chronicles of an uppity chick

Not Really a Resolution... But a Resolved Solution....

2011-12-28T14:30:00.001-06:00

So of course I'm off today doing shit with my life.... And I'm scrolling my Facebook news feed... My homegirl who has been having a particularly shitty go at relationshits of late wrote asking how she could choose awesome friends, great lovers, but fucked up partners.... Of course I'm beyond the point in my life where I am going to step up to that paradigm of mind boggling whatever. But. What I did do was give her my thoughts on where that shit leads. I mean cause honestly if we are going to do that, we gotta realize how that shit effects us. And I'm tired of being effected so fully & negatively by relationshit. Ive decided I'll take 2012 the same way I took 2011 in stride. I'm timed f being hurt & let's just be honest at 30 I'm tired of even being bothered. I figure you gonna take me as I am or get the boot. I am over crying bashing crashing my heart into the wall... Well anyway... This was the resolved solution I shared... And hopefully it doesn't sound too much like something I've said before, but if it is, it means I'm still looking my goal squarely in the face & I'm refusing to give up on what makes me fulfilled & happy. And honestly ain't that kinda where we all need to be anyway?!?

"At 30 after much soul searching hurt feelings bitching bashing sessions I have decided if 2012 brings me all that 2011 brought include awesome adventures great trips random explorations lots of laughs cool experiences & even doper people to share these experiences with, while yet alone... I'll take it. Because I refuse to continue wondering whining pining hurting asking why or what went wrong & when & how I can stop it from happening again. I have fully realized this year that my love is too full too voluptuous too righteous too honest too open too passionate too real & too free to be trampled over to be cast away to spend my time wondering how this time could have been different. I have dated the same person since I was 19, they've all had different names different faces different "issues" but they've all been the same brooding emotionally unavailable person. And I have learned I don't deserve that... So until I meet & receive who I deserve I will fly this journey solo & I will enjoy it... Because really what choice do I have otherwise?"

From God's Lips to Mine....

One Day He Who Shall Remain Nameless Will be Named.... Overtly....

2011-12-17T00:59:00.001-06:00

So. The other day as I perused my twitter timeline I came across a link to one of the few blogs I'm still subscribed to receive emails from regularly. The current blog referenced a previous blog that I figured I must read immediately. That blog http://tinyurl.com/sugatellsmytruth Lawd.... That blog definitely had my eyes moist & my throat constricted. I was taken aback by the fact someone else was telling my truth. It was super hard for me to open myself to the possibility of a relationship simply because the last time I tried my heart wasn't broke so much as disregarded. So when I did it this time around I figured oh... Well he pursued me so this won't end that way... I was clearly focused on enjoying the end of my twenties & having as much fun as possible, until he who shall remain nameless aka hwsrn entered the picture.

I won't spend a lot of time on hwsrn but I will say that I enjoyed the little time we spent together. I have realized that instead of me focusing on him I'd focus on what he opened within me & the fact I realized that if I wanted to, I could definitely be in a relationship where I allow the man to take the lead. Even though my feelings were hurt by hwsrn, I understand the purpose that he served in my growth. I didn't like it. Nor did I enjoy the time I spent growing & learning the past eleven months I understand that those months were spent alone so that I can grow. And step outside my norm. I've learned or accepted rather, that even though hwsrn didn't "appear" to be the same as the formers before him, he did fit a pattern. He was similar to everyone before him in that he was the emotionally unavailable moody artist, that I date. Continuously. He was a better version of the dude I dated, though different from the ones before him, yet still a variation.

Hwsrn was exactly who I wanted & needed him to be. I cannot blame him for anything more than who he was, he was everything he could be, it wasn't his fault that he lived up to my expectations. Wasn't his fault that he reflected everything I ever put into the universe. An improvement from the ones before him, yes, but still not quite the needed....

I've decided that instead of constantly dating the same moody unavailable person that causes me that level of discomfort or pain, I've decided to stop outside myself & become open to the possibility of maybe with an "unfamiliar" face. I've decided to step outside my norm & become willing to date someone somewhat different. As much as I want to clam up & not ever experience hurt pain or discomfort again, I know that's not what's supposed to happened. I know that in my future I am supposed to find a "He Who Will Be Named Overtly" and loved plainly.....

Until then... I will enjoy my flirty thirty. And dance fully in the rain snow & sunshine....

From God's Lips to Mine....

2011-11-24T11:45:00.001-06:00

Sometimes.... I wonder things. Then God reminds me, "That's really not your place..." And then I work to kind of avert my thoughts to other stuff....

~Reflections upon Thanksgiving. And humans.

From God's Lips to Mine....

My. Twenties. Were. Hard.

2011-11-01T16:15:00.001-05:00

My. Twenties. Were. Hard.

That's it. They were hard as shit. Fucked up relationships. Fucked up friendships. Fucked up identification of self. They were bad. My mama was diagnosed with cancer. Folks died. I was unemployed for a year. Had two life changing experiences with dudes who were utterly pointless and meaningless.

Yep. My. Twenties. Were. Hard.
I'm saying I gained massive amounts of weight. Didn't get my degree. Fucked over money. Let people fuck over me. All of that.

And then I made it. Every year. I made it. I got through it. All the anguish. The hurt. The pain. The fucked relationshits. The fucked up friendships. My mama survived cancer. I did not make permanent additions to my life that would have altered everything about who I am.

I made it.

And now. I'm waiting. Anxiously. Expectantly to see what these thirties will be bring.
My head is up high. My shoulders back. My back is straight. And I am stepping happily forward. Not spending my time looking back because there is too much to look forward to....

And you know what?!?

I'm ready!!

Cause chile... My Twenties? Honey. They. Were. Hard.

From God's Lips to Mine....

Breast Cancer- The Beauty of Survival

2011-10-03T09:23:00.001-05:00

February 13, 2009 I got a phone call from my mama that sent my life into orbit. She went to the OB/Gyn to have the reading of her mammogram. Pretty routine appointment for us, cause mama got mammograms every year.

But. This time was different. I heard a sob in her voice, and my mama ain't one for public bawling. Then she said to me the words I never thought I'd hear: I have breast cancer. From there she broke down!!!! All I could do was fall on the couch. I prayed it was a lie. A mistake. I hoped that it wasn't true. But it was. My granny Freddie went to the parking lot to meet mama. Stayed with her & followed her home, so she could rest.

From the diagnosis to surgery to rigorous radiation was the cycle of the next few months. In fact the radiation was so rigorous & aggressive that if we ever see a reoccurrence mama wouldn't be able to undergo radiation. Only chemotherapy.

I remember going with mama to appointments & hearing the horror stories from the nurses. I remember hearing about one lady who stopped doing radiation because the cream they give you for your skin ruined her tops & blouses. I also remember my mama going to walgreen's to get "white tees". I promise this was the only time I found it useful we had an abundance of white tee shirt outlets in the hood.
Another lady had a double mastectomy. And insisted the doctors gave her implants as soon as she finished treatments. Because of the size & placement of the implants doctors were unable to find or check for reoccurrence of lumps & she subsequently died when her cancer reappeared & it took too long to diagnose.
My mama. No mastectomy. Just a lumpectomy but she was willing to do all that was necessary to increase her surviv rates.

There were so many women that refused to take the Femarra medication prescribed to breast cancer patients because it makes you gain weight.

My mama takes her medication. Walks to & from the train. Removed many things including most processed foods from her diet & while she's seen some weight gain, she's also still here.

Breast cancer it's not all pretty pink ribbons & some days it's downright ugly when you're trying to make sure there's enough cream on your mama's breast to make sure the cotton tee shirt does not stick to her badly burnt breast.

But when you can look back two years later & remember The treatments & still hug love fuss with & thank god for your mama those not so pretty moments are over taken by the beauty of her survival.

From God's Lips to Mine....

My mama always told me....

2011-08-28T11:12:00.000-05:00

To never depend on other people to validate me. She also told me that on October 19, 1981 8:30am she only had one baby... So that's the person I need to worry about. She also told me the only ass she better catch me kissing is hers cause hers is the only one I'm dependent upon....

As I approach thirty I reflect upon those words... I am often told that I drop people out of my life & existence way too easily for them to have been real friendships but I'm not sure that I agree with that... I think that I understand that friendships truly are for reasons, seasons, or lifetimes and when it is time to bid adieu I'm just more willing to acknowledge that vs sitting around trying to force it to work... I understand that people have their places in our lives for whatever reason they are there but I'm also willing to let folks go... I'm not callous just honest... I'll still wish you a happy birthday make sure I greet you at the turn of the year, but if you have outrun your time in my life I will let you go...

And no this isn't a "warning" that I'm kicking people out... It's simply an acknowledgment that I understand why you & me are not going to speak very much in the future and to acknowledge those whom I haven't spoken to often or at all in the past. I still love you. Jah blessings to you in your future endeavors. Respect to your familia... Growth overstanding & wisdom....
Freedom...

Be at peace with the fluidity of the journey...

But for now in this time... Our time has ended....

From God's Lips to Mine....

Just Wondering

2011-08-06T02:32:00.000-05:00

Ummmm sidebar of life... Are these Keith Sweat songs I keep hearing on V-103 NEW cause it sounded like he was doing a concert.#bbmconfused
From God's Lips to Mine....

Dear Future...

2011-05-24T03:50:00.000-05:00

Dear Future(whatever) you're gonna have to understand, the only AMs I see w/out reluctance are those following my pm life....
I don't do mawnings except for yawnings & wishing you a great day...
I.

Am

Not

A

Morning(mawning)

Person

I wake up around noon. I stay awake until 4/5am....even if I'm IN the bed believe there's a book cell phone lap top or something w/me cause I'm not sleeping yet...somehow this hasn't BEEN a problem too often in the past...hopefully the future next understands the only time I'm out the bed before noon & it doesn't involve work it must be a special event. Except those extra special occasions when I see fit to make breakfast in the morning before you leave...just cause I dig you that much...
Its nothing new....I've always been nocturnal...night gives me a certain anonymity that doesn't happen during daylight & blending in & disappearing is a natural preference...

Dah well...maybe I shouldn't be 1uppitynegress...maybe from now on I'll be something lame like... The Nocturnal Flame....

Lol.....
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

Sometimes I wonder....

2011-05-14T10:40:00.001-05:00

Because of my heightened understanding of neurosis & mental health issues I understand & recognize that I'm playing Russian Roulette w/my sanity. I know that its only a matter of time before I crack break or go completely numb. Upon recognizing that I also understand that anxiety/panic attacks are precursors to the manic break.

I haven't had a panic attack in about a year or two...not because I haven't been stressed or upset to the point of breaking, its cause when I feel one getting close I do all that I can to redirect the energy towards something else. Possibly just as stressful, but differently so. Probably not the best idea, but it works. That & writing. I write myself towards sanity, cause I know that complete sanity is just a farce at this point.

Last night I had a moment on my twitter time line cause I was so overwhelmed & I needed to calm myself & at the moment I didn't have any words so I needed quiet & calmness....over course there were probably those that thought I was being anti. Its cool. Many manic people suffer that stigma cause explaining mania is way too hard. Especially in black communities.

Anyway. None of that is what I was thinking when I started writing this... I actually started writing cause I began to wonder what the fuck would the people around me do if I started having a panic attack in front of them....I'm guessing initially they'd prolly wonder what's wrong & ask if I'm okay...but I'm convinced w/in an hour or two they'll be right back to asking me to do this go there read this support that....come to my house, see my new____....
I know they will simply cause they don't even see the signs. Instead they just keep pressing.

I guess it ain't their fault though...it ain't like I wave banners saying, "hey I'm overwhelmed & need a week" shit. It ain't like my life could afford me that long.

But damn I do wish I could sit in complete silence for about 26 hours....

peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

Wanting that old thing...feeling...back...

2011-04-28T05:31:00.001-05:00

If you follow me on twitter you've already seen the beginning of this blog...and if you don't, you may wanna hit the time line to get the other parts of this cause I ain't starting over from the top....

In my reflecting & reminiscing, I've been thinking about the security of having a dude & how it feels to know that you have a dude more than the actual having of the dude.

