if you are my twitter or FB friend you'll have already heard that my family suffered a loss on yesterday(Sunday)morning. The mother of my awesome brother in law, Alida, passed in her sleep between Saturday night and Sunday morning...Even though she was my sister's mother in law, she was still an awesome part of our family, and the sense of loss that I feel regarding her death is still somewhat overwhelming...I mean we all were pretty close, we spent holiday, birthdays and just random days together. I don't know how the family gatherings will go without her being there with her quick wit and humor. She was good for those one liners that'll have you turning around like "What the Hell?!!?" She was a genuinely kind person...she was always there to assist my sister and Eric if there was something that needed to be done, she spoiled my niece and nephews to no end...and she would not hesitate to call us if there was something going on...and my mother would call her...We were a family for the past 13 years and I'm soo sad that she's gone...I don't often dream, but last night I dreamt for the first time in several weeks, and they all involved her. I am hoping that it's just her spirit transitioning and that she is now at peace. And no she wasn't ill, not in a way that would take her life, she had things going on, but nothing that would cause any of us to think too hard about it. I was just talking to my sister about her, and her cooking on Friday, while I was on my break. We were both saying that she needed to rest a bit more, cause she was feeling a little sick, and that this was the first Thanksgiving in like a million years that they weren't in Florida enjoying nice sun, as we all suffered with the cold. She would usually cook for them this weekend, and I know that my babies were looking forward to that. Now....
Now...I'm just praying for peace for not only me and my mama, but for my brother-he's not an in law in any way...I have to admit that...for Gina, for Kenny, for Kari, and for last but heaven knows not least, Big Ken, who found his wife of 30+ years on Sunday morning...
I ask that you all send out a prayer for our family too...Death is hard..and it's even worse when there's been no preparation for it...
So we ask of you this....
It seems that I have been more able to write thoughts than speak them. I know that I am a writer, something that I've never admitted and when working and living and breathing around the awesome writers that are in my life...it's sometimes difficult to use the words that I am given. Sometimes I supress my words for fear that they won't stand up against theirs, then there are times like this when there are no spoken words that could accurately express what I am feeling...I haven't formulated the sentences...only a few fragments...when written they make far more sense then anything that I could speak...it is then that I remember why I slept for years with a pen and a notepad, not always to write someone off...but sometimes to just write out what I'm thinking...what I'm feeling...what I am either incapable or refusing to say...
Then I write...I write until my fingers feel as though they are gonna bleed forever, until my head feels like an empty cavity...I write for survival...when you feel everything and around you the way that I do...you have to do something that quiets your spirit and brings about some kinda of peace...I haven't any other outlet...my friends love me...but they don't know how to receive my emotional state...my family adores me...but understanding is something they're incapable of right now...if I had a boyfriend, I'd push him away before it become to much simply because how can someone understand the level of hyper sensitivity that I am experiencing these days? So I write...and I write...and sometimes I blog to express...and to release...and to grow...and to maintain sanity...
11.23.2009
accepting new boo submissions:
I wrote an entire blog. Pressed post. Then diva got to acting sideways about herself so now--repost I must. In an attempt to open submissions for the winter time boo.
There are very people that openly admit they are simply seeking a winter boo-not a relationship. But I am. I am seeking a boothang to keep me warm & entertained during the cold months. Its very important that all submitters understand that I am not seeking a boyfriend or significant other for this time. I don't think I am in the correct place to look for that right now- I'm working going to school and come January I'll be going to two different schools while still attempting employment. So I need someone to be available during the weeks I'm out of class or the afternoons I'm off work. You know? I want the boothang to understand we will not even entertain conversations for more until the proper amount of time has passed; and that shalll be determined when that time has come-not when you or I have decided alone, but when we have come together & decided that time has arrived. And boothang of the future know now if you are the type to give ultimatums or threats or leaving, it will prolly result in conversation and my removing my belongings from your abode. But we'll deal with that more if or when the time comes.
So let's get to it, things my boothang must possess:
-He's gotta be male naturally born as such. I like peen- so I need that be a nature made situation.
