12.25.2010

my brain is moving way too much for me....

some days i sit and think perhaps this love thing is too much actually i know its too much so i've decided to settle only on liking...but something in my soul is resistant...it doesn't want the possibility of pain so it shuts down and stops me from feeling so because now i have this overwhelming urge to kick things into overdrive throw caution to the wind and just dig you fully but i don't know where you stand and i don't have the ability to just stand in and wait so i'm standing in the middle of road thinking that maybe once i'll do something different only i'm not even sure that i can...until i figure it out i'll stand look and hope that when i open my arms you are falling head first into them...

12.24.2010

I found God in myself...and loved her...



So…yesterday I decided I was over having hair…I wanted…no probably needed to shed some skin…well…I did…and it was all over the floor of the barbershop much to the consternation of the lesser tressed sisters in the area…

Its funny though…I saw for the first time just how long and graceful my neck is…I never really paid attention to how long my lashes are ever…and this is w/out the aid of my Smashbox…

I wonder what else I will learn about me in the days to come....

Stay tuned...


12.14.2010

my 5th grd creative writing teacher would be so proud...i learned to Free Right.....

standing in the center of a paradox....complete dominance border lined only by complete dependence somewhere between reality and pure dreams abstract in my thinking...alone in the center of a crowdsomething has been let loose in my soul and its welling inside of me trying to get out while still being held down i dont know what i am feeling cant believe what i am thinking and when i try to speak the words wont fall out only hearing and seeing never actually being something has sprung a leak and im not even certain i want to build a dam to close it up maybe this complete raw emotion is supposed to be just where it is doing doing what it is doing making and compelling me to a little bit more a little better maybe its the feeling coupled with the thinking that causing my overwhelming need to be thats causing this bitter breakup with apathy forcing a feeling that i have little control over made the bridge has been built and i didnt even realize it maybe time has stood still and moved around maybe i am not so full as ready to be filled i am a contradiction of sorts and ive always known that maybe now i can stand in the middle of the crowd alone but not lonely cause ive finally gotten a better idea of me



somehow these are the soundtracks for my today....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaNzxniXxYE

11.22.2010

Who Gonna Check Me Boo?!?!?!

Apparently lots of these sistas hanging about Chicago...and their minions too....


While talking to my god sister and we were reviewing a series of events that have taken place over the past few weeks were so many women have decided that they needed to "pull my card" so to speak.

I asked her because she is honest with me...and she's familiar with me and most of the people that I interact with, and she brought something to my attention...I am not supposed to be the person that I am and part of it is because of my body shape and size....

Is this true? I know I end up writing about my weight and size on a regular but I think that as a plus size woman of color in this day and age it unfortunately colors much of my experiences. It is a huge part of everything that I do and say...and I'm not always okay with that but it seems to be a constant and consistent area in my life.

My god sister told me that not only do I have the nerve and audacity to look extremely young, but I definitely am not supposed to be a juicy girl strutting around the world taking no prisoners. But I have to-what other choice do I have? I am working towards world domination and I have no time to sit around and worry about what others are doing...I am trying to get it done and get it all done well...I have too much to do to sit around worried about what others are doing saying or not doing and saying....I mean while others are sitting around evaluating my business acumen and what I am doing in regards to the people I work alongside I'm busy making moves and plans to enhance our lifestyles and move us along to the next part of the plan.

There are a few people that can talk to me and "check" me when its necessary, but those people are close enough to me to have met my mama...have you met my mama? If not....you prolly aren't in a position to tell me about myself....

P.S. my lovely brothers and sisters...here's a few things to note about latrice:
*I am GROWN....next year I will be celebrating my 3rd decade of life....catch that...3rd...not 2nd...
*I am college educated....I attended university with focuses in English(I CAN WRITE BITCHES!!) African American History(So yeah I can wax political about the status of our people) and Latino Studies(Just cause I am diverse)
*I have been exposed to far more culture and history than most of you...and as brilliant as I am I happen to know what Fleur de Lis meant without hitting up babel fish....
*Stepping to Shirley's & Joe's baby girl can be a fatal mistake....I tend to be very venomous when I feel like I am being backed into a corner.....

Anyway....I'm gonna stop this stream of consciousness now before someone mistakes me for being angry when I'm not...but allow this to be a PSA....



YOU ain't gonna check me boo.....

11.04.2010

the day I realized I was beautiful...and other realizations....

The other day as I was folding sweaters at Macy's contemplating jumping over the ledge into the cosmetic department to reduce the amount of boredom overwhelming my life I realized someone was looking at me...wait...not looking but peering...into my soul clearly...I turned and smiled at the customer and only received a heavy eye roll and a huge "bitch please sigh".... I shrugged my shoulders and kept it moving...only to have this scenario repeated at least four more times that day...and then the following day after running down the street to catch the bus cause of course bustracker didn't bother to tell me that the 14 would go from 9 minutes away to "due" in about 17 seconds...I jump onto the bus breathing heavy like a 500 lb boar....I turn and catch eye contact with a sister...I tried to smile through the heavy breathing and only received heavy eye rolls....from two other chicks...
this is the look i get most days from strangers....