Confusing?

Yeah. So is my life, brain, existence, dwelling & patterns. Read me more often & you'll become accustomed. Or you'll stop reading & never have to worry about it again. Either way this is all I got to offer.

Me.

Flaws

Confusion

Brattiness

Snarkiness

Cattiness

Selfishness

Me...

So anyway...
I think the things I miss the most about having a boyfriend/boo is being held by them while sleeping. None of the big stuff of having someone to date(nice) sex(awesome) a companion(wonderful).
But what I truly miss the most is having someone to sleep beside & put my head in the nape of their neck(one of the advantages of being 5'1 is there are very few dudes that aren't tall enough for you to somehow fit your head in the nape of their neck, while it may be difficult when rocking weaves & wigs as big as I like to wear, I somehow still manage to get into that itty bitty slice of space).

I've always been affectionate. I love hugging my friends. My good friends know that when I'm cold sleepy sad hungry bored or whatever I'll get all in their space & snuggle up to them regardless of the time & place. Or the sex of the buddy. If I need a snuggle I'm getting it. And having a constant companion ensures that I don't have to steal snuggles from my indulgent friends, I can have that from him.....

This has of course done nothing to reduce my not really longing, but desire, maybe that's the word, for a companion. But I don't know. I may come out this funk in a few days & figure that snuggling w/my homies is enough & I don't need a him to snuggle with or lay on...but somehow I doubt it.

I mean I'm perfectly okay w/sleeping alone 26 days out of 30. But something about Day 27 has me all up in my feelings and all the body pillows in the world can't put their arms around my lower waist pull me in close position my head under their chin & ask me if I have enough room.....

peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

Gat Damn Girl!

2011-04-04T02:49:00.001-05:00

Ladies!
I know we loves our men....we loves them...dirty drawls & all we still loves our men... Don't matter if everything that comes out that man's mouth is cash money bull shit...we loves our men....and since we know how many sisters don't have a good man we find ourselves feeling the need to "protect" our sure thing from all these vultures out here trying to cast a spell on our sweet thang....

Yeah right

I mean come on....that's bull shit
If he's yours...then he's yours....you aint got to climb your insecure ass in his lap every time he's having a fucking conversation w/another chick! I mean really?!? You gonna all but straddle this man in public cause he's having a conversation?!? But isn't he FUCKING YOU?!? Grow up sis. He's not that attractive to everyone....and even if he was....have a bit more confidence in what y'all have....you don't have to slither across the room & stand guard because HE not SHE said something to one of the females in the room. And if you're that insecure, maybe you should tell him he isn't allowed to have conversations w/other women...

But. If you do that you may run the risk of him realizing how insecure you are and also the possibility that he's not that into you....and that well neither of those options are quite pleasing or appealing....

Something has to give though...when people are in public places doing normal benign tasks & you creep up wiggle your way into the conversation or even worse his lap folks are either going to conclude this is the 1st time a man has showed you attention or you have issues with your esteem....either option sucks for you...

So in the future stand down sis, I'm sure he got plenty left for you...I mean you ARE the one he's going home with.....right?
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

"So Te how has everyone else reacted? And by everyone else, I mean guys?"

2011-03-11T09:39:00.001-06:00

Talking to my bffs & her husband while visiting w/them & their brand new beautiful baby girl, we somehow got on the subject of my hair.* Well...not really somehow...my hair is something that always comes up w/me & him only cause its always something completely different from what he saw the last time...at least generally speaking.
But last night he asked me something no black person(he's mexican btw) has even thought to ask..."So Te how has everyone else reacted? And by everyone else, I mean guys?" (I should insert that my love life or lack there of is always a subject w/him& I...especially when I'm actually dating..ha!) I had to pause...cause it was so funny that he'd asked this soon after me thinking about the different reactions I receive from males & females. And I know that by nature most men love hair, as our femininity is associated w/hair, but I have definitely had mixed reactions from my male friends. They all acknowledge my beauty, guess cause that's an undeniable fact-no asswhole....but they still look as if they're longing for the days past when I had something for them to run their fingers through(ALL of my male friends play in my hair-regardless if there's a sexual affection or not-been that way since my youth-it ain't changing).
But on the other side, every single one of my female friends have told me how this hairstyle opens my face & allows my bone structure to seem amplified. Funny thing is I didn't realize how long my neck was until I sent a pic to my bff & she commented on the length & grace of my neckline...lol...I never thought that far...I was just tired of combing & maintaining my hair.
BFF's husband upon hearing my response said to me, "well I'd imagine it takes a certain amount of confidence to wear a style like that huh?" Never thought of it that way but I guess it does...a freedom w/in self I'd guess....I don't know for sure cause like I said I just woke up one day went to the barber shop & told him to cut it low...that's it...I wasn't liberating myself from a relationship, job, or anything else...I was just tired of worrying & fussing over hair. I've maintained the short cut for a while...but now for the spring I'm thinking of letting it grow some...or completely...who knows...

Funny that the first time I'm writing about my hair in months I'm rocking a wig over it cause its time for a new color...guess even when I'm trying to keep it low maintenance it still isn't...dah well...the paradoxes & dichotomy of my life keeps it interesting....

*to clarify I was sitting w/two of the three BFF's-but one of them is now married w/a brand new beautiful & gawgeous little angel!
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

So...yeah...my love life huh?!?

2011-03-06T12:26:00.001-06:00

Yesterday I hung out below the Mason Dixie...or at least what I consider below it...the only suburbs in Chicago not really accessible by public transportation...the south suburbs at my mama's house....

We always have a great time, and now that we no longer live together my momma sees these visits as her chance to find out everything in my life... And of course yesterday was no different...while riding to the grocery store my mom asks me about my "love life". I chuckled ruefully & wondered...so how does one answer this one? And then I told her the truth...there wasn't much of a love life to describe...for the past 2-3 yrs every guy I have dated or attempted to date has had an inability to adjust to my schedule & my complete lack of availability at some points....the one dude I was dating that could understand my life, seeing as his was just as tumultuous & complicated, had a serious of unfortunate events that led to him & I no longer being a "him & I".
I've learned that I need to be truthful w/guys that are interested in dating me, cause to have a dude try to take you out & for 6-10 consecutive days you have to remind him you work full time, attend school-full time, have two free lance operations-both of which equal a full time job....tends to make guys think you're not so interested in them.
I ran down my schedule to a dude the second time I was able to talk to him after meeting, he asked me at that point, "so why did you even give me your number, there's no way in hell I can squeeze into that schedule". What could I say? I bend & adjust for guys that are worth the trouble, but 2nd conversation in? I know nothing about you & whether or not you're worthy of my canceling appointments or doing homework at work so we can go out directly following work...
I've tried to better juggle my schedule...even reducing one load or another...but no matter what something or someone gets slighted & I feel like complete shit for doing it....

All of this went through my head when my mama asked me, "So Trice, what about YOUR love life, what's going on w/you?"

I simply nodded & said to her "w/my life right now, not very much..."
She wrinkled her forehead, and said, "but you're out of class & off work everyday but 9...why can't you just adjust some things...."
I could only nod & say "I know mommy....maybe one day though..."
And for now that's all I can say...maybe one day...but for now...my blackberry is the only "dude" I'm sleeping with these days....

Le Sigh....taking over the world is awesome...I won't complain...cause not many others can live my life & there are those that would happily trade me for it....

Dah well....
Toodles Smooches & Sixty Seven Grande Americanos loom before me...and I'm supposed to be working...not writing....until the other side of the moon....
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

2011-02-19T09:18:00.001-06:00

And...she stood from afar watching them...as they scattered around here & there...running from place to place in circles as though in a maze....none of them stopping to enjoy the nature & earth around & beneath them...
And she realized that was the problem...
She murmured to herself quietly...
"Oh that is the problem w/you mortals & your feelings...you don't know how to truly feel & experience & understand"
And with that she took flight back to the heavens to sit among the deities & other enlightened ones...
And they...the mere unseeing mortals that have not lifted the veils from their eyes always wonder why she's alone when she appears, where stands her companion for they cannot see or fathom that she sits amongst the God's of the universe patiently awaiting her mate's ascent to the heavens beside her....
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

thoughting....

2011-02-05T02:33:00.001-06:00

“You people bore me so…with your ordinary lives and normal existences…I often wonder how frightening it would be to be “normal”….”

—	me…during the intoxication…or just during life…who knows really? I've never really been normal have I?!?!?

Madness & Mania is sooooo real

2011-01-26T01:07:00.001-06:00

This week I was privy to the madness that will overtake my mind if I'm not careful to stop & rest.
If I don't remain diligent about staying in my lane & remaining on my path I will truly lose my mind. That's not an acceptable option so I'm treading slow staying in my lane & learning now to stop attempting to save those that aren't attempting to save me...those that siphoning from me but not pouring back in to me & my spirit.

I thank the creator immensely for showing me that glimpse of what madness can do if left unattended...
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

2011-01-24T12:32:00.001-06:00

Since my spirit ain't right cause of things I'm experiencing...I know that I'm supposed to remain in silence. I know I am. I know that I could've said these things on facebook or twitter but since my spirit so caught up in these things I know I ain't SUPPOSED to do what I COULD do.....

There are too many of my sisters laying w/men that don't have their best interests at heart.
Some of these men know they're on folly....but some...some have no idea what hell & wrath they are setting forth...
But too many of my sisters are laying with men that are doing nothing but harming them. Hurting them...
And we've got to stop.
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

Ohhh damn I ain't know it was THIS long...stretching out I guess...

2011-01-21T00:01:00.001-06:00

Ahhhh....love...

Wonderful

Awesome

Beautiful....

Love.....

Amor

Amour

Αγάπη

Amore

All those wonderful words...all meaning something everyone is searching for...something everyone wants.

People kill for it

Die for it

Steal for it

Live for it...

Something as abstract as beauty
Concrete as a building

Something everyone yearns for-

Often imitated...many mistake lust for it...confusion infatuation with it.....

Love...
As elusive as LoVe is everyone around me seems to have been bitten by the love bug in some way or fashion. I often wonder what makes someone drop the L-bomb...is it good sex? Camaraderie? Someone that makes you feel good?
When is it appropriate to drop the L-bomb?

I tend to wonder because besides one ex that kinda forced me into using the word I've never told a dude that I love them...except my good friends after something real has taken place to make me realize hey I love them cause they're my family...but in a romantic sense? Never. For years I'd moan along w/India Arie about being ready for love and all that jazz...I'd play the game & pretend that I understood the true romantic love that everyone sings & writes & talks about incessantly...but I've come to realize I don't know what it is to honestly LOVE a man in a romantic manner. I've surely been in relationships before, but for whatever reason I've never been in a position to say that I've honestly LOVED the person...hell it takes me MONTHS to even admit that I like dudes...and that usually after we've been dating awhile....

Case in point I had this one dude tell me he loved me...I said thank you. I realized that was prolly an inappropriate response but to say I loved him back would have been a lie...so instead I questioned him...he had some reasoning and trust me it had nothing to do w/getting the drawls cause let's be honest we were far past that point...so I thought over His ideas of love vs what I think love is and decided upon "I like you like you".(Which eventually became LULU- cause what adult goes around openly saying "I like you like you"?!?) Yeah it sounds silly but it was the only way I could express to him that I had feelings for him and albeit they weren't flighty passing feelings...but it definitely wasn't LOVE....eventually that became a topic of discourse during our inevitable parting of ways....what can I say except I never lied to you....love evades me...I don't understand it...

I don't think I've ever responded appropriately to being told I love you...except the one ex from when I was 19 & I thought I was supposed to say I love you back...but that didn't work cause til this day that fool prolly think I loved him...I barely even liked him...but anyway....

That's not to say that I'm not passionate as hell about life...because I am....ask any of my friends...I love fiercely & wholly...but when it comes to romantic associations I tend to step back...

