if you are my twitter or FB friend you'll have already heard that my family suffered a loss on yesterday(Sunday)morning. The mother of my awesome brother in law, Alida, passed in her sleep between Saturday night and Sunday morning...Even though she was my sister's mother in law, she was still an awesome part of our family, and the sense of loss that I feel regarding her death is still somewhat overwhelming...I mean we all were pretty close, we spent holiday, birthdays and just random days together. I don't know how the family gatherings will go without her being there with her quick wit and humor. She was good for those one liners that'll have you turning around like "What the Hell?!!?" She was a genuinely kind person...she was always there to assist my sister and Eric if there was something that needed to be done, she spoiled my niece and nephews to no end...and she would not hesitate to call us if there was something going on...and my mother would call her...We were a family for the past 13 years and I'm soo sad that she's gone...I don't often dream, but last night I dreamt for the first time in several weeks, and they all involved her. I am hoping that it's just her spirit transitioning and that she is now at peace. And no she wasn't ill, not in a way that would take her life, she had things going on, but nothing that would cause any of us to think too hard about it. I was just talking to my sister about her, and her cooking on Friday, while I was on my break. We were both saying that she needed to rest a bit more, cause she was feeling a little sick, and that this was the first Thanksgiving in like a million years that they weren't in Florida enjoying nice sun, as we all suffered with the cold. She would usually cook for them this weekend, and I know that my babies were looking forward to that. Now....
Now...I'm just praying for peace for not only me and my mama, but for my brother-he's not an in law in any way...I have to admit that...for Gina, for Kenny, for Kari, and for last but heaven knows not least, Big Ken, who found his wife of 30+ years on Sunday morning...
I ask that you all send out a prayer for our family too...Death is hard..and it's even worse when there's been no preparation for it...
So we ask of you this....
It seems that I have been more able to write thoughts than speak them. I know that I am a writer, something that I've never admitted and when working and living and breathing around the awesome writers that are in my life...it's sometimes difficult to use the words that I am given. Sometimes I supress my words for fear that they won't stand up against theirs, then there are times like this when there are no spoken words that could accurately express what I am feeling...I haven't formulated the sentences...only a few fragments...when written they make far more sense then anything that I could speak...it is then that I remember why I slept for years with a pen and a notepad, not always to write someone off...but sometimes to just write out what I'm thinking...what I'm feeling...what I am either incapable or refusing to say...
Then I write...I write until my fingers feel as though they are gonna bleed forever, until my head feels like an empty cavity...I write for survival...when you feel everything and around you the way that I do...you have to do something that quiets your spirit and brings about some kinda of peace...I haven't any other outlet...my friends love me...but they don't know how to receive my emotional state...my family adores me...but understanding is something they're incapable of right now...if I had a boyfriend, I'd push him away before it become to much simply because how can someone understand the level of hyper sensitivity that I am experiencing these days? So I write...and I write...and sometimes I blog to express...and to release...and to grow...and to maintain sanity...
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