-gotta have hair. I love to play in hair, if you don't have hair, you must keep fresh haircuts that I may play with the back of your neck.
-i need you to be intelligent a quick wit, play with words engage my mind and you're more than halfway to the point honestly.
-gainfully employed or receiving unemployment already. Not so that you can shower me in gifts, but so that you can be who you need to as a man. I don't need you resenting me everytime I get paid.
-a secure network of friends enemies or whatever- you need to be able to keep busy when I am busy which is very often now and even moreso at the beginning of the year.
-enlightened enough to know you won't "convert" me to your religion, eating habits or anything else. I love Jesus and I don't eat it if it walked the ground. Got it?
I know this may seem like a lot for a winter boo thang but I have to get the preliminaries out of the way. I can't be bothered with going back over topics that were discussed previously. And I want to be sure that we're on the same page. Kay?
There are of course other things like being attractive, I prefer brown, but I'm opening myself to other possibilities. You gotta be able to handle my cynical dry humor, understand my time restraints and such.
I'm definitely interested in seeing what will happen as a result of my boothang opening-especially since I'm finding people read and conclude about my blogs without always commenting. Or better yet get mad at me and throw them back in my face-oh well. Anyway. Boothangs let's explore and have a great wintertime friendship. Never know you may even be around long enough to celebrate my 25th birthday with me in October...
Smooches
There are very people that openly admit they are simply seeking a winter boo-not a relationship. But I am. I am seeking a boothang to keep me warm & entertained during the cold months. Its very important that all submitters understand that I am not seeking a boyfriend or significant other for this time. I don't think I am in the correct place to look for that right now- I'm working going to school and come January I'll be going to two different schools while still attempting employment. So I need someone to be available during the weeks I'm out of class or the afternoons I'm off work. You know? I want the boothang to understand we will not even entertain conversations for more until the proper amount of time has passed; and that shalll be determined when that time has come-not when you or I have decided alone, but when we have come together & decided that time has arrived. And boothang of the future know now if you are the type to give ultimatums or threats or leaving, it will prolly result in conversation and my removing my belongings from your abode. But we'll deal with that more if or when the time comes.
So let's get to it, things my boothang must possess:
-He's gotta be male naturally born as such. I like peen- so I need that be a nature made situation.
-gotta have hair. I love to play in hair, if you don't have hair, you must keep fresh haircuts that I may play with the back of your neck.
-i need you to be intelligent a quick wit, play with words engage my mind and you're more than halfway to the point honestly.
-gainfully employed or receiving unemployment already. Not so that you can shower me in gifts, but so that you can be who you need to as a man. I don't need you resenting me everytime I get paid.
-a secure network of friends enemies or whatever- you need to be able to keep busy when I am busy which is very often now and even moreso at the beginning of the year.
-enlightened enough to know you won't "convert" me to your religion, eating habits or anything else. I love Jesus and I don't eat it if it walked the ground. Got it?
I know this may seem like a lot for a winter boo thang but I have to get the preliminaries out of the way. I can't be bothered with going back over topics that were discussed previously. And I want to be sure that we're on the same page. Kay?
There are of course other things like being attractive, I prefer brown, but I'm opening myself to other possibilities. You gotta be able to handle my cynical dry humor, understand my time restraints and such.
I'm definitely interested in seeing what will happen as a result of my boothang opening-especially since I'm finding people read and conclude about my blogs without always commenting. Or better yet get mad at me and throw them back in my face-oh well. Anyway. Boothangs let's explore and have a great wintertime friendship. Never know you may even be around long enough to celebrate my 25th birthday with me in October...
Smooches
11.17.2009
....