I understand that's just who I am...I am not wired to throw around my love uninhibited. I'm more cautious with mine cause I know if I love you I'll be up at 8 working your event even though I went to sleep at 4....I'll walk 6 blocks in snow from the club cause its your born day & the car got booted....I'll get up travel 2 hours to babysit your seeds so you can go to the dr....I'll entertain people I can't stand cause they're close to you...I'll support you (from the distance YOU imposed) marrying a dude that ain't good enough cause you love him...I'll go to hell & back for the people that I say I love...and I know when I open those floodgates of my love...its going to have to be reciprocated at the same level to the same degree. I don't believe in 50/50 relationships...its all or nothing if it ain't 100% I can't do it....so until that comes to me....
I guess the best I can give is a sweet & tender LULU in your ear....

Its been a blast....I feel a lot coming out my soul so I may blog a little more in the next few.....
minutes...hours...days...weeks...whatever the moon proposes for me I suppose....
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

See...I was gonna do this here buuutt...

2011-01-18T22:37:00.001-06:00

I realized that even though my tumblog is open it ain't as many people checking for it and I feel like I still have a modicum of privacy there...
Sometimes and I know folks will judge me for saying this...but sometimes I miss the days of blogging over on myspace...then I'd have an idea of just how many people are actually viewing my words that are written even if I don't know who...here its like let's just through this in the universe & see where the chips fall...

IDK....most days that's cool too...but sometimes...sometimes I kinda wanna feel like I know just who's interested in the random ass idiosyncrasies of my existence...like give me a little bit of something...dah well...its amazing for someone as enigmatic & lackadaisical as I you'd think these things wouldn't matter to me right?!?
But perhaps that need to not care while yet yearning to control is the paradox of who I am today as well as who I have always been...who the hell knows for sure?!?
But I sure as hell sometimes feel like blogging here is like walking the streets in a clingy shirt & no bra....everybody just see me swinging in moving in all different directions & I have no control over it...

Dah well...and the greatest thing about this random rumble?!? I'm not pmsing or overly emotional(well no more than normal for an imbalanced ass libra always hanging in the balances waiting to see what the hell will happen next)...I'm just kinda having an honest tumble into this forum called the universe...

Well if you excuse me...there's some sheets that I'm about to get reeeeaaalll familiar with and a pillow I'm about to give some major head action and some raspberry acai tea that's about to get this mouth work happening....

Until next time....whoever you are out there lurking about reading my words...

Deuces Bitches!!!!
peace...blessings....overstanding...knowledge.....freedom....

So yeah...this is another by product of getting to 30...

2011-01-14T01:54:00.000-06:00

Yep....this is another by product of that super exciting Dirrrty Thirrrty....when you start getting those totally unexpected invitations in the mail...not that you'd been sitting there pining away for him...it's just that you kinda thought one day we'd get back to where we were and make it happen...or at least there'd be that conversation...until you get that text that ______got married the other day...and you think...well...wow....I guess that makes sense...or something like that...

It's funny cause my homegirls were having a session the other day and one revealed that when an ex gets married or has a kid and starts to post the pics on social networks she deletes them...I chuckled to myself and wondered why I go ahead & torture myself looking and lurking until I decide that this isn't fun...instead I would rather just not know...so yeah...sometimes they just don't get added...I prefer to never know what's happening than to think...hmmm wonder why he married her...*

But yeah...got one of those text the other week...so i'm kinda just....marinating...

*please don't confuse "why did he marry her?" with "why didn't he marry me" that's not the sentiment...its literally like "hmmm...that's interesting wonder why he did that...especially in this moment". I realize that I'm not quite ready for marriage even in the least...I'm just getting the hang of possible relationships...

2011....Diirrrty Thirrrrty soon come...

2011-01-13T02:12:00.002-06:00

Hey y'all...this is the beginning of my 3rd decade...
that's right...30 years will soon be under my belt...I am 5 years off of middle aged and almost to the point where I should be ready for babies and carriages....
hahahaha as if...
anyone that knows me knows that 30 is the time that I want to really get a grip on this here world that we live in...see what the hype is about in Belize...take some time and roll a spliff in Amsterdam(we all know this is a lie-but it sounds good right?!?!) Maybe hit Hong Kong see what the shopping is really like...take a chance and see what New Delhi is like...check out that extreme hotel that's in the Mediterranean...maybe see the Taj Mahal...definitely need to see what its like to shop at Hermès --see the paintings in the Louvre...finally visit Madrid and get some boots that are custom made for my short flat foot....

In a word this is the decade for me to see the world...kiss the foreign boys...find love...loose it...find it again and just enjoy the life that is before me...

I dreaded turning 26, 27, 28, & 29 because I hadn't accomplished the things that I thought I would have by now...but then I think that I've still done some pretty awesome shit...

I was interviewed on CNN for taking on a horrible television show that was going to set our race back a million and one years....
I worked tirelessly with classmates to reveal the horrors of Vieques and the oil spills and run offs....
I've met some pretty fugging awesome people including Jill Scott, Talib Kweli, Dwele, Eric Roberson, Slum Village, and so many others...
I've set at the helm and saw how to put together a million dollar event on a shoe string budget...
I've gotten to see my friends get married have babies grow mature
I've met my brothers...and found an entirely new family in them
I've had the opportunity to watch my sister have each of my babies...and seen them grow and become little people and one even turning into a preteen...
I learned to let go let God and just truly be free....
I had a kiss in the moonlight that made my leg pop in a 90 degree angle...
Walked the lakefront in 20 degree weather because he wanted to talk....
And now I'm letting him be the man and taking the role as the women and learning that even if this one ain't forever...for now it will be great....

Yeah...I suppose that it would have been easier if I graduated from VSU or MSU back in 2003...gotten that degree in English or Marketing...but then I would have never been in Chicago in 2003 to meet Mai...or at the open mic that I met Self that led me to meet Spoken then started working with Spoken at the Cypher in Borders then from there walking down the street seeing Self & Spoken in 2007 during the grand opening for Da Book Joint, as I was going to get some honey blonde for my summer hair that led me to working with the Cypher Sessions that eventually became the TakeOver that made me Verl & Toni go over to the Checkerboard trying to promote the TakeOver and then talking to M'reld in the bathroom that eventually led to me working with her that led me to working the door at Gentle Persuasion and over hearing Oj's conversation with Binkey that led me to finding out that Oj was my little brother...that then led him to giving my older brother's information that has led me to an entire other part of my life that I prolly would not have come across if I lived my life on the straight and narrow...you know...like I thought I should have all these years...

Yep...and that was just one of the series of events that have occurred in my life...I know that the domino effect of having altered my life is so far reaching and unbelievable that there are so many moments that I am unwilling to erase for the few moments or possibility of having achieved the so called American dream...instead I like the fact that my life has lead me to meeting my very own Autumn, May, June & July...my own sisters...my version of the Ya-Ya sisterhood if you will...on that straight path I know that I would not have the sisterfriends that have saved me from myself the past 7/8, that have stood beside me and fought for me when I couldn't, that called my mama mama and knew when I couldn't take anymore and offered me there home their futon their keys to sanity I know that they came from me returning to Chicago and searching out my own path...

I look back on the past 26 years-cause those are the ones that I do remember clearly...I know where and when I got off the path of straight and narrow...and while I've spent some time in the forest and darkness searching hurting crying wishing wanting thinking that maybe somehow I could turn back...but I know that I could never be that girl that graduated from MPHS June 1999 prepared to step in the world of corporate organizations...she has been gone from me for several years...and now I know this woman that loves and laughs freely...sits quietly reflecting thinking learning growing loving waiting patiently on the journey...knowing full well that I could never make it on a path that has been drawn out...preferring to take the time and explore the people and world instead....

I cannot wait to see what the next 3 decades will bring...but whatever they are through the tears joys triumphs and pains...I will grow evolve love and be ever so free....

my brain is moving way too much for me....

2010-12-25T00:24:00.003-06:00

some days i sit and think perhaps this love thing is too much actually i know its too much so i've decided to settle only on liking...but something in my soul is resistant...it doesn't want the possibility of pain so it shuts down and stops me from feeling so because now i have this overwhelming urge to kick things into overdrive throw caution to the wind and just dig you fully but i don't know where you stand and i don't have the ability to just stand in and wait so i'm standing in the middle of road thinking that maybe once i'll do something different only i'm not even sure that i can...until i figure it out i'll stand look and hope that when i open my arms you are falling head first into them...

I found God in myself...and loved her...

2010-12-24T22:12:00.003-06:00

So…yesterday I decided I was over having hair…I wanted…no probably needed to shed some skin…well…I did…and it was all over the floor of the barbershop much to the consternation of the lesser tressed sisters in the area…

Its funny though…I saw for the first time just how long and graceful my neck is…I never really paid attention to how long my lashes are ever…and this is w/out the aid of my Smashbox…

I wonder what else I will learn about me in the days to come....

Stay tuned...

my 5th grd creative writing teacher would be so proud...i learned to Free Right.....

2010-12-14T15:27:00.004-06:00

standing in the center of a paradox....complete dominance border lined only by complete dependence somewhere between reality and pure dreams abstract in my thinking...alone in the center of a crowdsomething has been let loose in my soul and its welling inside of me trying to get out while still being held down i dont know what i am feeling cant believe what i am thinking and when i try to speak the words wont fall out only hearing and seeing never actually being something has sprung a leak and im not even certain i want to build a dam to close it up maybe this complete raw emotion is supposed to be just where it is doing doing what it is doing making and compelling me to a little bit more a little better maybe its the feeling coupled with the thinking that causing my overwhelming need to be thats causing this bitter breakup with apathy forcing a feeling that i have little control over made the bridge has been built and i didnt even realize it maybe time has stood still and moved around maybe i am not so full as ready to be filled i am a contradiction of sorts and ive always known that maybe now i can stand in the middle of the crowd alone but not lonely cause ive finally gotten a better idea of me

somehow these are the soundtracks for my today....
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NaNzxniXxYE

Who Gonna Check Me Boo?!?!?!

2010-11-22T21:35:00.006-06:00

Apparently lots of these sistas hanging about Chicago...and their minions too....

While talking to my god sister and we were reviewing a series of events that have taken place over the past few weeks were so many women have decided that they needed to "pull my card" so to speak.

I asked her because she is honest with me...and she's familiar with me and most of the people that I interact with, and she brought something to my attention...I am not supposed to be the person that I am and part of it is because of my body shape and size....

Is this true? I know I end up writing about my weight and size on a regular but I think that as a plus size woman of color in this day and age it unfortunately colors much of my experiences. It is a huge part of everything that I do and say...and I'm not always okay with that but it seems to be a constant and consistent area in my life.

My god sister told me that not only do I have the nerve and audacity to look extremely young, but I definitely am not supposed to be a juicy girl strutting around the world taking no prisoners. But I have to-what other choice do I have? I am working towards world domination and I have no time to sit around and worry about what others are doing...I am trying to get it done and get it all done well...I have too much to do to sit around worried about what others are doing saying or not doing and saying....I mean while others are sitting around evaluating my business acumen and what I am doing in regards to the people I work alongside I'm busy making moves and plans to enhance our lifestyles and move us along to the next part of the plan.

There are a few people that can talk to me and "check" me when its necessary, but those people are close enough to me to have met my mama...have you met my mama? If not....you prolly aren't in a position to tell me about myself....

P.S. my lovely brothers and sisters...here's a few things to note about latrice:
*I am GROWN....next year I will be celebrating my 3rd decade of life....catch that...3rd...not 2nd...
*I am college educated....I attended university with focuses in English(I CAN WRITE BITCHES!!) African American History(So yeah I can wax political about the status of our people) and Latino Studies(Just cause I am diverse)
*I have been exposed to far more culture and history than most of you...and as brilliant as I am I happen to know what Fleur de Lis meant without hitting up babel fish....
*Stepping to Shirley's & Joe's baby girl can be a fatal mistake....I tend to be very venomous when I feel like I am being backed into a corner.....

Anyway....I'm gonna stop this stream of consciousness now before someone mistakes me for being angry when I'm not...but allow this to be a PSA....

YOU ain't gonna check me boo.....

the day I realized I was beautiful...and other realizations....

