I don't blog as regularly as I once did because of the amount of time that I spend on twitter...then in addition to that I was pursuing a relationship type thing....
Believe me ladies
don't allow yourself to be moved into something that you are not really interested in-in the end you will either hurt or be hurt, and really we that's not the point of relationships is it?
This weekend I took a stand and made a hard choice:
He wanted more than I am capable of giving right now, I'm grinding I'm trying to make sure that I get my stuff together, so a real relationship is just too much for me right now...honestly...I knew that...but he wanted that...and so I said I'd try...when actually I knew that I couldn't I knew that wasn't where my head was, felt kinda silly though since most women are looking for a guy to come in and be in a relationship with them, why am I running away? Cause I knew that relationship wasn't the relationship for me....even if he ain't awful, he ain't mine...you know? hope you do...cause you may be settling for a relationship that sucks too!
But not only was I not ready for a relationship, he wasn't ready for a relationship with me...I mean if you read my previous blogs you know that I'm a very complex individual...I don't hide my complexities either....I dont think that its fair for me to lie about who I am...I need to tell you that upfront exactly the person that I am and that I require so much more than the other chicks you may encounter so that you have a choice to be with me or not...ya know? And he thought that he could handle me...but I don't think he could, he didn't really know how to, and because I wasn't interested in being in a relationship, I wasn't trying to force it on him either...but if I don't want it and you aren't emotionally there for me? what can I do? Can't make him become what I need, especially when I know that I don't even want that right now...
Sooo where am I headed now? I'm waiting to get an interview date from the New York, wanting that to come through without a doubt...but if it doesn't happen, I'm starting back into a program in January...so serious about it that I'm even transferring credits...that's not a normal thing for me, I usually just say fuck it let's go....I am really submerging myself into whatever it is that I will be doing come January, if it's moving then that, if its school I'm doing that...I'm back on my health plan...90 more pounds by my birthday next year...It's just under a year, so I know that I can do it...I've stopped cutting my hair, like a complete regrowth I guess....
I hope that I don't miss too many important moments in anyone's life while I'm making this change, but know that you can always find me @ http://twitter.com/1uppitynegress
but I will be blogging more again, maybe even some fashion exploits...trying to get it altogether keeping it funky in the process...
I love y'all for still reading my words...hopefully you can see some growth in my struggles, cause I think that I am seeing them...
taking steps to not be angry...not be evil...and all that...I'm growing yall...
and for once...
it don't hurt as much...
maybe this skin shedding has ended and now I'm just adjusting to being...
maybe?
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