5.24.2011

Dear Future...

Dear Future(whatever) you're gonna have to understand, the only AMs I see w/out reluctance are those following my pm life....
I don't do mawnings except for yawnings & wishing you a great day...
I.

Am

Not

A

Morning(mawning)

Person

I wake up around noon. I stay awake until 4/5am....even if I'm IN the bed believe there's a book cell phone lap top or something w/me cause I'm not sleeping yet...somehow this hasn't BEEN a problem too often in the past...hopefully the future next understands the only time I'm out the bed before noon & it doesn't involve work it must be a special event. Except those extra special occasions when I see fit to make breakfast in the morning before you leave...just cause I dig you that much...
Its nothing new....I've always been nocturnal...night gives me a certain anonymity that doesn't happen during daylight & blending in & disappearing is a natural preference...

Dah well...maybe I shouldn't be 1uppitynegress...maybe from now on I'll be something lame like... The Nocturnal Flame....

Lol.....
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

5.14.2011

Sometimes I wonder....

Because of my heightened understanding of neurosis & mental health issues I understand & recognize that I'm playing Russian Roulette w/my sanity. I know that its only a matter of time before I crack break or go completely numb. Upon recognizing that I also understand that anxiety/panic attacks are precursors to the manic break.

I haven't had a panic attack in about a year or two...not because I haven't been stressed or upset to the point of breaking, its cause when I feel one getting close I do all that I can to redirect the energy towards something else. Possibly just as stressful, but differently so. Probably not the best idea, but it works. That & writing. I write myself towards sanity, cause I know that complete sanity is just a farce at this point.

Last night I had a moment on my twitter time line cause I was so overwhelmed & I needed to calm myself & at the moment I didn't have any words so I needed quiet & calmness....over course there were probably those that thought I was being anti. Its cool. Many manic people suffer that stigma cause explaining mania is way too hard. Especially in black communities.

Anyway. None of that is what I was thinking when I started writing this... I actually started writing cause I began to wonder what the fuck would the people around me do if I started having a panic attack in front of them....I'm guessing initially they'd prolly wonder what's wrong & ask if I'm okay...but I'm convinced w/in an hour or two they'll be right back to asking me to do this go there read this support that....come to my house, see my new____....
I know they will simply cause they don't even see the signs. Instead they just keep pressing.

I guess it ain't their fault though...it ain't like I wave banners saying, "hey I'm overwhelmed & need a week" shit. It ain't like my life could afford me that long.


But damn I do wish I could sit in complete silence for about 26 hours....


peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....