2010-11-04T13:51:00.004-05:00

The other day as I was folding sweaters at Macy's contemplating jumping over the ledge into the cosmetic department to reduce the amount of boredom overwhelming my life I realized someone was looking at me...wait...not looking but peering...into my soul clearly...I turned and smiled at the customer and only received a heavy eye roll and a huge "bitch please sigh".... I shrugged my shoulders and kept it moving...only to have this scenario repeated at least four more times that day...and then the following day after running down the street to catch the bus cause of course bustracker didn't bother to tell me that the 14 would go from 9 minutes away to "due" in about 17 seconds...I jump onto the bus breathing heavy like a 500 lb boar....I turn and catch eye contact with a sister...I tried to smile through the heavy breathing and only received heavy eye rolls....from two other chicks...
this is the look i get most days from strangers....

As I sat down on the bus I begin to realize these particular heifer's are tall and skinty...prolly have a better chance at becoming a high fashion model then graduating from Harvard..I'm talking pretty gals have been giving me the evil eye...
Now...I know that I'm pretty...you know? but ummmm I'm about 5'1....and ___lbs....and not anything near a fashion model....here's a picture just to prove my point:

yeah...I'm the juicy one on the right....as if I was mahrried...lol! Anyway...I forgot to mention...I've been nappy headed since the 90's...always been a weirdo is what my close family and friends say....but yet I am ALWAYS met with disdain from other women! It was at that moment as I tried to catch my breath I realized..."bitch you is pretty!!" Like that for real unintentional pretty...the kind of pretty that must catch folks off guard or at least make them insecure about their own beauty...and I thought...hmm...that's pretty cool...I mean...how often does one realize that they are pretty enough to make others meet them with immediate anger and irritation?!?!?!?
I often walk into the room and conversations fade...I don't think its cause I'm so fly either...at least I never did before...but ummm...maybe I am?!?! Who knows...

Upon realizing that I am a pretty damn fly chica, I also realized that no matter how much I starve myself...no matter how much hummus and pita I eat...which is my FAVE!!!! I will never ever ever ever ever be a skinty biche! Its not in my future....

Here's why:
I am highly intelligent
My skin is pretty effing flawless
me no make up and prolly no sleep either...

and we already realized that I'm pretty from earlier....
there's a super hooker deep inside my soul that given the opportunity would prolly cause all kinds of problem...
so yeah...with all these factors...among others...I realized I'll prolly never be super skinty...

I mean...imagine me skinty? Yeah I'd be out here all kinds of nekkid...even in the winter time I'd be walking around with pneumonia in the cooter like no joke...hmmm....

dah well....this is my realizations that I've had the past few weeks...cause you know I'm highly evolved and shit....lol....

what have you been realizing?

Its October!!!!!

2010-10-05T07:44:00.005-05:00

Anywhere you look there are boobs EVERYWHERE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Myspace, facebook, twitter, telephones...everywhere....there are boobs....

And I am glad that they are making an appearance we need them to continue to make these appearances as well.

This year marks my mama's second October as a Breast Cancer Survivor and we are taking each step celebrating the victory of her survival. Every three months she goes through a series of tests and exams to ensure that the cancer has not made a reappearance...the last series of appointments we even saw an improvement in her T-Cell count(those are the white blood cells that the body uses to fight to invaders....the basis of antibodies...) that's a great improvement considering that she had the maximum amount of radiation possible for her lifetime therefore she needs as many T-cells as possible to continue to fight the possible cancer toxins as well as any other toxins that may occur.

Now that the Praise Report is out the way....time for the admonishments....

BLACK WOMEN

GET YOUR TITTIES, Breasts, fun bags, mammaries, milk jugs, tatas, and whatever else you call them checked!!!!
We are DYING at disproportionate rates! Though white women have more INCIDENCES of breast cancer, especially over the age of 45, WE are the ones dying almost TWO TO ONE!!!!
Why are we dying?

Because mammograms hurt...well guess what? So does dying!

Because we don't want to know if we do have it....great and you don't mind leaving your family behind either huh?

Because you don't have a family history....well guess what?

About 70-80% of breast cancers occur in women who have no family history of breast cancer. These occur due to genetic abnormalities that happen as a result of the aging process and life in general, rather than inherited mutations. source: http://www.breastcancer.org/symptoms/understand_bc/statistics.jsp

so yeah...you may not have a family history but you can STILL get breast cancer!!!!

Quick story....15 years ago my mama began her crusade to encourage women to have their breasts examined so she began giving away pamphlets and paraphenalia to the women at her job...there were two women they called "the golden girls" they were older white women that decided that they would get their first mammograms because of my mama's encouragement...when they got checked out they found out that they had stage 2 and 3 breast cancer...one was out of work for a year the other for two years...but 15 years later they are both still alive and kicking...why? Cause they got mammograms!!!!
You never know whats going on inside your breasts!!!! If you feel something get it checked out!!! Do not ignore the lumps bumps and bruises!!! They are small tell tale signs that something else may be going on inside!!!

A few quick things to look out for:
Breast cancer typically produces no symptoms when
the tumor is small and most treatable. It is therefore
very important for women to follow recommended
screening guidelines for detecting breast cancer at an
early stage, before symptoms develop. When breast
cancer has grown to a size that can be felt, the most
common physical sign is a painless mass. Sometimes
breast cancer can spread to underarm lymph nodes and
cause a lump or swelling, even before the original breast
tumor is large enough to be felt. Less common signs and
symptoms include breast pain or heaviness; persistent
changes to the breast, such as swelling, thickening, or
redness of the breast’s skin; and nipple abnormalities
such as spontaneous discharge, erosion, inversion, or
tenderness.
http://www.cancer.org/acs/groups/content/@nho/documents/document/f861009final90809pdf.pdf pg 15

Please women...get checked out!!! It is time that WE as Black Women STOP dying from breast cancer!!!!!!
A few resources to get those breasts checked in the event that you don't have health insurance:

http://www.liv.com/free_mammograms.php
http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2003/10/13/earlyshow/series/main577822.shtml
http://www.cdc.gov/cancer/nbccedp/
Atlanta:
http://www.gacancer.com/news/news-detailed.php?NewsID=268
Illinois:
http://cancerscreening.illinois.gov/
http://www.networkofstrength.org/illinois/programs/resources/mammogram.php
New York:
http://www.nyc.gov/html/doh/html/cancer/cancerbreast.shtml
http://www.nysenate.gov/photos/2009/may/08/free-mammograms

For more info:
http://www.cancer.org/Cancer/BreastCancer/index
http://ww5.komen.org/

It is time that we live and grow and thrive!!!!!

Yours in breast squeezing awareness....
Uppity!

September 13, 1996....

2010-09-13T01:30:00.004-05:00

I always greet the death of Tupac Shakur with a complete bittersweet sadness....
It was a great time in music...I was a sophomore in high school...Morgan Park was my haven...It was great...
Friday night...I just got home from doing God knows what when I got the call...Tupac died...I remember running outside crying in my front yard...at this point I had a lifesize poster of Tupac on my wall...several all over the wall and one covering the door...someone that knew someone else knew of my love for Tupac and made sure they got me a couple "pics" for my wall...I was convinced that Pac was going to usher us back into the civil rights movement and I would be one of the freedom fighters...

My cousin Richarde(pronounced Rashad) was a brilliant thug in training...he only joined his gang cause he was tired of fighting them every time he went to school...I forget what happened exactly...he was the one that introduced me to Tupac...he would sit me down and say Lat-rice...this is the music that you need to listen to...this is something that will change your life...the summer he spent on house arrest at my house was one the greatest ever...he would sit in the basement spinning mama's wax...putting me own to even more hip hop then I thought I could ever imagine...he made sure that I knew about more than the BDP's and Native Tongues that I was into...he wanted me to know about harder hip hop as well...it was supremely awesome...he was a brilliant young man, in the right circumstances probably would have resulted in him taking over the world...but this was the life that he was handed....

Richarde always said that his life paralleled Tupac....and I would always say...Richard E...you and Tupac are not parallel in anyway...you wish you were Tupac...

September 7, 1996 Tupac was shot in Vegas....he died September 13, 1996...

September 26, 1997 my cousin Richarde was shot with an exploding halogen bullet...he died October 11, 1997.

Neither of them were supposed to die from the wounds they suffered...they were supposed to survive and continue working to change the world...

I remember September 13, cause I remember my cousin saying that something was going to happen to him...that his live was truly aligned with Tupac...this was before I really recognize my gift of discernment so I remember only being concerned and feeling eerie every time my cousin called with something new happening in his life... September 13, 1996 was a precursor to September 26, 1997...and they were both life changing days for me....

You are sooo.....

2010-08-30T11:27:00.000-05:00

Beautiful...pretty...gorgeous....etc...etc...etc...
These are words that people use to describe me. Daily.
It isn't unusual for a stranger to walk up to me and tell me how pretty or beautiful I am. I hear about the unusual shape of my eyes my high cheekbones the structure of my face everything. I hear it. I'm often complimented on my sense of style. Being told "everyone can't wear that" or "you have a style that's able to make that fly"

This is normal for me. I am not going to fake & pretend that its not normal for me. I am not saying that I'm immune to this, but I do know that I am clearly an attractive person. But. That's as far as it goes for me.

However Saturday night. I was told all about myself. By two strangers. People I have never met or seen before.

After getting my party started at my grammar school reuninon, my cousin & I headed to Beauty Bar up on the northside. We were nice & gone. The pre-drinking was very effective to the point where I knew I couldn't put my heels on and walk across the street, let alone walk in the club & dance.
We walked across the street & came smack dab in front of two of the CUTEST little geigh bois I've ever seen! Lawd they were so cute! And fly lawd they were fly.
They stopped me to tell me how much they loved my jumper. While talking to them I dropped my purse. And because it was my purse I immediately stooped down and grabbed my bag up. Lawd why did I do that?!?

They.
Went.
In.
"You are beautiful!" "We are men and we are supposed to get that!" "Don't you ever do that again." Etc. Etc. Etc.

From there they went on a diatribe about how beautiful I am how I deserve to know how beautiful I am that I shouldn't underestimate my beauty and everything else.
I was amazed and taken aback because a simple act of me dropping & picking up my purse has led them to me and telling me this about myself.

I wished that they were wrong. I went inside the club danced moved and enjoyed the time, but in the back of my mind I continued to hear those two bois telling me all about myself. Reading me.

And I wondered.

Do I disown my beauty?

Do I not understand my beauty?

Have I become immune to the idea that I may actually be beautiful?

I often wonder if I was smaller if there was less of me would I be more receptive to the idea of my beauty?
Like I said before I am told daily that I am beautiful yet it never changes how I respond. I am still amazed. And surprised when people tell me how beautiful I am.

Maybe one day I'll learn to embrace my beauty and walk in this beauty.

Or maybe because of my mental make up I'll never become immune to the shock of knowing or hearing that many people think that I am beautiful....

Dear 50Tyson's Mama....

2010-08-24T01:07:00.000-05:00

If you don't know who 50Tyson is, please by all means google the name, because I simply refuse to hyperlink anything of his to my blog. Gotta keep it a little pure..except his twitter page is http:twitter.com/thereal50tyson cause he clearly got so many imposters....yet again....what in the hell?!?.

Anyway...I am addressing the following note to his mama for all that he has shared w/the world....

Dear 50Tyson's Mama or Grandma that prolly didn't want to raise yet another one of your daughter's chirren, but you are a God-fearing woman steadfast in the glory....

Why would you allow your obviously retarded son to spend time alone in the bathroom w/a camera? Have you not noticed that he spends way too much time in the bathroom alone?
I mean unless he's in there knocking one off, he shouldn't be allowed to be alone in the bathroom for more than 2 minutes at a time. And NEVER w/a camera.
And. Why can't he count? Somewhere between 15,16, &17 something went terribly wrong, I mean there are hundreds of thousands of people that have seen your son/grandson miscount his age?
I think everytime someone clicks on his youtube video or he tweets a little black child & heaven loses their wings...its really unfortunate & mean that you have yet to stop him from this level of fuckery.

And speaking of fuckery....I was originally confused by his moniker until I saw his face. Is there something that 50 cent & Mike Tyson need to share w/us? Cause this boy looks like he may be their love child.
Its kind of unsettling. Ma'am did you happen to mate w/both of those "gentlemen" within a short period of time & now we have a peculiar amalgamation of the two? Because ma'am you've failed us & your son for that mating....

