you're out of class & off work everyday but 9...why can't you just adjust some things...."
I could only nod & say "I know mommy....maybe one day though..."
And for now that's all I can say...maybe one day...but for now...my blackberry is the only "dude" I'm sleeping with these days....

Le Sigh....taking over the world is awesome...I won't complain...cause not many others can live my life & there are those that would happily trade me for it....

Dah well....
Toodles Smooches & Sixty Seven Grande Americanos loom before me...and I'm supposed to be working...not writing....until the other side of the moon....
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

And...she stood from afar watching them...as they scattered around here & there...running from place to place in circles as though in a maze....none of them stopping to enjoy the nature & earth around & beneath them...
And she realized that was the problem...
She murmured to herself quietly...
"Oh that is the problem w/you mortals & your feelings...you don't know how to truly feel & experience & understand"
And with that she took flight back to the heavens to sit among the deities & other enlightened ones...
And they...the mere unseeing mortals that have not lifted the veils from their eyes always wonder why she's alone when she appears, where stands her companion for they cannot see or fathom that she sits amongst the God's of the universe patiently awaiting her mate's ascent to the heavens beside her....
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

thoughting....

“You people bore me so…with your ordinary lives and normal existences…I often wonder how frightening it would be to be “normal”….”

—	me…during the intoxication…or just during life…who knows really? I've never really been normal have I?!?!?

Madness & Mania is sooooo real

This week I was privy to the madness that will overtake my mind if I'm not careful to stop & rest.
If I don't remain diligent about staying in my lane & remaining on my path I will truly lose my mind. That's not an acceptable option so I'm treading slow staying in my lane & learning now to stop attempting to save those that aren't attempting to save me...those that siphoning from me but not pouring back in to me & my spirit.

I thank the creator immensely for showing me that glimpse of what madness can do if left unattended...
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

Since my spirit ain't right cause of things I'm experiencing...I know that I'm supposed to remain in silence. I know I am. I know that I could've said these things on facebook or twitter but since my spirit so caught up in these things I know I ain't SUPPOSED to do what I COULD do.....

There are too many of my sisters laying w/men that don't have their best interests at heart.
Some of these men know they're on folly....but some...some have no idea what hell & wrath they are setting forth...
But too many of my sisters are laying with men that are doing nothing but harming them. Hurting them...
And we've got to stop.
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

Ohhh damn I ain't know it was THIS long...stretching out I guess...

Ahhhh....love...

Wonderful

Awesome

Beautiful....

Love.....

Amor

Amour

Αγάπη

Amore

All those wonderful words...all meaning something everyone is searching for...something everyone wants.

People kill for it

Die for it

Steal for it

Live for it...

Something as abstract as beauty
Concrete as a building

Something everyone yearns for-

Often imitated...many mistake lust for it...confusion infatuation with it.....

Love...
As elusive as LoVe is everyone around me seems to have been bitten by the love bug in some way or fashion. I often wonder what makes someone drop the L-bomb...is it good sex? Camaraderie? Someone that makes you feel good?
When is it appropriate to drop the L-bomb?

I tend to wonder because besides one ex that kinda forced me into using the word I've never told a dude that I love them...except my good friends after something real has taken place to make me realize hey I love them cause they're my family...but in a romantic sense? Never. For years I'd moan along w/India Arie about being ready for love and all that jazz...I'd play the game & pretend that I understood the true romantic love that everyone sings & writes & talks about incessantly...but I've come to realize I don't know what it is to honestly LOVE a man in a romantic manner. I've surely been in relationships before, but for whatever reason I've never been in a position to say that I've honestly LOVED the person...hell it takes me MONTHS to even admit that I like dudes...and that usually after we've been dating awhile....

Case in point I had this one dude tell me he loved me...I said thank you. I realized that was prolly an inappropriate response but to say I loved him back would have been a lie...so instead I questioned him...he had some reasoning and trust me it had nothing to do w/getting the drawls cause let's be honest we were far past that point...so I thought over His ideas of love vs what I think love is and decided upon "I like you like you".(Which eventually became LULU- cause what adult goes around openly saying "I like you like you"?!?) Yeah it sounds silly but it was the only way I could express to him that I had feelings for him and albeit they weren't flighty passing feelings...but it definitely wasn't LOVE....eventually that became a topic of discourse during our inevitable parting of ways....what can I say except I never lied to you....love evades me...I don't understand it...

