I thank the creator immensely for showing me that glimpse of what madness can do if left unattended...
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....
There are too many of my sisters laying w/men that don't have their best interests at heart.
Some of these men know they're on folly....but some...some have no idea what hell & wrath they are setting forth...
But too many of my sisters are laying with men that are doing nothing but harming them. Hurting them...
And we've got to stop.
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....
Wonderful
Awesome
Beautiful....
Love.....
Amor
Amour
Αγάπη
Amore
All those wonderful words...all meaning something everyone is searching for...something everyone wants.
People kill for it
Die for it
Steal for it
Live for it...
Something as abstract as beauty
Concrete as a building
Something everyone yearns for-
Often imitated...many mistake lust for it...confusion infatuation with it.....
Love...
As elusive as LoVe is everyone around me seems to have been bitten by the love bug in some way or fashion. I often wonder what makes someone drop the L-bomb...is it good sex? Camaraderie? Someone that makes you feel good?
When is it appropriate to drop the L-bomb?
I tend to wonder because besides one ex that kinda forced me into using the word I've never told a dude that I love them...except my good friends after something real has taken place to make me realize hey I love them cause they're my family...but in a romantic sense? Never. For years I'd moan along w/India Arie about being ready for love and all that jazz...I'd play the game & pretend that I understood the true romantic love that everyone sings & writes & talks about incessantly...but I've come to realize I don't know what it is to honestly LOVE a man in a romantic manner. I've surely been in relationships before, but for whatever reason I've never been in a position to say that I've honestly LOVED the person...hell it takes me MONTHS to even admit that I like dudes...and that usually after we've been dating awhile....
Case in point I had this one dude tell me he loved me...I said thank you. I realized that was prolly an inappropriate response but to say I loved him back would have been a lie...so instead I questioned him...he had some reasoning and trust me it had nothing to do w/getting the drawls cause let's be honest we were far past that point...so I thought over His ideas of love vs what I think love is and decided upon "I like you like you".(Which eventually became LULU- cause what adult goes around openly saying "I like you like you"?!?) Yeah it sounds silly but it was the only way I could express to him that I had feelings for him and albeit they weren't flighty passing feelings...but it definitely wasn't LOVE....eventually that became a topic of discourse during our inevitable parting of ways....what can I say except I never lied to you....love evades me...I don't understand it...
I don't think I've ever responded appropriately to being told I love you...except the one ex from when I was 19 & I thought I was supposed to say I love you back...but that didn't work cause til this day that fool prolly think I loved him...I barely even liked him...but anyway....
That's not to say that I'm not passionate as hell about life...because I am....ask any of my friends...I love fiercely & wholly...but when it comes to romantic associations I tend to step back...
I understand that's just who I am...I am not wired to throw around my love uninhibited. I'm more cautious with mine cause I know if I love you I'll be up at 8 working your event even though I went to sleep at 4....I'll walk 6 blocks in snow from the club cause its your born day & the car got booted....I'll get up travel 2 hours to babysit your seeds so you can go to the dr....I'll entertain people I can't stand cause they're close to you...I'll support you (from the distance YOU imposed) marrying a dude that ain't good enough cause you love him...I'll go to hell & back for the people that I say I love...and I know when I open those floodgates of my love...its going to have to be reciprocated at the same level to the same degree. I don't believe in 50/50 relationships...its all or nothing if it ain't 100% I can't do it....so until that comes to me....
I guess the best I can give is a sweet & tender LULU in your ear....
Its been a blast....I feel a lot coming out my soul so I may blog a little more in the next few.....
minutes...hours...days...weeks...whatever the moon proposes for me I suppose....
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....
Yeah...I suppose that it would have been easier if I graduated from VSU or MSU back in 2003...gotten that degree in English or Marketing...but then I would have never been in Chicago in 2003 to meet Mai...or at the open mic that I met Self that led me to meet Spoken then started working with Spoken at the Cypher in Borders then from there walking down the street seeing Self & Spoken in 2007 during the grand opening for Da Book Joint, as I was going to get some honey blonde for my summer hair that led me to working with the Cypher Sessions that eventually became the TakeOver that made me Verl & Toni go over to the Checkerboard trying to promote the TakeOver and then talking to M'reld in the bathroom that eventually led to me working with her that led me to working the door at Gentle Persuasion and over hearing Oj's conversation with Binkey that led me to finding out that Oj was my little brother...that then led him to giving my older brother's information that has led me to an entire other part of my life that I prolly would not have come across if I lived my life on the straight and narrow...you know...like I thought I should have all these years...
Yep...and that was just one of the series of events that have occurred in my life...I know that the domino effect of having altered my life is so far reaching and unbelievable that there are so many moments that I am unwilling to erase for the few moments or possibility of having achieved the so called American dream...instead I like the fact that my life has lead me to meeting my very own Autumn, May, June & July...my own sisters...my version of the Ya-Ya sisterhood if you will...on that straight path I know that I would not have the sisterfriends that have saved me from myself the past 7/8, that have stood beside me and fought for me when I couldn't, that called my mama mama and knew when I couldn't take anymore and offered me there home their futon their keys to sanity I know that they came from me returning to Chicago and searching out my own path...
I look back on the past 26 years-cause those are the ones that I do remember clearly...I know where and when I got off the path of straight and narrow...and while I've spent some time in the forest and darkness searching hurting crying wishing wanting thinking that maybe somehow I could turn back...but I know that I could never be that girl that graduated from MPHS June 1999 prepared to step in the world of corporate organizations...she has been gone from me for several years...and now I know this woman that loves and laughs freely...sits quietly reflecting thinking learning growing loving waiting patiently on the journey...knowing full well that I could never make it on a path that has been drawn out...preferring to take the time and explore the people and world instead....
I cannot wait to see what the next 3 decades will bring...but whatever they are through the tears joys triumphs and pains...I will grow evolve love and be ever so free....