As I sat down on the bus I begin to realize these particular heifer's are tall and skinty...prolly have a better chance at becoming a high fashion model then graduating from Harvard..I'm talking pretty gals have been giving me the evil eye...
Now...I know that I'm pretty...you know? but ummmm I'm about 5'1....and ___lbs....and not anything near a fashion model....here's a picture just to prove my point:


yeah...I'm the juicy one on the right....as if I was mahrried...lol! Anyway...I forgot to mention...I've been nappy headed since the 90's...always been a weirdo is what my close family and friends say....but yet I am ALWAYS met with disdain from other women! It was at that moment as I tried to catch my breath I realized..."bitch you is pretty!!" Like that for real unintentional pretty...the kind of pretty that must catch folks off guard or at least make them insecure about their own beauty...and I thought...hmm...that's pretty cool...I mean...how often does one realize that they are pretty enough to make others meet them with immediate anger and irritation?!?!?!?
I often walk into the room and conversations fade...I don't think its cause I'm so fly either...at least I never did before...but ummm...maybe I am?!?! Who knows...

Upon realizing that I am a pretty damn fly chica, I also realized that no matter how much I starve myself...no matter how much hummus and pita I eat...which is my FAVE!!!! I will never ever ever ever ever be a skinty biche! Its not in my future....

Here's why:
I am highly intelligent
My skin is pretty effing flawless
me no make up and prolly no sleep either...

and we already realized that I'm pretty from earlier....
there's a super hooker deep inside my soul that given the opportunity would prolly cause all kinds of problem...
so yeah...with all these factors...among others...I realized I'll prolly never be super skinty...

I mean...imagine me skinty? Yeah I'd be out here all kinds of nekkid...even in the winter time I'd be walking around with pneumonia in the cooter like no joke...hmmm....

dah well....this is my realizations that I've had the past few weeks...cause you know I'm highly evolved and shit....lol....


what have you been realizing?

10.05.2010

Its October!!!!!







Anywhere you look there are boobs EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Myspace, facebook, twitter, telephones...everywhere....there are boobs....

And I am glad that they are making an appearance we need them to continue to make these appearances as well.

This year marks my mama's second October as a Breast Cancer Survivor and we are taking each step celebrating the victory of her survival. Every three months she goes through a series of tests and exams to ensure that the cancer has not made a reappearance...the last series of appointments we even saw an improvement in her T-Cell count(those are the white blood cells that the body uses to fight to invaders....the basis of antibodies...) that's a great improvement considering that she had the maximum amount of radiation possible for her lifetime therefore she needs as many T-cells as possible to continue to fight the possible cancer toxins as well as any other toxins that may occur.

Now that the Praise Report is out the way....time for the admonishments....

BLACK WOMEN

GET YOUR TITTIES, Breasts, fun bags, mammaries, milk jugs, tatas, and whatever else you call them checked!!!!
We are DYING at disproportionate rates! Though white women have more INCIDENCES of breast cancer, especially over the age of 45, WE are the ones dying almost TWO TO ONE!!!!
Why are we dying?
  • Because mammograms hurt...well guess what? So does dying!
  • Because we don't want to know if we do have it....great and you don't mind leaving your family behind either huh?
  • Because you don't have a family history....well guess what?
About 70-80% of breast cancers occur in women who have no family history of breast cancer. These occur due to genetic abnormalities that happen as a result of the aging process and life in general, rather than inherited mutations. source: http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/understand_bc/statistics.jsp
so yeah...you may not have a family history but you can STILL get breast cancer!!!!

Quick story....15 years ago my mama began her crusade to encourage women to have their breasts examined so she began giving away pamphlets and paraphenalia to the women at her job...there were two women they called "the golden girls" they were older white women that decided that they would get their first mammograms because of my mama's encouragement...when they got checked out they found out that they had stage 2 and 3 breast cancer...one was out of work for a year the other for two years...but 15 years later they are both still alive and kicking...why? Cause they got mammograms!!!!
You never know whats going on inside your breasts!!!! If you feel something get it checked out!!! Do not ignore the lumps bumps and bruises!!! They are small tell tale signs that something else may be going on inside!!!
A few quick things to look out for:
Breast cancer typically produces no symptoms when
the tumor is small and most treatable. It is therefore
very important for women to follow recommended
screening guidelines for detecting breast cancer at an
early stage, before symptoms develop. When breast
cancer has grown to a size that can be felt, the most
common physical sign is a painless mass. Sometimes
breast cancer can spread to underarm lymph nodes and
cause a lump or swelling, even before the original breast
tumor is large enough to be felt. Less common signs and
symptoms include breast pain or heaviness; persistent
changes to the breast, such as swelling, thickening, or
redness of the breast’s skin; and nipple abnormalities
such as spontaneous discharge, erosion, inversion, or
tenderness.
http://www.cancer.org/acs/groups/content/@nho/documents/document/f861009final90809pdf.pdf pg 15