It amazes me...that in my 28 years and my only 8 years of being in serious relationships I've managed to continuously align myself with people I am not capabe of loving the way that they need to be loved. I am a commitphobe is prolly something I should point out first. I cannot committ. I'm scared. I've lost myself once and the idea terrifies me of doing it again. My best friend is currently lost in a relationship that she doesn't even know how she got in....I've seen women do many things in a relationship that they swore they'd never do- I've done things in that one relationship I swore I'd never do-and haven't since then either. When you totally immerse yourself into a relationship you are saying I am willing to be hurt humiliated and a load of other things logical people don't intentionally do to themselves. Have I missed opportunities for this? Yes. I know I have. But I don't know how to stop it. I think that God is trying to teach me a lesson though, honestly cause I promise you all I keep matching up with are dudes that require you to completely align yourself with them wholly and completely. I don't have that ability. Not right now. Maybe never. Maybe I should start adjusting to cats, so that I'll be ready to get me a litter cause obviously I'm gonna be alone for awhile. Maybe forever. I don't know. Maybe I'll find a guy that's as indifferent as I am and can accept that I don't know how to love kinda, but not completely. I'm the chick that doesn't know how to move beyong treading lightly, but not completely plunging. I stay on the fringes, not because I do not know how to be inside, but I don't wish to be completely involved. Don't wish to be noticed. Don't want that responsibility.
The fringes are where I'm comfortable-where I want to be.
But I'm slowly learning about moving from the sidelines. I'm learning that perhaps that's not what love is.
That the passion I had, that when he would walk in the room when he would say my name when he would hug me- I know that even though I refused & he refused to use the words that traditionally expressed love- I knew that he loved me. I knew that he adored me. And that he loves me still and I love him. I know that words are never indicative of what true feelings are-that often words have nothing to do with the pure fury of love. I am learning that I can't expect everyone to be like him, to love like he did, that I can't keep pushing people away because they don't understand the way that he did that I don't always use words, but maybe cooking you a meal, cause I know you haven't eaten all day, or listening to you talk about a game I'll never ever play, maybe that's how I love without being hurt. Without expectation, cause expectation fall short of reality-cause the fantasy is always always better than the fantasy. And I don't want that to happen not again....
I have no idea.
But after you've had a great love, a passion that you can't control, where you can't calculate the next move cause you have no idea where it'll take you--when you forget that you've ever been in a relationship before cause this relationhsip blows your mind beyond belief...
Maybe you'll learn that sometimes complete submission is a hard thing.
People often say that you're supposed to- I don't know. Sometimes I think maybe you don't. Sometimes I think you meet too soon, before you all are ready to honestly be together and that's why it doesn't work out. Meeting him when he is still fresh new & not jaded and you've lived a life done things that you may never tell anyone-when he's still ready to plunge, but you know that swift paces lead to pain & hurt--but you know that if you met then 6 years later that you wouldve not just been with him. But prolly gave him your heart....yeah it was way too soon.
Its amazing that an open blog gives you the feeling that you can share more than you'd probably share with your closest friends.
But here, I can't see or hear you judging me. And here I really don't even give a damn. This allows me to be the purest me that I am capable of being...and I really like that.
The fringes are where I'm comfortable-where I want to be.
But I'm slowly learning about moving from the sidelines. I'm learning that perhaps that's not what love is.
That the passion I had, that when he would walk in the room when he would say my name when he would hug me- I know that even though I refused & he refused to use the words that traditionally expressed love- I knew that he loved me. I knew that he adored me. And that he loves me still and I love him. I know that words are never indicative of what true feelings are-that often words have nothing to do with the pure fury of love. I am learning that I can't expect everyone to be like him, to love like he did, that I can't keep pushing people away because they don't understand the way that he did that I don't always use words, but maybe cooking you a meal, cause I know you haven't eaten all day, or listening to you talk about a game I'll never ever play, maybe that's how I love without being hurt. Without expectation, cause expectation fall short of reality-cause the fantasy is always always better than the fantasy. And I don't want that to happen not again....
I have no idea.
But after you've had a great love, a passion that you can't control, where you can't calculate the next move cause you have no idea where it'll take you--when you forget that you've ever been in a relationship before cause this relationhsip blows your mind beyond belief...
Maybe you'll learn that sometimes complete submission is a hard thing.
