night time gives way to heavy thoughts...

I have no idea why I'm up writing this. I've taken Benadryl and drank chamomille tea. Sleep should be on the horizon right?
But for some reason I'm instead up thinking about the fact that I hope I am not sabatoging this new situation cause I'm not the best at real relationships. I'm better at pretending we're not together and spending time with a person but knowing full well it'll never progress into anything do therefore there's no need to invest time & thought into it. However this time I know that there is some actual potential longevity in this situation. I am realizing its not a let whatever happen type thing. This was made glaringly clear when I told him it was no need for me to make a strong committment to him when I am planning to leave within 6 months and move across the country, and he came to me a few days later saying that he isn't all that into Chicago either. Saying that he wouldn't be opposed to leaving at the same time and going with me. Kinda stumped me. I mean for real? I've had "situations" that have spanned half a decade and no man said he'd move across the country to be with me...
Damn.
Then today my cousin calls and says that my other cousin is missing. My G-Ma wanted to know if I'd spoken with her. Nope. Hell, a year ago the idiot told me & my sister she ain't even know our names. Clearly I hadn't spoken with this kid.
Then an hour later I get a call from him. Bad news. Not devastating but definitely life changing for him. Or potentially so....and he needs me. Soon as I finish this job search thing I'm doing I'm gonna throw on some clothes and go see him. Right after I finish dinner.
Then G-Ma calls. Damn. She has some worry in her voice I haven't heard in a while. Hmmm what has happened now? I find out baby goof hasn't been seen in a week. Damn. No one has seen her. There's been sightings but no one's seen her from our family. My G-Ma sounds more concerned and I think this ain't just her running away for a day or two. Its been seven. Now I have to wait around try to let someone know that she's missing, cause my immediate family doesn't know.
He still needs me.
My family needs me too.
I choose my family, maybe if I send out a few emails, maybe if I put up a post or two. Maybe then my granny won't have to say "well we just hoping she still alive" no more.
But he still needs me too. And now I'm too exhausted to leave out and I need to get ready for class, and I know he just wants my presence to say it'll be okay, but how can I say it'll be okay when my favorite uncle's daughter is out in the wind. And we know all too well what the streets can do. We have enough recovered addicts in the family to run a recovery center. We all saw the signs. We warned her mother. But what could she do, cause I believe until 3 years ago she was still mourning my uncle. See he went to sleep one night in August 1997, and never woke up again. She was left alone with a 2 year old and 5 year old. She wasn't ready to raise them alone, so she didn't raise them at all. The boy we were finally able to save him, but spending time trying to make sure he didn't end up in a gang, end up selling drugs, end up doing drugs, we forgot about her. She was busy sneaking around getting into shit. Getting high, fucking grown men we found out....and now now we can't find her, but really how long has she been lost? I'm guessing its been far longer than the 7 days she's been gone from her mama's house.


And he still needs me.


But tomorrow I got soo much shit to do.


And I'm trying real damn hard not to make him think that I'm not available to him.


Damn

This a fucked up time to start a new relationship.


But I did.
So I'll have to figure out a way to make sure I see him, cause he needs me, and I need to ne there just to sip tea, eat tortilla chips, and fall asleep while he's explaining things to me, and just make him know that even though this shit sucks today....its gonna be more than just okay...


I'm feeling the Benadryl. Maybe I just needed to purge...don't do that like I used to...I need to stop ignoring my words, they give me life breathe & understanding.

Peace fam...