Please women...get checked out!!! It is time that WE as Black Women STOP dying from breast cancer!!!!!!
A few resources to get those breasts checked in the event that you don't have health insurance:

http://www.liv.com/free_mammograms.php
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/10/13/earlyshow/series/main577822.shtml
http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/nbccedp/
Atlanta:
http://www.gacancer.com/news/news-detailed.php?NewsID=268
Illinois:
http://cancerscreening.illinois.gov/
http://www.networkofstrength.org/illinois/programs/resources/mammogram.php
New York:
http://www.nyc.gov/html/doh/html/cancer/cancerbreast.shtml
http://www.nysenate.gov/photos/2009/may/08/free-mammograms

For more info:
http://www.cancer.org/Cancer/BreastCancer/index

http://ww5.komen.org/


It is time that we live and grow and thrive!!!!!

Yours in breast squeezing awareness....
Uppity!






9.13.2010

September 13, 1996....


I always greet the death of Tupac Shakur with a complete bittersweet sadness....
It was a great time in music...I was a sophomore in high school...Morgan Park was my haven...It was great...
Friday night...I just got home from doing God knows what when I got the call...Tupac died...I remember running outside crying in my front yard...at this point I had a lifesize poster of Tupac on my wall...several all over the wall and one covering the door...someone that knew someone else knew of my love for Tupac and made sure they got me a couple "pics" for my wall...I was convinced that Pac was going to usher us back into the civil rights movement and I would be one of the freedom fighters...

My cousin Richarde(pronounced Rashad) was a brilliant thug in training...he only joined his gang cause he was tired of fighting them every time he went to school...I forget what happened exactly...he was the one that introduced me to Tupac...he would sit me down and say Lat-rice...this is the music that you need to listen to...this is something that will change your life...the summer he spent on house arrest at my house was one the greatest ever...he would sit in the basement spinning mama's wax...putting me own to even more hip hop then I thought I could ever imagine...he made sure that I knew about more than the BDP's and Native Tongues that I was into...he wanted me to know about harder hip hop as well...it was supremely awesome...he was a brilliant young man, in the right circumstances probably would have resulted in him taking over the world...but this was the life that he was handed....

Richarde always said that his life paralleled Tupac....and I would always say...Richard E...you and Tupac are not parallel in anyway...you wish you were Tupac...

September 7, 1996 Tupac was shot in Vegas....he died September 13, 1996...

September 26, 1997 my cousin Richarde was shot with an exploding halogen bullet...he died October 11, 1997.

Neither of them were supposed to die from the wounds they suffered...they were supposed to survive and continue working to change the world...

I remember September 13, cause I remember my cousin saying that something was going to happen to him...that his live was truly aligned with Tupac...this was before I really recognize my gift of discernment so I remember only being concerned and feeling eerie every time my cousin called with something new happening in his life... September 13, 1996 was a precursor to September 26, 1997...and they were both life changing days for me....

8.30.2010

You are sooo.....

Beautiful...pretty...gorgeous....etc...etc...etc...
These are words that people use to describe me. Daily.
It isn't unusual for a stranger to walk up to me and tell me how pretty or beautiful I am. I hear about the unusual shape of my eyes my high cheekbones the structure of my face everything. I hear it. I'm often complimented on my sense of style. Being told "everyone can't wear that" or "you have a style that's able to make that fly"

This is normal for me. I am not going to fake & pretend that its not normal for me. I am not saying that I'm immune to this, but I do know that I am clearly an attractive person. But. That's as far as it goes for me.

However Saturday night. I was told all about myself. By two strangers. People I have never met or seen before.

After getting my party started at my grammar school reuninon, my cousin & I headed to Beauty Bar up on the northside. We were nice & gone. The pre-drinking was very effective to the point where I knew I couldn't put my heels on and walk across the street, let alone walk in the club & dance.
We walked across the street & came smack dab in front of two of the CUTEST little geigh bois I've ever seen! Lawd they were so cute! And fly lawd they were fly.
They stopped me to tell me how much they loved my jumper. While talking to them I dropped my purse. And because it was my purse I immediately stooped down and grabbed my bag up. Lawd why did I do that?!?

They.
Went.
In.
"You are beautiful!" "We are men and we are supposed to get that!" "Don't you ever do that again." Etc. Etc. Etc.

From there they went on a diatribe about how beautiful I am how I deserve to know how beautiful I am that I shouldn't underestimate my beauty and everything else.
I was amazed and taken aback because a simple act of me dropping & picking up my purse has led them to me and telling me this about myself.