Now that we've outlined your offenses, could you please please see to it that your son is only allowed to use the toilet w/the door open to ensure that he doesn't smuggle a camera in with him?
Also. I'm begging you on behalf of the little African children in heaven, that you disconnect his internet connection, disable his myspace(why does he still have a fucking myspace--unfuckingacceptable!) And disassemble his camera while burning his memory card, for fear that he may attempt to upload supressed files.
And. Could you possibly get him some flash cards? I mean I'm sure my 6 year old nephew has some left over from Pre-K. We gonna need him to count past 16 if he's gonna try his hand at "playing ball".

And while I know we don't need any more black boy's aspiring to play ball...the alternative of him speaking & rapping is far worst.

So please ma'am. We'd appreciate your repairing these infraction IMMEDIATELY!!!

W/love and hope for the future children whose dreams Antonio Davis is killing w/his raps & tweets....

Smooches & Shit

1uppitynegress

Porn Star?!? Not you sir....try again....

2010-08-22T16:17:00.000-05:00

The other night as was the custom, we were having pre poetry conversation before my play mama's weekly open mic.
This week were happened to be talking about Montana *Chippy D* Fishburne & her new porn career...the main discussion centered on whether or not it made sense for Morpheus to disown his daughter in light of her new career.
Well...as we discussed this little skinty "poet" boi comes in. He asks us the topic. We tell him....he says he couldn't judge Monatana cause he's a former porn star himself.

*pause*

*page break*

and all that.

You were a porn star?!? Really?!? For real?!?

Naturally y'all know I went in for this one...he was a porn star?!? But he's all 19-20....porn star?!?
Yeah. I did A movie w/my homies down in ATL....

One. Movie?!? And you're calling yourself a PORNstar?!?!?

Now I ain't all that familiar w/porns...(My formers were more into hood shit & white people's movies are just too damn involved) but a porn star?!?
But I knew enough to know one movie don't make you no gat damn PornStar!!!

Eventually he had to admit, him & his boys were throwing fucking parties, though he called em "swinger parties"--again he's barely out of high school...they were fucking parties...and they made a movie. With some chick that went on to do a movie w/Wesley Pipes.

So yeah. From porn star to dude that had sex on a tape w/a future hoe....

I told him if he was a porn star then I knew a bunch of porn stars....considering the number of my whorish peers that had sex on tape....and they all did it more than once....shout out to one in particular cause in 2000/2001 she did bout 5 flicks w/these dudes....guess she should call herself the next Jenna James or Vanessa Del Rio....

By the time I finished w/the kid he ain't wanna answer any more questions. Maybe next time he won't call himself a porn star...but instead admit he had sex on tape in front of his boys.....or maybe he'll just STFU cause that ain't much better huh?!?

Only in my life....

Have a good week....my mimosa bellini combo is ensuring I do....

*smooches & shit*

hey there good people.....

2010-08-15T08:26:00.001-05:00

Its so funny to me when someone mentions my blog or I get a notification of a comment. I've become so accustomed to tweeting that I often forget that I have this here little ditty here.

Especially when you think about the bloggers that are far more consistent w/their updating. And them folks on tumblr. Lawd. I decided no more new social networks for me. Far too overwhelming.
But every now and again its interesting to have more than 140 characters to speak or think, even though most days I still manage to keep it to the 140 character minimum.

Its funny.

I guess that's become my normal. That's cool.

Spent the past few hours in my mama's bed talking to her.
She's explaining to me that she has decided my preferred existence would be a town w/only men and the women they date. I need to be surrounded & shrouded by my male friends because truly those are the only people that understand me and the only people I understand.
This is like the 3rd or 4th time she's made this comment to me in the past three weeks. I keep trying to dispute her and say "men can be just as dramatic as women" and she says and for that drama that's why you have gay bois. What can I say in response? She's absolutely right.
I guess she's remembering as far back as I can remember my closest or most normal friendships for me were w/boys.
Even the stupid boys that got to middle school & started their dumb ass campaigns against male female friendships she knows that male just mesh better with me. Even though I would rather watch Project Runway & Rachel Zoe, I have no problem going to a sports bar & chilling w/my boys as they watch the game. (I mean let's be for real I'll occasionally watch, but I'll mostly tweet & email...honesty folks....)

Hmph. She is mama. So she does know a lot.

I just wonder if I can get the bffs and their wives to all move to the same remote location.....that way I don't have to be bothered w/outside women folks til I decide I wanna be bothered....
Even more than that...I wonder if the future Uppity Negro will adjust to this lifestyle?!?!?

Guess I need to get back in Uppity Mama's bed in a few weeks and find out....

Nice. Chatting it up w/ y'all...I need to go and start getting ready...there's mucho to do in Chicago today & I need to be a part of it all....

Ciao Bellas & Beaus

Busy days, Blogalicious, Nikki B & My Life as we know it.....

2010-06-14T08:36:00.000-05:00

Someone invited Monday morning to the party and I didn't give my consent!
Wow....this weekend was extremely short and I'm thinking a do over would be nice.....or at least an extension?!? Yeah? Maybe?

My life is a series planned randomness....

Spent Sunday running around w/the BFF/founder of Nikki B boutique (http;//NikkiBBoutique.bigcartel.com or www.facebook.com/NikkiBBoutiqu dope handmade earrings & hair accessories) and trying to show her how blogging & tweeting can assist her business...
Along the way we had the pleasure of meeting the awesome ladies of Blogalicious!! What a great event they had at the Kenmore Studios(678 N. Wells---DOPE space!! Know that!!)
The ladies of blogalicious(I'm not saying their names only because I respect the correct spelling & do not wish to butcher & destroy their names!!!) afforded me an opportunity to meet & reconnect w/some of the awesome bloggers of the city. Great time w/great people.
I'm definitely about to subscribe to their blog as well...and you should too http://www.mamalaw.com sorry for the lack of hyperlinking....I'm blogging from the blackberry and some things will be lost in my translation....
Anyway after spending time at a great blogging event, I rushed the BFF to my nexy event, a spoken word event we do bi-weekly on Sundays "Speak Easy Sundays" over at the Brown Sugar Cafe. The bff wanted to know when the evening would end. I told her that she'd see the bed far sooner than I would.

She was amazed at the speed at which I lived my life. Rushing from one event to another....I told her you can't keep your ear to the street if you ain't out there spinning and making the wheels turn....
Dah welll....it always throws me off when someone new runs with me for a today. I never realize that my life is overwhelming for some...and too damn much for others....but....I like to maximize every opportunity. And if there's some place I can expose the people I work for & with to someone else....why not take that chance?

Gotta go, my stop coming up on the train and imk running late to class already!

See ya later....
Make sure you all check the above mentioned sites....they're all awesome....

oh yeah....

2010-05-31T03:24:00.000-05:00

Anyone that has successfully completed Chemistry in college for a life science major shoot me an email of your schedule for the fall.

I'm gonna need some tutoring.

My math is gonna require some help too.

I want to stay on the Dean's List & isht.

Okay

Night

(And its quiet outside finally & I can go to sleep.)

I am TERRIFIED of lightning!!!

2010-05-31T03:11:00.000-05:00

That's right. I'm __ years old and I am scared literally out of my mind of lightning. Its the worst thing that you can do to me. Make me sit through a lightning storm and watch me cry!

Tonight as we were coming in from the club, my cousin & I were riding & talking discussing his future Mrs. and his deal breakers...we were doing well...
made it down lake shore drive, it was a few bolts, but nothing to Really scare anyone(except me, but I was sufficiently tipsy enough to ignore it kind of) We get off the drive and hit 67th & it was like a friggin light show.
It was terrible awful horrible and frightening, but my cousin's homie was with us so I was trying to front like I wasn't scared, til we pulled up in front of dude's house & the bolts started coming back to back to back. I tried to tweet & fb to take my mind off the lightning show,
until we got in front of my house and I was crouched in the corner of my cousin's car starting to bawl like a baby!!!!!!!
I wanted it to stop. It wouldn't. So I stayed in the corner. Til my cousin offered to walk me in the house.
I ran out that car like it was someone chasing me....
But the funny thing is, I am fine walking in my neighborhood at night, I'm not scared to venture off across the city into unknown neighborhoods. If there's a roadtrip & you need a passenger, call me long as I'm out of school and off work, I'm there
Failure doesn't scare me. Marriage doesn't scare me.

But a bolt of lightning?!?!? I'm ready to dive under the bed til it stops.
I ain't lying one night because there are sooo many windows in my house, I literally slept on the living room floor to avoid walking past the front door(that has two windows) up the stairs(two More windows) past the bathroom(a picture window) into my bed room(with a window that takes up half an entire wall!!!)

So yeah. My cousin saw me cry for the 1st time I think ever or at least in two or three years.

And I made him stay & talk to me til the lightning stopped....why?!?
Because othwerwise this post wouldve come from underneath the living room table tomorrow morning when I woke up.

2010-05-18T16:16:00.000-05:00

He claimed me heartless for not missing him the way he missed me...

After hearing this repeated several times

I quietly replied I can't continue to miss you once I've suffered a broken heart....

Heartless?!?!?
Definitely not me.

I just realized....

2010-05-17T22:34:00.003-05:00

it wasn't until I started writing the chronicles of my life on mini me's tumblr that I realized so much of my experiences are based on sexual activities....

And there's no guarantee that it's going to change either....

oh well...

anyway...sweet dreams and good nights...I'll be having them...or something close...

...so maybe being a bitch ain't such a bad thing...

2010-05-11T15:49:00.002-05:00

I am organized chaos personified....
like if something happened to me and my family had to go through my paperwork they would be horribly confused and probably more than a little angry at my "system". I understand this. I also know that if you need some paperwork from me, give me about an hour and I will have that file for available for your perusal. I still have copies of my papers from my very first foray into academia at the collegiate level. I keep everything of that sort because one never knows when it will become necessary to retrieve that paperwork.

To that end, I am also hyper professional and conduct business in like manner...I believe that everything should be done properly...minimum input maximum output...DO it right the first time...all of those cliched principles are thoughts I dwell on and live by daily. I figure there should always be a system of organization put into place to avoid having to redo things. I also think that when you have some sort of system in place, you HAVE to account for the possibility of things going awry.

You can be my very best friend, but I will separate the business interactions from the personal. It is necessary. People often times think that I am mean or abrupt because I like to get the business done then move into the other parts of life.

Because I am like this, I will fight tooth and nail for what I believe to be positive business practices...My artist I work with always calls me the pitbull when it comes to getting things taken care of properly...My friends simply say that I am a bitch when its time to get projects and work done...me I say that I am efficient.

Recently I was put in a situation where I began to second guess myself I worried that I was far to impatient and perhaps expected more of people than I should. Perhaps it was wrong for me to think there should have been a measurement of efficacy and a system of checks and blalances. In both situations I had to escalate the situation to a higher level, one being the Dean of Student Affairs and the other to the District Office of Financial Aid, in both situations because of my escalation of the issues, it proved not only beneficial to me, it proved to benefit other students around me as well. Initially in both situations I thought, perhaps I reacted too strongly, maybe I should not have expected these people to react in a more cognizant proactive manner, until it came time for resolution and it was revealed, had I not escalated the situations to these levels, then it would not have received the attention that it needed to receive to be resolved correctly.

In the end, I got the grade that I deserved in the course and I will receive the funding that is necessary for my coursework. As will about 5 other students in my class and at least 30 students in the district. I realized I am the person that shakes the tree cause otherwise it wouldn't move and things would not get done.
Perhaps I am abrupt and maybe even a bitch, but when you have me on your team rest assured you will get paid and things will be done...

The Stories the Penis Tells.....

2010-05-10T17:52:00.004-05:00

Just stopping to drop a link to some other foolishness and fuckery I am a part of...

Penis Tells: i'm not a sucker, so why am i covered in spit???
Have you ever had someone to kiss you it was so bad that you ended up thinking…hey this spit swapping thing ain’t for me? No? Just me huh? I had an ex that would kiss me and I swear for..

