Because of my heightened understanding of neurosis & mental health issues I understand & recognize that I'm playing Russian Roulette w/my sanity. I know that its only a matter of time before I crack break or go completely numb. Upon recognizing that I also understand that anxiety/panic attacks are precursors to the manic break.
I haven't had a panic attack in about a year or two...not because I haven't been stressed or upset to the point of breaking, its cause when I feel one getting close I do all that I can to redirect the energy towards something else. Possibly just as stressful, but differently so. Probably not the best idea, but it works. That & writing. I write myself towards sanity, cause I know that complete sanity is just a farce at this point.
Last night I had a moment on my twitter time line cause I was so overwhelmed & I needed to calm myself & at the moment I didn't have any words so I needed quiet & calmness....over course there were probably those that thought I was being anti. Its cool. Many manic people suffer that stigma cause explaining mania is way too hard. Especially in black communities.
Anyway. None of that is what I was thinking when I started writing this... I actually started writing cause I began to wonder what the fuck would the people around me do if I started having a panic attack in front of them....I'm guessing initially they'd prolly wonder what's wrong & ask if I'm okay...but I'm convinced w/in an hour or two they'll be right back to asking me to do this go there read this support that....come to my house, see my new____....
I know they will simply cause they don't even see the signs. Instead they just keep pressing.
I guess it ain't their fault though...it ain't like I wave banners saying, "hey I'm overwhelmed & need a week" shit. It ain't like my life could afford me that long.
But damn I do wish I could sit in complete silence for about 26 hours....
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....
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