I wished that they were wrong. I went inside the club danced moved and enjoyed the time, but in the back of my mind I continued to hear those two bois telling me all about myself. Reading me.

And I wondered.


Do I disown my beauty?

Do I not understand my beauty?

Have I become immune to the idea that I may actually be beautiful?

I often wonder if I was smaller if there was less of me would I be more receptive to the idea of my beauty?
Like I said before I am told daily that I am beautiful yet it never changes how I respond. I am still amazed. And surprised when people tell me how beautiful I am.

Maybe one day I'll learn to embrace my beauty and walk in this beauty.

Or maybe because of my mental make up I'll never become immune to the shock of knowing or hearing that many people think that I am beautiful....

8.24.2010

Dear 50Tyson's Mama....

If you don't know who 50Tyson is, please by all means google the name, because I simply refuse to hyperlink anything of his to my blog. Gotta keep it a little pure..except his twitter page is http:twitter.com/thereal50tyson cause he clearly got so many imposters....yet again....what in the hell?!?.

Anyway...I am addressing the following note to his mama for all that he has shared w/the world....


Dear 50Tyson's Mama or Grandma that prolly didn't want to raise yet another one of your daughter's chirren, but you are a God-fearing woman steadfast in the glory....

Why would you allow your obviously retarded son to spend time alone in the bathroom w/a camera? Have you not noticed that he spends way too much time in the bathroom alone?
I mean unless he's in there knocking one off, he shouldn't be allowed to be alone in the bathroom for more than 2 minutes at a time. And NEVER w/a camera.
And. Why can't he count? Somewhere between 15,16, &17 something went terribly wrong, I mean there are hundreds of thousands of people that have seen your son/grandson miscount his age?
I think everytime someone clicks on his youtube video or he tweets a little black child & heaven loses their wings...its really unfortunate & mean that you have yet to stop him from this level of fuckery.

And speaking of fuckery....I was originally confused by his moniker until I saw his face. Is there something that 50 cent & Mike Tyson need to share w/us? Cause this boy looks like he may be their love child.
Its kind of unsettling. Ma'am did you happen to mate w/both of those "gentlemen" within a short period of time & now we have a peculiar amalgamation of the two? Because ma'am you've failed us & your son for that mating....

Now that we've outlined your offenses, could you please please see to it that your son is only allowed to use the toilet w/the door open to ensure that he doesn't smuggle a camera in with him?
Also. I'm begging you on behalf of the little African children in heaven, that you disconnect his internet connection, disable his myspace(why does he still have a fucking myspace--unfuckingacceptable!) And disassemble his camera while burning his memory card, for fear that he may attempt to upload supressed files.
And. Could you possibly get him some flash cards? I mean I'm sure my 6 year old nephew has some left over from Pre-K. We gonna need him to count past 16 if he's gonna try his hand at "playing ball".

And while I know we don't need any more black boy's aspiring to play ball...the alternative of him speaking & rapping is far worst.

So please ma'am. We'd appreciate your repairing these infraction IMMEDIATELY!!!


W/love and hope for the future children whose dreams Antonio Davis is killing w/his raps & tweets....

Smooches & Shit

1uppitynegress

8.22.2010

Porn Star?!? Not you sir....try again....

The other night as was the custom, we were having pre poetry conversation before my play mama's weekly open mic.
This week were happened to be talking about Montana *Chippy D* Fishburne & her new porn career...the main discussion centered on whether or not it made sense for Morpheus to disown his daughter in light of her new career.
Well...as we discussed this little skinty "poet" boi comes in. He asks us the topic. We tell him....he says he couldn't judge Monatana cause he's a former porn star himself.

*pause*


*page break*





and all that.


You were a porn star?!? Really?!? For real?!?

Naturally y'all know I went in for this one...he was a porn star?!? But he's all 19-20....porn star?!?
Yeah. I did A movie w/my homies down in ATL....



One. Movie?!? And you're calling yourself a PORNstar?!?!?

Now I ain't all that familiar w/porns...(My formers were more into hood shit & white people's movies are just too damn involved) but a porn star?!?
But I knew enough to know one movie don't make you no gat damn PornStar!!!


Eventually he had to admit, him & his boys were throwing fucking parties, though he called em "swinger parties"--again he's barely out of high school...they were fucking parties...and they made a movie. With some chick that went on to do a movie w/Wesley Pipes.

So yeah. From porn star to dude that had sex on a tape w/a future hoe....

I told him if he was a porn star then I knew a bunch of porn stars....considering the number of my whorish peers that had sex on tape....and they all did it more than once....shout out to one in particular cause in 2000/2001 she did bout 5 flicks w/these dudes....guess she should call herself the next Jenna James or Vanessa Del Rio....