Read enjoy....give suggestions if you will....or not...live....

so i was supposed to be...

2010-05-03T13:41:00.004-05:00

finishing up these last two chapters of my biology homework...I also have a couple of self quizzes that I need to take by wednesday...and since I'm at home today...why not do it now right? Only I received a text message of some information that required me to go to my home girl's website for her upcoming nuptials...so then I went to the website and I heard the song "Closer" by Goapele...

And then...my mind froze...indefinitely...and now I feel the need to read and write this here as opposed to completing the assignments that I obviously need to complete because I am totally in love with that song as well as the possibilities that the song implies. Its amazing that I am such a sucker for certain songs and even some movies, but with interactions I am completely emotionless and indifferent.

Oh well...that's enough for me...I'm done I'm gonna go and possibly complete another chapter or two of homework and stuff...eventually I will probably be back here or on Rae's tumblr writing...

and listening to #11 on repeat...New Amerykah pt 2....avoiding Goapele completely for the promise of eventual sanity...and peace...

2010-05-03T00:45:00.003-05:00

There are a lot of sensitive folks around me...like A LOT!

I have to admit that I'm kinda over them. Like you don't get to be the gangsta bitch or thug dude, and then get all sensitive when I actually answer and treat you like the super tough biatch that you claim to be. Don't be mad kid...when you have them unnecessary feelings on ya shoulders and forearms then I kinda have to look at you like O_O

So I'm putting folks on notice...I ain't mad...nor do I actually care...I'm just saying...grow your game up...or not...just don't be asking me questions or putting me in a position that will cause me to have to be perfectly honest if you don't wanna have that honesty...

Stop being a punk...it ain't cute...

2010-04-28T00:00:00.001-05:00

I live in a world of metaphors...
similes line my street...
I sleep w/prose each night as I dream of days w/poetry...
I fell in love w/alliteration walking along the shores...
Writing words is what keeps me sane...
I'll never cheat on my journal,
...except maybe w/a blog...
there are days I dream in diction...
wondering if I can turn the words off...

matters of the heart...are never simple....

2010-04-24T21:33:00.000-05:00

How much easier this good bye would be if only I could manage to hate you

Despise you

Stop wondering if instead I do actually love you

I wish that my feelings for you were flimsy plastic palleable into something...nothing...

That's what I wish I wish I felt nothing for you then I could walk away without a second thought

I could say no to your calls & ignore your texts...

Because I'm somewhere halfway between love & like I'm not able to walk away...instead I'm standing in this door way, one foot in one out, and I'm not sure which way I should go...

If I move ahead and walk away what am I leaving behind, but if I stay after you've hurt me so deeply what am I saying to you? Hurt me as much as you'd like because my love for you outweighs my common sense?

How much easier it would be if you simply made me hate you despise you...then I'd know which way to go...but because I'm somehwere between like & love I'm standing here missing you and I've not even walked away....

2010-04-22T03:27:00.000-05:00

falling in like is the halfway point to love...

And just for today I wanna like you

real hard

real slow

real smooth

I really just wanna like

On

You....

I had something in my spirit...I'm gonna just let it loose....

2010-04-21T13:42:00.002-05:00

I am the stable one in my friendships....I am the one that everyone seeks to talk to about their problems...not because I am a social worker or that I am particularly well versed in this journey called life. But because I listen objectively and answer with the most honesty that I can muster.
Some days I find myself holding my tongue because I know that the person isn't really capable of receiving the complete honesty that I have to offer and I don't do well with bullshitting people so instead I remain silent.
This was a fairly easy thing til I lost my mind earlier this year...yep I have gone stone cold insane...I don't know how else to describe it...I lost it...I have been the listening center for far too many people and now I am slowly receding from that role...
I don't have the energy to be listen to everything that is going on in your life, especially when you have the tools to change things...I am no longer capable of sitting around and listening to the bull shit, doing the bull shit review or anything else. If you are an adult and can't make basic decisions to make yourself happier, what the hell will my listening to you complain do? Especially when you know the source of your discomfort? Nope I will not be that emotional dumping ground.
So if you notice that I'm not as available or not answering your calls...or texts...or instant messages...its not personal. I am just reserving the right to my own sanity. I deserve to dwell in my own kind of peace. Nothing against you, but your lack of emotional or mental progress has been impeding my own and well...honestly I can't deal any longer....

Two Fingers and an Honest Salute...

I'm a vapor....

Good Mawning My Loves.....

2010-04-04T22:18:00.000-05:00

Good Mawning my loves...hoping these words reaching you all ever so well....
Its been a while...I'm sure there's a few cobwebs in the corner....but I'm here...
Just wanted to take some time to shine some beauty in y'all lives.
Spread a smile a wide hello....
Its spring in Chicago...
Its time that I shake my hips...twirl around & stare the sun in its eyes & say hello my love...

I've shaken loose my skin and I'm feeling mighty fly...
Hopefully you all are feeling the same....

Good Mawning my loves...I'm still yawning a bit, but I'm ready to start a new day....

Please Google:

2010-01-26T12:25:00.002-06:00

Laura Bush African American History Museum.

Then discuss among your peers your thoughts.

See where we went wrong.

Think about how we can get things back on course.

Oh yeah if you live in Chicago and take public transportation and have a complaint, instead of contacting CTA @ 1-888-YourCTA try sending an email to the following people:
CTA Board of Directors:
terrypeterson@corp.transitchicago.com,
terry.peterson@corp.transitchicago.com,
Richard.L.Rodriguez@corp.transitchicago.com,
RichardLRodriguez@corp.transitchicago.com,
glonghini@transitchicago.com,
John.Bouman@transitchicago.com,
JohnBouman@corp.transitchicago.com,
John.Bouman@corp.transitchicago.com,
Katie.McClain@transitchicago.com,
KatieMcClain@corp.transitchicago.com,
Katie.McClain@corp.transitchicago.com
tmintle@transitchicago.com,
Henry.Chandler@corp.transitchicago.com,
Charles.Robinson@corp.transitchicago.com,
Alejandro.Silva@corp.transitchicago.com

as well as:
Chief Operating Officer
jeannette.martin@corp.transitchicago.com,
jeannettemartin@corp.transitchicago.com

Stop complaining to one another and start complaining to people that can make a damn difference!

Mid day musings & shit....

2010-01-23T11:18:00.000-06:00

Heyyyyyy now!!! Its mid January! We've started and headed full throttle into this here 2010 thang!
Though the first few days were hard with my uncle's sudden passing and then me being sick, its been a pretty good go thus far.
At one point I seriously considered doing the old maiden thing, and saying eff it let's go quickly and speedily
into them Dirty Thirties....but I decided why? Let's make this thang last. These last two years as a sexy twenty something are gonna work for me.
I've enrolled back in school, Yes Lawd! I always feel my best when I'm in school. Prolly has much to do with me being a nerd much of my life. But anyway
I'm taking this school thing in stride, I'm still trying to figure out a way to move east and only pay $80 per credit hour....I'm open to suggestions. Let me know.
Hook ya girl up----put me on GAME!!!
Because of the school I'm attending is super hood, I'd suggest if you don't already you get you a twitter account so I can regale you w/updates of the various rainbow hues
of hair that will surely match equally bright & offending clothing....not to forget the ever so colorful butchering of the language we speak in these parts...you know that bogus ass
Southern Chicago south side dialect. It'll be lots of fun I'm sure!

I've also decided that I'm not going to push folks(MEN-brethren-eye candy) away cause I'm planning to leave Chicago whenever the opportunity is available.
I'm not longer worrying about how long these things are going to last. If
its just a series of great if heavily veiled & sexually undertoned conversations then so be it. I need to work on my flirting anyway. Shoot during my time of sitting on the sidelines
I've dulled my skills, and I used to be an awesome flirt---batting eyelashes, pursing lips, licking lips....all that stuff....so....yeah time to get back in the game.

All in all I'm sure that this will be a pretty awesome year. Making traveling plans. Getting ready to enjoy my return to school....
Continuing this joy of being 28 passing for 23....and all that jazz...
Happy Happy Joy Joy....let's enjoy this thing....

Now that that's done....

2010-01-07T17:32:00.003-06:00

Wheeeewwwwww!!!!!!

I didn't think I was going to make it through that one yall!!!

2009 was a dirty b*tch to the kid!!

Buuuuuuuuuuutttttttt............

I ran her and made it!!!!!

It's amazing when you think about what can break you...and what keeps you going...there were many years before and I said..."ooh that was a tough one...ohhh that was hard..." but then nothing was like this past year...

Never ever ever thought I would have to walk alongside my mama as she fought cancer. That one...I definitely didn't know where to turn during that time..But I learned who supported me, and who was only down on the surface...and no judgments, you just ain't my friend. No need to be mad to be bitter....just am...

That's the next thing. I said good bye to a lot of failed friendships last year. Nothing wrong with outgrowing people...hell we shed and get new skin darn near daily...it's just hard when neither wants to admit that we're no longer bringing out the best in the person...and we no longer like the person that we are seeing...that's when its difficult...but necessary to deuce them and move along...

By that same token though...I have rekindled some AWESOME associations from High school...Whoa!!! Like there are some people that I find it necessary to communicate with on a semi-daily basis...like where have you been for the past 10 years? And how did I miss out on the greatness that is our friendship? I LOVE you man!!!!

I made some hard decisions regarding myself and relationships...I finally stood my ground and didn't allow myself to become an unwilling partner in something that I saw had no future for me...I didn't just go with the flow and then look back three years later like huh?
At the same time I discovered that I am more than willing to be in an open honest relationship...something that meaningful and rewarding...I realized that it is okay for me to be open to the relationship without seeming needy or desperate.
I also learned that in order to get into that relationship I must open myself and align myself with like minded people...growth....

So last year was one that included a lot of growing...I'm not done...
And hopefully next year we'll get to see further progression and growth...and lots of fun while doing it!

Ummm

2010-01-07T17:22:00.002-06:00

If what I eat don't make you shit....why you staying on my plate?

I just don't understand why people stay in other people's lives if they don't like em? I've released folks that don't make me grow...why you keeping them? I mean shit! You don't have to feed them why you keep they names on your lips? I'm saying...this is crazy! You grown...stop acting like you ain't!

Also...if you ain't willing to work and make shit happen...fuck make you think that you deserve reaping off other nigga's sowing? G, when the last time you got out there hit the pavement and made shit happen? And you think that you gone get a piece of my pie? Naw boo! I won't be the one...

This is the new decade...new generation...I didn't come this far to let anyone swing on my back...I had to climb these trees...so take your turn put in your work and then you can climb up alongside me....

writing words thoughts evolving and all that shit....

2009-11-30T23:50:00.003-06:00

if you are my twitter or FB friend you'll have already heard that my family suffered a loss on yesterday(Sunday)morning. The mother of my awesome brother in law, Alida, passed in her sleep between Saturday night and Sunday morning...Even though she was my sister's mother in law, she was still an awesome part of our family, and the sense of loss that I feel regarding her death is still somewhat overwhelming...I mean we all were pretty close, we spent holiday, birthdays and just random days together. I don't know how the family gatherings will go without her being there with her quick wit and humor. She was good for those one liners that'll have you turning around like "What the Hell?!!?" She was a genuinely kind person...she was always there to assist my sister and Eric if there was something that needed to be done, she spoiled my niece and nephews to no end...and she would not hesitate to call us if there was something going on...and my mother would call her...We were a family for the past 13 years and I'm soo sad that she's gone...I don't often dream, but last night I dreamt for the first time in several weeks, and they all involved her. I am hoping that it's just her spirit transitioning and that she is now at peace. And no she wasn't ill, not in a way that would take her life, she had things going on, but nothing that would cause any of us to think too hard about it. I was just talking to my sister about her, and her cooking on Friday, while I was on my break. We were both saying that she needed to rest a bit more, cause she was feeling a little sick, and that this was the first Thanksgiving in like a million years that they weren't in Florida enjoying nice sun, as we all suffered with the cold. She would usually cook for them this weekend, and I know that my babies were looking forward to that. Now....

