So. The other day as I perused my twitter timeline I came across a link to one of the few blogs I'm still subscribed to receive emails from regularly. The current blog referenced a previous blog that I figured I must read immediately. That blog
http://tinyurl.com/sugatellsmytruth Lawd.... That blog definitely had my eyes moist & my throat constricted. I was taken aback by the fact someone else was telling my truth. It was super hard for me to open myself to the possibility of a relationship simply because the last time I tried my heart wasn't broke so much as disregarded. So when I did it this time around I figured oh... Well he pursued me so this won't end that way... I was clearly focused on enjoying the end of my twenties & having as much fun as possible, until he who shall remain nameless aka hwsrn entered the picture.
I won't spend a lot of time on hwsrn but I will say that I enjoyed the little time we spent together. I have realized that instead of me focusing on him I'd focus on what he opened within me & the fact I realized that if I wanted to, I could definitely be in a relationship where I allow the man to take the lead. Even though my feelings were hurt by hwsrn, I understand the purpose that he served in my growth. I didn't like it. Nor did I enjoy the time I spent growing & learning the past eleven months I understand that those months were spent alone so that I can grow. And step outside my norm. I've learned or accepted rather, that even though hwsrn didn't "appear" to be the same as the formers before him, he did fit a pattern. He was similar to everyone before him in that he was the emotionally unavailable moody artist, that I date. Continuously. He was a better version of the dude I dated, though different from the ones before him, yet still a variation.
Hwsrn was exactly who I wanted & needed him to be. I cannot blame him for anything more than who he was, he was everything he could be, it wasn't his fault that he lived up to my expectations. Wasn't his fault that he reflected everything I ever put into the universe. An improvement from the ones before him, yes, but still not quite the needed....
I've decided that instead of constantly dating the same moody unavailable person that causes me that level of discomfort or pain, I've decided to stop outside myself & become open to the possibility of maybe with an "unfamiliar" face. I've decided to step outside my norm & become willing to date someone somewhat different. As much as I want to clam up & not ever experience hurt pain or discomfort again, I know that's not what's supposed to happened. I know that in my future I am supposed to find a "He Who Will Be Named Overtly" and loved plainly.....
Until then... I will enjoy my flirty thirty. And dance fully in the rain snow & sunshine....
From God's Lips to Mine....