People often say that you're supposed to- I don't know. Sometimes I think maybe you don't. Sometimes I think you meet too soon, before you all are ready to honestly be together and that's why it doesn't work out. Meeting him when he is still fresh new & not jaded and you've lived a life done things that you may never tell anyone-when he's still ready to plunge, but you know that swift paces lead to pain & hurt--but you know that if you met then 6 years later that you wouldve not just been with him. But prolly gave him your heart....yeah it was way too soon.
Its amazing that an open blog gives you the feeling that you can share more than you'd probably share with your closest friends.
But here, I can't see or hear you judging me. And here I really don't even give a damn. This allows me to be the purest me that I am capable of being...and I really like that.
11.16.2009
One of those days.....
one of those days....
like one of those day when everything has gone sooo wrong that you start to remember things in different ways...
like i start to remember the days that i leave work, go to his house sit and moan about the day that i've had.
lay down in his arms, sleep the anger and irritation away
i remember that he loved me and we cared for me so much
remember the days of him waking me up with breakfast
never forgetting the day that he went to store and got me four different breakfast cereals, and made me three different breakfasts just cause you weren't sure of what i wanted to eat...
keeping in mind the many times that you made me shrimp and broccoli to ensure that i ate a decent meal for once...
yeah I remember that instead of the slamming doors, screaming matches, and crying myself to sleep
So tired that I forget that I couldn't talk to you for a year without breaking into tears,
so frustrated that i forget that we spent majority of our time making up instead of being together...
right now my heart is yearning for you...
the you that didn't hurt me
the you that didn't make me cry
i am wishing and crying my heart out for us...
instead i'm sitting here allowing these tears to fall because three years and three dudes later i've still not replaced you...
and i still can't talk to you
lest i be back at the beginning
of loving only
you.....
like one of those day when everything has gone sooo wrong that you start to remember things in different ways...
like i start to remember the days that i leave work, go to his house sit and moan about the day that i've had.
lay down in his arms, sleep the anger and irritation away
i remember that he loved me and we cared for me so much
remember the days of him waking me up with breakfast
never forgetting the day that he went to store and got me four different breakfast cereals, and made me three different breakfasts just cause you weren't sure of what i wanted to eat...
keeping in mind the many times that you made me shrimp and broccoli to ensure that i ate a decent meal for once...
yeah I remember that instead of the slamming doors, screaming matches, and crying myself to sleep
So tired that I forget that I couldn't talk to you for a year without breaking into tears,
so frustrated that i forget that we spent majority of our time making up instead of being together...
right now my heart is yearning for you...
the you that didn't hurt me
the you that didn't make me cry
i am wishing and crying my heart out for us...
instead i'm sitting here allowing these tears to fall because three years and three dudes later i've still not replaced you...
and i still can't talk to you
lest i be back at the beginning
of loving only
you.....
11.15.2009
oh yeah
I deactivated my facebook page...soooo email me @ 1uppity.negress@gmail.com or call me...when you email me I will give you my number...I wanna keep up with yall...I'm just doing me a while...getting off the comp in the process...
baby i'm back!!!
I don't blog as regularly as I once did because of the amount of time that I spend on twitter...then in addition to that I was pursuing a relationship type thing....
Believe me ladies
don't allow yourself to be moved into something that you are not really interested in-in the end you will either hurt or be hurt, and really we that's not the point of relationships is it?
This weekend I took a stand and made a hard choice:
He wanted more than I am capable of giving right now, I'm grinding I'm trying to make sure that I get my stuff together, so a real relationship is just too much for me right now...honestly...I knew that...but he wanted that...and so I said I'd try...when actually I knew that I couldn't I knew that wasn't where my head was, felt kinda silly though since most women are looking for a guy to come in and be in a relationship with them, why am I running away? Cause I knew that relationship wasn't the relationship for me....even if he ain't awful, he ain't mine...you know? hope you do...cause you may be settling for a relationship that sucks too!