Now...I'm just praying for peace for not only me and my mama, but for my brother-he's not an in law in any way...I have to admit that...for Gina, for Kenny, for Kari, and for last but heaven knows not least, Big Ken, who found his wife of 30+ years on Sunday morning...
I ask that you all send out a prayer for our family too...Death is hard..and it's even worse when there's been no preparation for it...
So we ask of you this....

It seems that I have been more able to write thoughts than speak them. I know that I am a writer, something that I've never admitted and when working and living and breathing around the awesome writers that are in my life...it's sometimes difficult to use the words that I am given. Sometimes I supress my words for fear that they won't stand up against theirs, then there are times like this when there are no spoken words that could accurately express what I am feeling...I haven't formulated the sentences...only a few fragments...when written they make far more sense then anything that I could speak...it is then that I remember why I slept for years with a pen and a notepad, not always to write someone off...but sometimes to just write out what I'm thinking...what I'm feeling...what I am either incapable or refusing to say...

Then I write...I write until my fingers feel as though they are gonna bleed forever, until my head feels like an empty cavity...I write for survival...when you feel everything and around you the way that I do...you have to do something that quiets your spirit and brings about some kinda of peace...I haven't any other outlet...my friends love me...but they don't know how to receive my emotional state...my family adores me...but understanding is something they're incapable of right now...if I had a boyfriend, I'd push him away before it become to much simply because how can someone understand the level of hyper sensitivity that I am experiencing these days? So I write...and I write...and sometimes I blog to express...and to release...and to grow...and to maintain sanity...

accepting new boo submissions:

2009-11-23T11:53:00.000-06:00

I wrote an entire blog. Pressed post. Then diva got to acting sideways about herself so now--repost I must. In an attempt to open submissions for the winter time boo.
There are very people that openly admit they are simply seeking a winter boo-not a relationship. But I am. I am seeking a boothang to keep me warm & entertained during the cold months. Its very important that all submitters understand that I am not seeking a boyfriend or significant other for this time. I don't think I am in the correct place to look for that right now- I'm working going to school and come January I'll be going to two different schools while still attempting employment. So I need someone to be available during the weeks I'm out of class or the afternoons I'm off work. You know? I want the boothang to understand we will not even entertain conversations for more until the proper amount of time has passed; and that shalll be determined when that time has come-not when you or I have decided alone, but when we have come together & decided that time has arrived. And boothang of the future know now if you are the type to give ultimatums or threats or leaving, it will prolly result in conversation and my removing my belongings from your abode. But we'll deal with that more if or when the time comes.
So let's get to it, things my boothang must possess:
-He's gotta be male naturally born as such. I like peen- so I need that be a nature made situation.
-gotta have hair. I love to play in hair, if you don't have hair, you must keep fresh haircuts that I may play with the back of your neck.
-i need you to be intelligent a quick wit, play with words engage my mind and you're more than halfway to the point honestly.
-gainfully employed or receiving unemployment already. Not so that you can shower me in gifts, but so that you can be who you need to as a man. I don't need you resenting me everytime I get paid.
-a secure network of friends enemies or whatever- you need to be able to keep busy when I am busy which is very often now and even moreso at the beginning of the year.
-enlightened enough to know you won't "convert" me to your religion, eating habits or anything else. I love Jesus and I don't eat it if it walked the ground. Got it?

I know this may seem like a lot for a winter boo thang but I have to get the preliminaries out of the way. I can't be bothered with going back over topics that were discussed previously. And I want to be sure that we're on the same page. Kay?
There are of course other things like being attractive, I prefer brown, but I'm opening myself to other possibilities. You gotta be able to handle my cynical dry humor, understand my time restraints and such.

I'm definitely interested in seeing what will happen as a result of my boothang opening-especially since I'm finding people read and conclude about my blogs without always commenting. Or better yet get mad at me and throw them back in my face-oh well. Anyway. Boothangs let's explore and have a great wintertime friendship. Never know you may even be around long enough to celebrate my 25th birthday with me in October...

Smooches

....

2009-11-17T14:12:00.000-06:00

It amazes me...that in my 28 years and my only 8 years of being in serious relationships I've managed to continuously align myself with people I am not capabe of loving the way that they need to be loved. I am a commitphobe is prolly something I should point out first. I cannot committ. I'm scared. I've lost myself once and the idea terrifies me of doing it again. My best friend is currently lost in a relationship that she doesn't even know how she got in....I've seen women do many things in a relationship that they swore they'd never do- I've done things in that one relationship I swore I'd never do-and haven't since then either. When you totally immerse yourself into a relationship you are saying I am willing to be hurt humiliated and a load of other things logical people don't intentionally do to themselves. Have I missed opportunities for this? Yes. I know I have. But I don't know how to stop it. I think that God is trying to teach me a lesson though, honestly cause I promise you all I keep matching up with are dudes that require you to completely align yourself with them wholly and completely. I don't have that ability. Not right now. Maybe never. Maybe I should start adjusting to cats, so that I'll be ready to get me a litter cause obviously I'm gonna be alone for awhile. Maybe forever. I don't know. Maybe I'll find a guy that's as indifferent as I am and can accept that I don't know how to love kinda, but not completely. I'm the chick that doesn't know how to move beyong treading lightly, but not completely plunging. I stay on the fringes, not because I do not know how to be inside, but I don't wish to be completely involved. Don't wish to be noticed. Don't want that responsibility.
The fringes are where I'm comfortable-where I want to be.

But I'm slowly learning about moving from the sidelines. I'm learning that perhaps that's not what love is.
That the passion I had, that when he would walk in the room when he would say my name when he would hug me- I know that even though I refused & he refused to use the words that traditionally expressed love- I knew that he loved me. I knew that he adored me. And that he loves me still and I love him. I know that words are never indicative of what true feelings are-that often words have nothing to do with the pure fury of love. I am learning that I can't expect everyone to be like him, to love like he did, that I can't keep pushing people away because they don't understand the way that he did that I don't always use words, but maybe cooking you a meal, cause I know you haven't eaten all day, or listening to you talk about a game I'll never ever play, maybe that's how I love without being hurt. Without expectation, cause expectation fall short of reality-cause the fantasy is always always better than the fantasy. And I don't want that to happen not again....

I have no idea.
But after you've had a great love, a passion that you can't control, where you can't calculate the next move cause you have no idea where it'll take you--when you forget that you've ever been in a relationship before cause this relationhsip blows your mind beyond belief...
Maybe you'll learn that sometimes complete submission is a hard thing.

People often say that you're supposed to- I don't know. Sometimes I think maybe you don't. Sometimes I think you meet too soon, before you all are ready to honestly be together and that's why it doesn't work out. Meeting him when he is still fresh new & not jaded and you've lived a life done things that you may never tell anyone-when he's still ready to plunge, but you know that swift paces lead to pain & hurt--but you know that if you met then 6 years later that you wouldve not just been with him. But prolly gave him your heart....yeah it was way too soon.

Its amazing that an open blog gives you the feeling that you can share more than you'd probably share with your closest friends.

But here, I can't see or hear you judging me. And here I really don't even give a damn. This allows me to be the purest me that I am capable of being...and I really like that.

One of those days.....

2009-11-16T22:18:00.002-06:00

one of those days....
like one of those day when everything has gone sooo wrong that you start to remember things in different ways...
like i start to remember the days that i leave work, go to his house sit and moan about the day that i've had.
lay down in his arms, sleep the anger and irritation away
i remember that he loved me and we cared for me so much
remember the days of him waking me up with breakfast
never forgetting the day that he went to store and got me four different breakfast cereals, and made me three different breakfasts just cause you weren't sure of what i wanted to eat...
keeping in mind the many times that you made me shrimp and broccoli to ensure that i ate a decent meal for once...
yeah I remember that instead of the slamming doors, screaming matches, and crying myself to sleep
So tired that I forget that I couldn't talk to you for a year without breaking into tears,
so frustrated that i forget that we spent majority of our time making up instead of being together...
right now my heart is yearning for you...
the you that didn't hurt me
the you that didn't make me cry
i am wishing and crying my heart out for us...
instead i'm sitting here allowing these tears to fall because three years and three dudes later i've still not replaced you...

and i still can't talk to you
lest i be back at the beginning
of loving only
you.....

oh yeah

2009-11-15T20:38:00.000-06:00

I deactivated my facebook page...soooo email me @ 1uppity.negress@gmail.com or call me...when you email me I will give you my number...I wanna keep up with yall...I'm just doing me a while...getting off the comp in the process...

baby i'm back!!!

2009-11-15T20:13:00.002-06:00

I don't blog as regularly as I once did because of the amount of time that I spend on twitter...then in addition to that I was pursuing a relationship type thing....
Believe me ladies
don't allow yourself to be moved into something that you are not really interested in-in the end you will either hurt or be hurt, and really we that's not the point of relationships is it?
This weekend I took a stand and made a hard choice:
He wanted more than I am capable of giving right now, I'm grinding I'm trying to make sure that I get my stuff together, so a real relationship is just too much for me right now...honestly...I knew that...but he wanted that...and so I said I'd try...when actually I knew that I couldn't I knew that wasn't where my head was, felt kinda silly though since most women are looking for a guy to come in and be in a relationship with them, why am I running away? Cause I knew that relationship wasn't the relationship for me....even if he ain't awful, he ain't mine...you know? hope you do...cause you may be settling for a relationship that sucks too!

But not only was I not ready for a relationship, he wasn't ready for a relationship with me...I mean if you read my previous blogs you know that I'm a very complex individual...I don't hide my complexities either....I dont think that its fair for me to lie about who I am...I need to tell you that upfront exactly the person that I am and that I require so much more than the other chicks you may encounter so that you have a choice to be with me or not...ya know? And he thought that he could handle me...but I don't think he could, he didn't really know how to, and because I wasn't interested in being in a relationship, I wasn't trying to force it on him either...but if I don't want it and you aren't emotionally there for me? what can I do? Can't make him become what I need, especially when I know that I don't even want that right now...

Sooo where am I headed now? I'm waiting to get an interview date from the New York, wanting that to come through without a doubt...but if it doesn't happen, I'm starting back into a program in January...so serious about it that I'm even transferring credits...that's not a normal thing for me, I usually just say fuck it let's go....I am really submerging myself into whatever it is that I will be doing come January, if it's moving then that, if its school I'm doing that...I'm back on my health plan...90 more pounds by my birthday next year...It's just under a year, so I know that I can do it...I've stopped cutting my hair, like a complete regrowth I guess....
I hope that I don't miss too many important moments in anyone's life while I'm making this change, but know that you can always find me @ http://twitter.com/1uppitynegress
but I will be blogging more again, maybe even some fashion exploits...trying to get it altogether keeping it funky in the process...
I love y'all for still reading my words...hopefully you can see some growth in my struggles, cause I think that I am seeing them...
taking steps to not be angry...not be evil...and all that...I'm growing yall...

and for once...

it don't hurt as much...

maybe this skin shedding has ended and now I'm just adjusting to being...

maybe?

night time gives way to heavy thoughts...