By the time I finished w/the kid he ain't wanna answer any more questions. Maybe next time he won't call himself a porn star...but instead admit he had sex on tape in front of his boys.....or maybe he'll just STFU cause that ain't much better huh?!?

Only in my life....

Have a good week....my mimosa bellini combo is ensuring I do....

*smooches & shit*

8.15.2010

hey there good people.....

Its so funny to me when someone mentions my blog or I get a notification of a comment. I've become so accustomed to tweeting that I often forget that I have this here little ditty here.

Especially when you think about the bloggers that are far more consistent w/their updating. And them folks on tumblr. Lawd. I decided no more new social networks for me. Far too overwhelming.
But every now and again its interesting to have more than 140 characters to speak or think, even though most days I still manage to keep it to the 140 character minimum.

Its funny.

I guess that's become my normal. That's cool.

Spent the past few hours in my mama's bed talking to her.
She's explaining to me that she has decided my preferred existence would be a town w/only men and the women they date. I need to be surrounded & shrouded by my male friends because truly those are the only people that understand me and the only people I understand.
This is like the 3rd or 4th time she's made this comment to me in the past three weeks. I keep trying to dispute her and say "men can be just as dramatic as women" and she says and for that drama that's why you have gay bois. What can I say in response? She's absolutely right.
I guess she's remembering as far back as I can remember my closest or most normal friendships for me were w/boys.
Even the stupid boys that got to middle school & started their dumb ass campaigns against male female friendships she knows that male just mesh better with me. Even though I would rather watch Project Runway & Rachel Zoe, I have no problem going to a sports bar & chilling w/my boys as they watch the game. (I mean let's be for real I'll occasionally watch, but I'll mostly tweet & email...honesty folks....)

Hmph. She is mama. So she does know a lot.

I just wonder if I can get the bffs and their wives to all move to the same remote location.....that way I don't have to be bothered w/outside women folks til I decide I wanna be bothered....
Even more than that...I wonder if the future Uppity Negro will adjust to this lifestyle?!?!?


Guess I need to get back in Uppity Mama's bed in a few weeks and find out....


Nice. Chatting it up w/ y'all...I need to go and start getting ready...there's mucho to do in Chicago today & I need to be a part of it all....


Ciao Bellas & Beaus

6.14.2010

Busy days, Blogalicious, Nikki B & My Life as we know it.....

Someone invited Monday morning to the party and I didn't give my consent!
Wow....this weekend was extremely short and I'm thinking a do over would be nice.....or at least an extension?!? Yeah? Maybe?

My life is a series planned randomness....

Spent Sunday running around w/the BFF/founder of Nikki B boutique (http;//NikkiBBoutique.bigcartel.com or www.facebook.com/NikkiBBoutiqu dope handmade earrings & hair accessories) and trying to show her how blogging & tweeting can assist her business...
Along the way we had the pleasure of meeting the awesome ladies of Blogalicious!! What a great event they had at the Kenmore Studios(678 N. Wells---DOPE space!! Know that!!)
The ladies of blogalicious(I'm not saying their names only because I respect the correct spelling & do not wish to butcher & destroy their names!!!) afforded me an opportunity to meet & reconnect w/some of the awesome bloggers of the city. Great time w/great people.
I'm definitely about to subscribe to their blog as well...and you should too http://www.mamalaw.com sorry for the lack of hyperlinking....I'm blogging from the blackberry and some things will be lost in my translation....
Anyway after spending time at a great blogging event, I rushed the BFF to my nexy event, a spoken word event we do bi-weekly on Sundays "Speak Easy Sundays" over at the Brown Sugar Cafe. The bff wanted to know when the evening would end. I told her that she'd see the bed far sooner than I would.

She was amazed at the speed at which I lived my life. Rushing from one event to another....I told her you can't keep your ear to the street if you ain't out there spinning and making the wheels turn....
Dah welll....it always throws me off when someone new runs with me for a today. I never realize that my life is overwhelming for some...and too damn much for others....but....I like to maximize every opportunity. And if there's some place I can expose the people I work for & with to someone else....why not take that chance?

Gotta go, my stop coming up on the train and imk running late to class already!

See ya later....
Make sure you all check the above mentioned sites....they're all awesome....

5.31.2010

oh yeah....

Anyone that has successfully completed Chemistry in college for a life science major shoot me an email of your schedule for the fall.


I'm gonna need some tutoring.

My math is gonna require some help too.


I want to stay on the Dean's List & isht.

Okay


Night

(And its quiet outside finally & I can go to sleep.)

I am TERRIFIED of lightning!!!

That's right. I'm __ years old and I am scared literally out of my mind of lightning. Its the worst thing that you can do to me. Make me sit through a lightning storm and watch me cry!