I don't think I've ever responded appropriately to being told I love you...except the one ex from when I was 19 & I thought I was supposed to say I love you back...but that didn't work cause til this day that fool prolly think I loved him...I barely even liked him...but anyway....

That's not to say that I'm not passionate as hell about life...because I am....ask any of my friends...I love fiercely & wholly...but when it comes to romantic associations I tend to step back...

I understand that's just who I am...I am not wired to throw around my love uninhibited. I'm more cautious with mine cause I know if I love you I'll be up at 8 working your event even though I went to sleep at 4....I'll walk 6 blocks in snow from the club cause its your born day & the car got booted....I'll get up travel 2 hours to babysit your seeds so you can go to the dr....I'll entertain people I can't stand cause they're close to you...I'll support you (from the distance YOU imposed) marrying a dude that ain't good enough cause you love him...I'll go to hell & back for the people that I say I love...and I know when I open those floodgates of my love...its going to have to be reciprocated at the same level to the same degree. I don't believe in 50/50 relationships...its all or nothing if it ain't 100% I can't do it....so until that comes to me....
I guess the best I can give is a sweet & tender LULU in your ear....

Its been a blast....I feel a lot coming out my soul so I may blog a little more in the next few.....
minutes...hours...days...weeks...whatever the moon proposes for me I suppose....
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

See...I was gonna do this here buuutt...

I realized that even though my tumblog is open it ain't as many people checking for it and I feel like I still have a modicum of privacy there...
Sometimes and I know folks will judge me for saying this...but sometimes I miss the days of blogging over on myspace...then I'd have an idea of just how many people are actually viewing my words that are written even if I don't know who...here its like let's just through this in the universe & see where the chips fall...

IDK....most days that's cool too...but sometimes...sometimes I kinda wanna feel like I know just who's interested in the random ass idiosyncrasies of my existence...like give me a little bit of something...dah well...its amazing for someone as enigmatic & lackadaisical as I you'd think these things wouldn't matter to me right?!?
But perhaps that need to not care while yet yearning to control is the paradox of who I am today as well as who I have always been...who the hell knows for sure?!?
But I sure as hell sometimes feel like blogging here is like walking the streets in a clingy shirt & no bra....everybody just see me swinging in moving in all different directions & I have no control over it...

Dah well...and the greatest thing about this random rumble?!? I'm not pmsing or overly emotional(well no more than normal for an imbalanced ass libra always hanging in the balances waiting to see what the hell will happen next)...I'm just kinda having an honest tumble into this forum called the universe...

Well if you excuse me...there's some sheets that I'm about to get reeeeaaalll familiar with and a pillow I'm about to give some major head action and some raspberry acai tea that's about to get this mouth work happening....

Until next time....whoever you are out there lurking about reading my words...

Deuces Bitches!!!!
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

So yeah...this is another by product of getting to 30...

Yep....this is another by product of that super exciting Dirrrty Thirrrty....when you start getting those totally unexpected invitations in the mail...not that you'd been sitting there pining away for him...it's just that you kinda thought one day we'd get back to where we were and make it happen...or at least there'd be that conversation...until you get that text that ______got married the other day...and you think...well...wow....I guess that makes sense...or something like that...

It's funny cause my homegirls were having a session the other day and one revealed that when an ex gets married or has a kid and starts to post the pics on social networks she deletes them...I chuckled to myself and wondered why I go ahead & torture myself looking and lurking until I decide that this isn't fun...instead I would rather just not know...so yeah...sometimes they just don't get added...I prefer to never know what's happening than to think...hmmm wonder why he married her...*


But yeah...got one of those text the other week...so i'm kinda just....marinating...


*please don't confuse "why did he marry her?" with "why didn't he marry me" that's not the sentiment...its literally like "hmmm...that's interesting wonder why he did that...especially in this moment". I realize that I'm not quite ready for marriage even in the least...I'm just getting the hang of possible relationships...

2011....Diirrrty Thirrrrty soon come...