But not only was I not ready for a relationship, he wasn't ready for a relationship with me...I mean if you read my previous blogs you know that I'm a very complex individual...I don't hide my complexities either....I dont think that its fair for me to lie about who I am...I need to tell you that upfront exactly the person that I am and that I require so much more than the other chicks you may encounter so that you have a choice to be with me or not...ya know? And he thought that he could handle me...but I don't think he could, he didn't really know how to, and because I wasn't interested in being in a relationship, I wasn't trying to force it on him either...but if I don't want it and you aren't emotionally there for me? what can I do? Can't make him become what I need, especially when I know that I don't even want that right now...
Sooo where am I headed now? I'm waiting to get an interview date from the New York, wanting that to come through without a doubt...but if it doesn't happen, I'm starting back into a program in January...so serious about it that I'm even transferring credits...that's not a normal thing for me, I usually just say fuck it let's go....I am really submerging myself into whatever it is that I will be doing come January, if it's moving then that, if its school I'm doing that...I'm back on my health plan...90 more pounds by my birthday next year...It's just under a year, so I know that I can do it...I've stopped cutting my hair, like a complete regrowth I guess....
I hope that I don't miss too many important moments in anyone's life while I'm making this change, but know that you can always find me @ http://twitter.com/1uppitynegress
but I will be blogging more again, maybe even some fashion exploits...trying to get it altogether keeping it funky in the process...
I love y'all for still reading my words...hopefully you can see some growth in my struggles, cause I think that I am seeing them...
taking steps to not be angry...not be evil...and all that...I'm growing yall...
and for once...
it don't hurt as much...
maybe this skin shedding has ended and now I'm just adjusting to being...
maybe?
Believe me ladies
don't allow yourself to be moved into something that you are not really interested in-in the end you will either hurt or be hurt, and really we that's not the point of relationships is it?
This weekend I took a stand and made a hard choice:
He wanted more than I am capable of giving right now, I'm grinding I'm trying to make sure that I get my stuff together, so a real relationship is just too much for me right now...honestly...I knew that...but he wanted that...and so I said I'd try...when actually I knew that I couldn't I knew that wasn't where my head was, felt kinda silly though since most women are looking for a guy to come in and be in a relationship with them, why am I running away? Cause I knew that relationship wasn't the relationship for me....even if he ain't awful, he ain't mine...you know? hope you do...cause you may be settling for a relationship that sucks too!
But not only was I not ready for a relationship, he wasn't ready for a relationship with me...I mean if you read my previous blogs you know that I'm a very complex individual...I don't hide my complexities either....I dont think that its fair for me to lie about who I am...I need to tell you that upfront exactly the person that I am and that I require so much more than the other chicks you may encounter so that you have a choice to be with me or not...ya know? And he thought that he could handle me...but I don't think he could, he didn't really know how to, and because I wasn't interested in being in a relationship, I wasn't trying to force it on him either...but if I don't want it and you aren't emotionally there for me? what can I do? Can't make him become what I need, especially when I know that I don't even want that right now...
Sooo where am I headed now? I'm waiting to get an interview date from the New York, wanting that to come through without a doubt...but if it doesn't happen, I'm starting back into a program in January...so serious about it that I'm even transferring credits...that's not a normal thing for me, I usually just say fuck it let's go....I am really submerging myself into whatever it is that I will be doing come January, if it's moving then that, if its school I'm doing that...I'm back on my health plan...90 more pounds by my birthday next year...It's just under a year, so I know that I can do it...I've stopped cutting my hair, like a complete regrowth I guess....
I hope that I don't miss too many important moments in anyone's life while I'm making this change, but know that you can always find me @ http://twitter.com/1uppitynegress
but I will be blogging more again, maybe even some fashion exploits...trying to get it altogether keeping it funky in the process...
I love y'all for still reading my words...hopefully you can see some growth in my struggles, cause I think that I am seeing them...
taking steps to not be angry...not be evil...and all that...I'm growing yall...
and for once...
it don't hurt as much...
maybe this skin shedding has ended and now I'm just adjusting to being...
maybe?
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