Tonight as we were coming in from the club, my cousin & I were riding & talking discussing his future Mrs. and his deal breakers...we were doing well...
made it down lake shore drive, it was a few bolts, but nothing to Really scare anyone(except me, but I was sufficiently tipsy enough to ignore it kind of) We get off the drive and hit 67th & it was like a friggin light show.
It was terrible awful horrible and frightening, but my cousin's homie was with us so I was trying to front like I wasn't scared, til we pulled up in front of dude's house & the bolts started coming back to back to back. I tried to tweet & fb to take my mind off the lightning show,
until we got in front of my house and I was crouched in the corner of my cousin's car starting to bawl like a baby!!!!!!!
I wanted it to stop. It wouldn't. So I stayed in the corner. Til my cousin offered to walk me in the house.
I ran out that car like it was someone chasing me....
But the funny thing is, I am fine walking in my neighborhood at night, I'm not scared to venture off across the city into unknown neighborhoods. If there's a roadtrip & you need a passenger, call me long as I'm out of school and off work, I'm there
Failure doesn't scare me. Marriage doesn't scare me.


But a bolt of lightning?!?!? I'm ready to dive under the bed til it stops.
I ain't lying one night because there are sooo many windows in my house, I literally slept on the living room floor to avoid walking past the front door(that has two windows) up the stairs(two More windows) past the bathroom(a picture window) into my bed room(with a window that takes up half an entire wall!!!)

So yeah. My cousin saw me cry for the 1st time I think ever or at least in two or three years.

And I made him stay & talk to me til the lightning stopped....why?!?
Because othwerwise this post wouldve come from underneath the living room table tomorrow morning when I woke up.

5.18.2010

He claimed me heartless for not missing him the way he missed me...

After hearing this repeated several times

I quietly replied I can't continue to miss you once I've suffered a broken heart....













Heartless?!?!?
Definitely not me.

5.17.2010

I just realized....



it wasn't until I started writing the chronicles of my life on mini me's tumblr that I realized so much of my experiences are based on sexual activities....




And there's no guarantee that it's going to change either....

oh well...

anyway...sweet dreams and good nights...I'll be having them...or something close...

5.11.2010

...so maybe being a bitch ain't such a bad thing...

I am organized chaos personified....
like if something happened to me and my family had to go through my paperwork they would be horribly confused and probably more than a little angry at my "system". I understand this. I also know that if you need some paperwork from me, give me about an hour and I will have that file for available for your perusal. I still have copies of my papers from my very first foray into academia at the collegiate level. I keep everything of that sort because one never knows when it will become necessary to retrieve that paperwork.

To that end, I am also hyper professional and conduct business in like manner...I believe that everything should be done properly...minimum input maximum output...DO it right the first time...all of those cliched principles are thoughts I dwell on and live by daily. I figure there should always be a system of organization put into place to avoid having to redo things. I also think that when you have some sort of system in place, you HAVE to account for the possibility of things going awry.

You can be my very best friend, but I will separate the business interactions from the personal. It is necessary. People often times think that I am mean or abrupt because I like to get the business done then move into the other parts of life.

Because I am like this, I will fight tooth and nail for what I believe to be positive business practices...My artist I work with always calls me the pitbull when it comes to getting things taken care of properly...My friends simply say that I am a bitch when its time to get projects and work done...me I say that I am efficient.

Recently I was put in a situation where I began to second guess myself I worried that I was far to impatient and perhaps expected more of people than I should. Perhaps it was wrong for me to think there should have been a measurement of efficacy and a system of checks and blalances. In both situations I had to escalate the situation to a higher level, one being the Dean of Student Affairs and the other to the District Office of Financial Aid, in both situations because of my escalation of the issues, it proved not only beneficial to me, it proved to benefit other students around me as well. Initially in both situations I thought, perhaps I reacted too strongly, maybe I should not have expected these people to react in a more cognizant proactive manner, until it came time for resolution and it was revealed, had I not escalated the situations to these levels, then it would not have received the attention that it needed to receive to be resolved correctly.

In the end, I got the grade that I deserved in the course and I will receive the funding that is necessary for my coursework. As will about 5 other students in my class and at least 30 students in the district. I realized I am the person that shakes the tree cause otherwise it wouldn't move and things would not get done.
Perhaps I am abrupt and maybe even a bitch, but when you have me on your team rest assured you will get paid and things will be done...

5.03.2010

so i was supposed to be...

finishing up these last two chapters of my biology homework...I also have a couple of self quizzes that I need to take by wednesday...and since I'm at home today...why not do it now right? Only I received a text message of some information that required me to go to my home girl's website for her upcoming nuptials...so then I went to the website and I heard the song "Closer" by Goapele...

And then...my mind froze...indefinitely...and now I feel the need to read and write this here as opposed to completing the assignments that I obviously need to complete because I am totally in love with that song as well as the possibilities that the song implies. Its amazing that I am such a sucker for certain songs and even some movies, but with interactions I am completely emotionless and indifferent.

