....

It amazes me...that in my 28 years and my only 8 years of being in serious relationships I've managed to continuously align myself with people I am not capabe of loving the way that they need to be loved. I am a commitphobe is prolly something I should point out first. I cannot committ. I'm scared. I've lost myself once and the idea terrifies me of doing it again. My best friend is currently lost in a relationship that she doesn't even know how she got in....I've seen women do many things in a relationship that they swore they'd never do- I've done things in that one relationship I swore I'd never do-and haven't since then either. When you totally immerse yourself into a relationship you are saying I am willing to be hurt humiliated and a load of other things logical people don't intentionally do to themselves. Have I missed opportunities for this? Yes. I know I have. But I don't know how to stop it. I think that God is trying to teach me a lesson though, honestly cause I promise you all I keep matching up with are dudes that require you to completely align yourself with them wholly and completely. I don't have that ability. Not right now. Maybe never. Maybe I should start adjusting to cats, so that I'll be ready to get me a litter cause obviously I'm gonna be alone for awhile. Maybe forever. I don't know. Maybe I'll find a guy that's as indifferent as I am and can accept that I don't know how to love kinda, but not completely. I'm the chick that doesn't know how to move beyong treading lightly, but not completely plunging. I stay on the fringes, not because I do not know how to be inside, but I don't wish to be completely involved. Don't wish to be noticed. Don't want that responsibility.
The fringes are where I'm comfortable-where I want to be.

But I'm slowly learning about moving from the sidelines. I'm learning that perhaps that's not what love is.
That the passion I had, that when he would walk in the room when he would say my name when he would hug me- I know that even though I refused & he refused to use the words that traditionally expressed love- I knew that he loved me. I knew that he adored me. And that he loves me still and I love him. I know that words are never indicative of what true feelings are-that often words have nothing to do with the pure fury of love. I am learning that I can't expect everyone to be like him, to love like he did, that I can't keep pushing people away because they don't understand the way that he did that I don't always use words, but maybe cooking you a meal, cause I know you haven't eaten all day, or listening to you talk about a game I'll never ever play, maybe that's how I love without being hurt. Without expectation, cause expectation fall short of reality-cause the fantasy is always always better than the fantasy. And I don't want that to happen not again....

I have no idea.
But after you've had a great love, a passion that you can't control, where you can't calculate the next move cause you have no idea where it'll take you--when you forget that you've ever been in a relationship before cause this relationhsip blows your mind beyond belief...
Maybe you'll learn that sometimes complete submission is a hard thing.

People often say that you're supposed to- I don't know. Sometimes I think maybe you don't. Sometimes I think you meet too soon, before you all are ready to honestly be together and that's why it doesn't work out. Meeting him when he is still fresh new & not jaded and you've lived a life done things that you may never tell anyone-when he's still ready to plunge, but you know that swift paces lead to pain & hurt--but you know that if you met then 6 years later that you wouldve not just been with him. But prolly gave him your heart....yeah it was way too soon.

Its amazing that an open blog gives you the feeling that you can share more than you'd probably share with your closest friends.

But here, I can't see or hear you judging me. And here I really don't even give a damn. This allows me to be the purest me that I am capable of being...and I really like that.