Hey y'all...this is the beginning of my 3rd decade...
that's right...30 years will soon be under my belt...I am 5 years off of middle aged and almost to the point where I should be ready for babies and carriages....
hahahaha as if...
anyone that knows me knows that 30 is the time that I want to really get a grip on this here world that we live in...see what the hype is about in Belize...take some time and roll a spliff in Amsterdam(we all know this is a lie-but it sounds good right?!?!) Maybe hit Hong Kong see what the shopping is really like...take a chance and see what New Delhi is like...check out that extreme hotel that's in the Mediterranean...maybe see the Taj Mahal...definitely need to see what its like to shop at Hermès --see the paintings in the Louvre...finally visit Madrid and get some boots that are custom made for my short flat foot....

In a word this is the decade for me to see the world...kiss the foreign boys...find love...loose it...find it again and just enjoy the life that is before me...

I dreaded turning 26, 27, 28, & 29 because I hadn't accomplished the things that I thought I would have by now...but then I think that I've still done some pretty awesome shit...

• I was interviewed on CNN for taking on a horrible television show that was going to set our race back a million and one years....
• I worked tirelessly with classmates to reveal the horrors of Vieques and the oil spills and run offs....
• I've met some pretty fugging awesome people including Jill Scott, Talib Kweli, Dwele, Eric Roberson, Slum Village, and so many others...
• I've set at the helm and saw how to put together a million dollar event on a shoe string budget...
• I've gotten to see my friends get married have babies grow mature
• I've met my brothers...and found an entirely new family in them
• I've had the opportunity to watch my sister have each of my babies...and seen them grow and become little people and one even turning into a preteen...
• I learned to let go let God and just truly be free....
• I had a kiss in the moonlight that made my leg pop in a 90 degree angle...
• Walked the lakefront in 20 degree weather because he wanted to talk....
• And now I'm letting him be the man and taking the role as the women and learning that even if this one ain't forever...for now it will be great....

Yeah...I suppose that it would have been easier if I graduated from VSU or MSU back in 2003...gotten that degree in English or Marketing...but then I would have never been in Chicago in 2003 to meet Mai...or at the open mic that I met Self that led me to meet Spoken then started working with Spoken at the Cypher in Borders then from there walking down the street seeing Self & Spoken in 2007 during the grand opening for Da Book Joint, as I was going to get some honey blonde for my summer hair that led me to working with the Cypher Sessions that eventually became the TakeOver that made me Verl & Toni go over to the Checkerboard trying to promote the TakeOver and then talking to M'reld in the bathroom that eventually led to me working with her that led me to working the door at Gentle Persuasion and over hearing Oj's conversation with Binkey that led me to finding out that Oj was my little brother...that then led him to giving my older brother's information that has led me to an entire other part of my life that I prolly would not have come across if I lived my life on the straight and narrow...you know...like I thought I should have all these years...

Yep...and that was just one of the series of events that have occurred in my life...I know that the domino effect of having altered my life is so far reaching and unbelievable that there are so many moments that I am unwilling to erase for the few moments or possibility of having achieved the so called American dream...instead I like the fact that my life has lead me to meeting my very own Autumn, May, June & July...my own sisters...my version of the Ya-Ya sisterhood if you will...on that straight path I know that I would not have the sisterfriends that have saved me from myself the past 7/8, that have stood beside me and fought for me when I couldn't, that called my mama mama and knew when I couldn't take anymore and offered me there home their futon their keys to sanity I know that they came from me returning to Chicago and searching out my own path...

I look back on the past 26 years-cause those are the ones that I do remember clearly...I know where and when I got off the path of straight and narrow...and while I've spent some time in the forest and darkness searching hurting crying wishing wanting thinking that maybe somehow I could turn back...but I know that I could never be that girl that graduated from MPHS June 1999 prepared to step in the world of corporate organizations...she has been gone from me for several years...and now I know this woman that loves and laughs freely...sits quietly reflecting thinking learning growing loving waiting patiently on the journey...knowing full well that I could never make it on a path that has been drawn out...preferring to take the time and explore the people and world instead....

I cannot wait to see what the next 3 decades will bring...but whatever they are through the tears joys triumphs and pains...I will grow evolve love and be ever so free....