Oh well...that's enough for me...I'm done I'm gonna go and possibly complete another chapter or two of homework and stuff...eventually I will probably be back here or on Rae's tumblr writing...

and listening to #11 on repeat...New Amerykah pt 2....avoiding Goapele completely for the promise of eventual sanity...and peace...
There are a lot of sensitive folks around me...like A LOT!

I have to admit that I'm kinda over them. Like you don't get to be the gangsta bitch or thug dude, and then get all sensitive when I actually answer and treat you like the super tough biatch that you claim to be. Don't be mad kid...when you have them unnecessary feelings on ya shoulders and forearms then I kinda have to look at you like O_O

So I'm putting folks on notice...I ain't mad...nor do I actually care...I'm just saying...grow your game up...or not...just don't be asking me questions or putting me in a position that will cause me to have to be perfectly honest if you don't wanna have that honesty...

Stop being a punk...it ain't cute...

4.28.2010

I live in a world of metaphors...
similes line my street...
I sleep w/prose each night as I dream of days w/poetry...
I fell in love w/alliteration walking along the shores...
Writing words is what keeps me sane...
I'll never cheat on my journal,
...except maybe w/a blog...
there are days I dream in diction...
wondering if I can turn the words off...

4.24.2010

matters of the heart...are never simple....

How much easier this good bye would be if only I could manage to hate you

Despise you

Stop wondering if instead I do actually love you

I wish that my feelings for you were flimsy plastic palleable into something...nothing...

That's what I wish I wish I felt nothing for you then I could walk away without a second thought

I could say no to your calls & ignore your texts...

Because I'm somewhere halfway between love & like I'm not able to walk away...instead I'm standing in this door way, one foot in one out, and I'm not sure which way I should go...

If I move ahead and walk away what am I leaving behind, but if I stay after you've hurt me so deeply what am I saying to you? Hurt me as much as you'd like because my love for you outweighs my common sense?

How much easier it would be if you simply made me hate you despise you...then I'd know which way to go...but because I'm somehwere between like & love I'm standing here missing you and I've not even walked away....

4.22.2010

falling in like is the halfway point to love...




And just for today I wanna like you


real hard


real slow


real smooth


I really just wanna like


On



You....

4.21.2010

I had something in my spirit...I'm gonna just let it loose....

I am the stable one in my friendships....I am the one that everyone seeks to talk to about their problems...not because I am a social worker or that I am particularly well versed in this journey called life. But because I listen objectively and answer with the most honesty that I can muster.
Some days I find myself holding my tongue because I know that the person isn't really capable of receiving the complete honesty that I have to offer and I don't do well with bullshitting people so instead I remain silent.
This was a fairly easy thing til I lost my mind earlier this year...yep I have gone stone cold insane...I don't know how else to describe it...I lost it...I have been the listening center for far too many people and now I am slowly receding from that role...
I don't have the energy to be listen to everything that is going on in your life, especially when you have the tools to change things...I am no longer capable of sitting around and listening to the bull shit, doing the bull shit review or anything else. If you are an adult and can't make basic decisions to make yourself happier, what the hell will my listening to you complain do? Especially when you know the source of your discomfort? Nope I will not be that emotional dumping ground.
So if you notice that I'm not as available or not answering your calls...or texts...or instant messages...its not personal. I am just reserving the right to my own sanity. I deserve to dwell in my own kind of peace. Nothing against you, but your lack of emotional or mental progress has been impeding my own and well...honestly I can't deal any longer....

Two Fingers and an Honest Salute...

I'm a vapor....

4.04.2010

Good Mawning My Loves.....

Good Mawning my loves...hoping these words reaching you all ever so well....
Its been a while...I'm sure there's a few cobwebs in the corner....but I'm here...
Just wanted to take some time to shine some beauty in y'all lives.
Spread a smile a wide hello....
Its spring in Chicago...
Its time that I shake my hips...twirl around & stare the sun in its eyes & say hello my love...

I've shaken loose my skin and I'm feeling mighty fly...
Hopefully you all are feeling the same....

Good Mawning my loves...I'm still yawning a bit, but I'm ready to start a new day....

1.26.2010

Please Google:

Laura Bush African American History Museum.

Then discuss among your peers your thoughts.

See where we went wrong.

Think about how we can get things back on course.


Oh yeah if you live in Chicago and take public transportation and have a complaint, instead of contacting CTA @ 1-888-YourCTA try sending an email to the following people:
CTA Board of Directors:
terrypeterson@corp.transitchicago.com,
terry.peterson@corp.transitchicago.com,
Richard.L.Rodriguez@corp.transitchicago.com,
RichardLRodriguez@corp.transitchicago.com,
glonghini@transitchicago.com,
John.Bouman@transitchicago.com,
JohnBouman@corp.transitchicago.com,
John.Bouman@corp.transitchicago.com,
Katie.McClain@transitchicago.com,
KatieMcClain@corp.transitchicago.com,
Katie.McClain@corp.transitchicago.com
tmintle@transitchicago.com,
Henry.Chandler@corp.transitchicago.com,
Charles.Robinson@corp.transitchicago.com,
Alejandro.Silva@corp.transitchicago.com

as well as:
Chief Operating Officer
jeannette.martin@corp.transitchicago.com,
jeannettemartin@corp.transitchicago.com

Stop complaining to one another and start complaining to people that can make a damn difference!

1.23.2010

Mid day musings & shit....

Heyyyyyy now!!! Its mid January! We've started and headed full throttle into this here 2010 thang!
Though the first few days were hard with my uncle's sudden passing and then me being sick, its been a pretty good go thus far.
At one point I seriously considered doing the old maiden thing, and saying eff it let's go quickly and speedily
into them Dirty Thirties....but I decided why? Let's make this thang last. These last two years as a sexy twenty something are gonna work for me.
I've enrolled back in school, Yes Lawd! I always feel my best when I'm in school. Prolly has much to do with me being a nerd much of my life. But anyway
I'm taking this school thing in stride, I'm still trying to figure out a way to move east and only pay $80 per credit hour....I'm open to suggestions. Let me know.
Hook ya girl up----put me on GAME!!!
Because of the school I'm attending is super hood, I'd suggest if you don't already you get you a twitter account so I can regale you w/updates of the various rainbow hues
of hair that will surely match equally bright & offending clothing....not to forget the ever so colorful butchering of the language we speak in these parts...you know that bogus ass
Southern Chicago south side dialect. It'll be lots of fun I'm sure!

I've also decided that I'm not going to push folks(MEN-brethren-eye candy) away cause I'm planning to leave Chicago whenever the opportunity is available.
I'm not longer worrying about how long these things are going to last. If
its just a series of great if heavily veiled & sexually undertoned conversations then so be it. I need to work on my flirting anyway. Shoot during my time of sitting on the sidelines
I've dulled my skills, and I used to be an awesome flirt---batting eyelashes, pursing lips, licking lips....all that stuff....so....yeah time to get back in the game.

All in all I'm sure that this will be a pretty awesome year. Making traveling plans. Getting ready to enjoy my return to school....
Continuing this joy of being 28 passing for 23....and all that jazz...
Happy Happy Joy Joy....let's enjoy this thing....

1.07.2010

Now that that's done....

Wheeeewwwwww!!!!!!

I didn't think I was going to make it through that one yall!!!

2009 was a dirty b*tch to the kid!!

Buuuuuuuuuuutttttttt............

I ran her and made it!!!!!

It's amazing when you think about what can break you...and what keeps you going...there were many years before and I said..."ooh that was a tough one...ohhh that was hard..." but then nothing was like this past year...

Never ever ever thought I would have to walk alongside my mama as she fought cancer. That one...I definitely didn't know where to turn during that time..But I learned who supported me, and who was only down on the surface...and no judgments, you just ain't my friend. No need to be mad to be bitter....just am...

That's the next thing. I said good bye to a lot of failed friendships last year. Nothing wrong with outgrowing people...hell we shed and get new skin darn near daily...it's just hard when neither wants to admit that we're no longer bringing out the best in the person...and we no longer like the person that we are seeing...that's when its difficult...but necessary to deuce them and move along...

By that same token though...I have rekindled some AWESOME associations from High school...Whoa!!! Like there are some people that I find it necessary to communicate with on a semi-daily basis...like where have you been for the past 10 years? And how did I miss out on the greatness that is our friendship? I LOVE you man!!!!

I made some hard decisions regarding myself and relationships...I finally stood my ground and didn't allow myself to become an unwilling partner in something that I saw had no future for me...I didn't just go with the flow and then look back three years later like huh?
At the same time I discovered that I am more than willing to be in an open honest relationship...something that meaningful and rewarding...I realized that it is okay for me to be open to the relationship without seeming needy or desperate.
I also learned that in order to get into that relationship I must open myself and align myself with like minded people...growth....


So last year was one that included a lot of growing...I'm not done...
And hopefully next year we'll get to see further progression and growth...and lots of fun while doing it!

Ummm

If what I eat don't make you shit....why you staying on my plate?


I just don't understand why people stay in other people's lives if they don't like em? I've released folks that don't make me grow...why you keeping them? I mean shit! You don't have to feed them why you keep they names on your lips? I'm saying...this is crazy! You grown...stop acting like you ain't!

Also...if you ain't willing to work and make shit happen...fuck make you think that you deserve reaping off other nigga's sowing? G, when the last time you got out there hit the pavement and made shit happen? And you think that you gone get a piece of my pie? Naw boo! I won't be the one...

This is the new decade...new generation...I didn't come this far to let anyone swing on my back...I had to climb these trees...so take your turn put in your work and then you can climb up alongside me....