2009-09-29T23:26:00.000-05:00

I have no idea why I'm up writing this. I've taken Benadryl and drank chamomille tea. Sleep should be on the horizon right?
But for some reason I'm instead up thinking about the fact that I hope I am not sabatoging this new situation cause I'm not the best at real relationships. I'm better at pretending we're not together and spending time with a person but knowing full well it'll never progress into anything do therefore there's no need to invest time & thought into it. However this time I know that there is some actual potential longevity in this situation. I am realizing its not a let whatever happen type thing. This was made glaringly clear when I told him it was no need for me to make a strong committment to him when I am planning to leave within 6 months and move across the country, and he came to me a few days later saying that he isn't all that into Chicago either. Saying that he wouldn't be opposed to leaving at the same time and going with me. Kinda stumped me. I mean for real? I've had "situations" that have spanned half a decade and no man said he'd move across the country to be with me...
Damn.
Then today my cousin calls and says that my other cousin is missing. My G-Ma wanted to know if I'd spoken with her. Nope. Hell, a year ago the idiot told me & my sister she ain't even know our names. Clearly I hadn't spoken with this kid.
Then an hour later I get a call from him. Bad news. Not devastating but definitely life changing for him. Or potentially so....and he needs me. Soon as I finish this job search thing I'm doing I'm gonna throw on some clothes and go see him. Right after I finish dinner.
Then G-Ma calls. Damn. She has some worry in her voice I haven't heard in a while. Hmmm what has happened now? I find out baby goof hasn't been seen in a week. Damn. No one has seen her. There's been sightings but no one's seen her from our family. My G-Ma sounds more concerned and I think this ain't just her running away for a day or two. Its been seven. Now I have to wait around try to let someone know that she's missing, cause my immediate family doesn't know.
He still needs me.
My family needs me too.
I choose my family, maybe if I send out a few emails, maybe if I put up a post or two. Maybe then my granny won't have to say "well we just hoping she still alive" no more.
But he still needs me too. And now I'm too exhausted to leave out and I need to get ready for class, and I know he just wants my presence to say it'll be okay, but how can I say it'll be okay when my favorite uncle's daughter is out in the wind. And we know all too well what the streets can do. We have enough recovered addicts in the family to run a recovery center. We all saw the signs. We warned her mother. But what could she do, cause I believe until 3 years ago she was still mourning my uncle. See he went to sleep one night in August 1997, and never woke up again. She was left alone with a 2 year old and 5 year old. She wasn't ready to raise them alone, so she didn't raise them at all. The boy we were finally able to save him, but spending time trying to make sure he didn't end up in a gang, end up selling drugs, end up doing drugs, we forgot about her. She was busy sneaking around getting into shit. Getting high, fucking grown men we found out....and now now we can't find her, but really how long has she been lost? I'm guessing its been far longer than the 7 days she's been gone from her mama's house.

And he still needs me.

But tomorrow I got soo much shit to do.

And I'm trying real damn hard not to make him think that I'm not available to him.

Damn

This a fucked up time to start a new relationship.

But I did.
So I'll have to figure out a way to make sure I see him, cause he needs me, and I need to ne there just to sip tea, eat tortilla chips, and fall asleep while he's explaining things to me, and just make him know that even though this shit sucks today....its gonna be more than just okay...

I'm feeling the Benadryl. Maybe I just needed to purge...don't do that like I used to...I need to stop ignoring my words, they give me life breathe & understanding.

Peace fam...

Hey Yall

2009-09-21T23:19:00.001-05:00

I haven't posted since the day before forever ago right? Wow. So much has happened I'm not sure where I should begin. Of course we know I'm not talking to the young'un in anyway anymore...matter fact saw him bout a month ago, made it extremely clear that we didn't even need to be friends...not like we really were in the first place right? Lol! 'Xactly!

I am currently fighting to continue to receive my $$ from the gov't as I am now a ward of the state. I am really hoping that I get my benefits by next week....I have birthday coming up, and ya girl needs new hair & new clothes!

Speaking of new....yep there is a new him in the trenches. I'm not sure how far its going, but I'm doing a way better job of taking it one day at a time and keeping it easy! I'm making sure that I let it flow...but of course I have my reservations...I've never started a new relationship/situation without being on some what equal footing...and I'm not there,he's working doing his thing, I'm not. I'm back in school, looking for work, still trying to maintain my image as a fashionista as well as urban socialite...and I'm #failing at that cause I'm spending sooo much time w/him....but yeah...still not sure.

And I'm feeling really co-dependent, as I'm not only dealing with the work crap, we're still taking it day by day with my mama, who incidentally had a really bad day today and prolly part of the driving force behind me writing today....

I don't know y'all. I'm still flying free in the wind.
Taking it day by day.

Started school in Health Information Management. Its a way to make $$ while trying to take over thefashion world.

Speaking of said fashion world, I had an audition today...not sure how its going to work, but I'm going to definitely try to work it!

Speaking of working it-ANYONE that know about paid juicy girl gigs hit me up, I'm more than up for the challenge!!

Okay....that's all.
I'm gonna do better, I'll stop microblogging on twitter(1uppitynegress if you're looking) and really get back on here.
I'll have to talk to the new Him and find out if its okay to blog about him (even though we know that I prolly will though regardless)
Talk to y'all soon.

Oh and if you don't like my blog, cause it ain't professional or whatever enough....fuck ya...I'm here letting loose thoughts, not seeking your approval...

Questions: A Series

2009-06-02T08:02:00.000-05:00

I have questions that I often ask over on my twitter page, sometime I receive responses, but many times I receive other questions in return. As a result of this phenomena, I am now starting a new series called questions. I can't say how often I'll update, prolly depends upon the fcukery I encounter that week. But enough of that here are my questions:

*Who the hell gave these dumb ass teenagers music phone and what the hell made the dumb as teenagers think it was brilliant to share their AWFUL music on CTA?!?

*Why do old men (gross, yucky, unemployed, & otherwise unappealing men) think they can follow you and make you talk to them?!?

*Why do teenagers talk to so loud?!?

*Why do old people YELL into their phones--if you're yelling they ain't listening--but they hear you!!

*Whatever happened to carrying bookbags to school--little girl ended up losing her homework cause her dingy ass didn't have anywhere to put it.

*Why do hood people chew their gum so loud?!?

*Why do pseudo-buppies speak so loud?

*Why do we (black people) distinguish people as White Trina, Black Johnny?!? Guess sometimes race is our best descriptive huh?!?

*Why the hell did CPS pay $$$ for Jeremih(did I spell it worse than his momma, if so oops...) to come to a high school and sing birthday sex--better yet, why did he get a record deal off that awful ass song---then why the HELL is it an R.Kelly remix?!?!?

Last but certainly not least---
****Why the hell is R.Kelly 43 year old ass still making songs with/for 16 year olds?!? I mean isht no progress in his future huh?!?

Disclaimer for the masses...

2009-05-31T11:14:00.000-05:00

Hey y'all there have been many things happening I see there are new people that read my words--gratitude and all that for those that continue to read support & attempt understanding my thoughts.

Now you all know that fashion is something that I love respect adore thrive in and have a passionate desire to be involved in for my life. I have pondered about why this is my desire in such a strong way and how I could make this happen for me and I have come across a way to make this happen and how I can make it beneficial to my community. I am now in the process of making that happen. With that being the case I am truly truly not going to be around to take care of other people and their problems. I will not have time to sit and lament alongside you about the woes in your journey.
I will however take time to partner and align myself with like-minded people. I will submerge my thoughts and existence in the manifestation of what I need for my life & my dream.
So yeah. Out the game.

So that's that.

Now then can we talk a second about all these folks that have their manifestation of happiness, completion, wholeness...none of which even begin to sorta kind maybe touch yours? Like those people that think two kids a husband a house and a dog is happiness and constantly try to make that yours? And its like, well kids make me itch, dogs give me hives, and don't want to be anywhere permanently except a high rise on lake front...but you still being told you gotta do the kids, husband, dog, & house to be happy!
I'm like wow...I don't understand why you are manifests your dreams over my life? I have my own dreams I have my own plans I have my own thoughts (notice above I only mention the broad dream, but the specifics are more private). I praise God and my open mind that I am not imposing my thoughts and plans over other people, that I am able conceive the fact that people have other dreams, other thoughts, and manifestations of happiness joy peace, and overstanding those that are different from me.
Just be careful that you are not forcing your lifestyle and dreams upon others, including your family, friends, children & folks in your aura...

Peace & Blessings unto you all as you continue your journey towards enlightenment and overstanding.

Boy Oh Boy....Just an Update of It All....lol.....

2009-04-10T16:27:00.003-05:00

Hey there good people....i'm trying to really get back in the swing of things...but I've been losing hours of my life on Twitter (follow me @1uppitynegress....I'm just saying....) on Facebook...(LaTrice "Triniti" Janine gotta tell me where you found me if you request me).... therefore it's been rather difficult for me to write an actual blog considering that I am losing my life there....lol

but I have been BUSY! I am getting ready for this event June 7 with one of the companies that I'm going tomodel with...I'll give you all more details when I have them....the one thing that i do know...they want me to model wigs for Especially Yours....but I have a fly sew in that I am NOT compromising....lol!!!

I have also been working my buns of literally to Shaun T's Rocking Body Workout:

that little man works the heezy out your girl! I am telling yall he "Rocks My Body" literally!!!
I am soooooo trying to get my body together for the summer and he has been doing ya girl in....

But I am well aware that it will be worth in the mean time cause ya girl is getting her booty tight and her body right!!!
lol!!!!!

I am also excited to be wotking with a new event planning entity here in the Chi...matter of fact we are getting ready to do a great fashion event on May 23....@ Stan Mansion.....the location is so dope! like SUPER dope! I am enjoying getting ready for it....
for more info in the mean time hit the website....http://www.lashanellevent.com if you are a designer model dancer or stylist in the city you should hit the site and see if you can get involved....never know the opportunities are here...we just have to make them happen needless to say I am ACTIVELY seeking to make the moves happen with the quickness!!!
Told yall I'm taking the fashion industry by storm or takeover...whatever I gotta do....guerilla motives are awaiting.....lol!!!!!
On that note....if you good folks know of someone that needs image consulting or personal styling send them to ya girl....
Have Style...Will Travel.....(I'm thinking that I may need to add that to my business card....hmmmmm.....)
my email is ALWAY there for ya too....mailto:triniti.productions@gmail.com
Email me...whenever...tell me you found out about me on my blog then i'm even willing to give a discount....just let me know!!!

Anyway....the romantic front is dim these days....I'm not fooling with anyone right now...I am keeping to myself after dealing with Mr. Touchy Feely.....I'm sticking to the exercise tapes and leaving the men alone until I can deal with a man that going to constantly touch me and try to feel me up....maybe I didn't enjoy the groping cause I wasn't really feeling him....or maybe I just thought when I told dude to stop touching me he would get that I wasn't joking....dah well.....
i don't really know.....

anyways i'm gonna get back to work and then leave and go have a great time at the Artist Loft Party Tonight....if you're interested hit up @mreld on twitter(http://twitter.com/mreld) Direct Message her....or holla at Binkey or M'Reld on Facebook.....I'm not at liberty to give the address as the loft is a residence....but hit em up....the vibe is gonna be funky and it's food and drinks all night....till you leave....all for $10.....ain't too many places ya gonna enjoy yaself get a few performances for $10...all night....that's what I'm doing tonight....
oh and i'm gonna enjoy another event next sunday too with the same artists....
hit up http://www.culturalxchange.com to get the goods...the lowdown on it all...

Any questions....let me know....in the meantime....i need to find some food....i'm so doggone hungry....i'm getting my a spinach and mushroom salad....it's gonna be rather good.....i think....

talk to you all soon....
smooches!!!!!!!

peeking my head in...updates and such.....

2009-04-06T11:28:00.002-05:00

hey everyone.....
i have been majorly MIA i know.....
the last time i wrote a blog it was the day of diagnosis.....and it was the diagnosis that no one wanted to hear....
Momma was diagnosed with breast cancer. We have been moving forward with the doctors making sure that we treat the condition aggressively. I have been standing with her throughout this entire ordeal.....treatments...radiation...surgery....sooooo much....i'm growing and learning and hoping that there will be a day when Aetna health providers are taught how to deal with people that have cancer and other serious conditions.....
I know that there are many things that I can say to everyone regarding whats been happening but honestly I don't really want to.....

Thank you to EVERYONE that has sent me a note or tweeted me regarding my ma....I love yall for it.....

from there.....
i have been so doggone busy with working and helping momma and trying to make connections within my industry.
I had my first photo shoot last weekend....
it was an interesting experience watching myself on camera for over an hour.....
actually it was quite gross....i'm not narcissitic enough to enjoy it....besides my plan is to spend time BEHIND the camera.....not in front of it......
I am currently trying to really break into the industry...make sure that I make a place for brown thick girls!
I'm gonna be back on the prowl with my blogs a little more often now....we have made it out of the woods with mama....
and I'm on the move....
in a few days I'll tell y'all the story about me and the pawwy guy that wouldn't stop touching me....and now he won't stop calling.....
I'm thinking of sending him a text like this.....
Dear Paws:
you kept touching me even when I consistently asked you to stop....you took too many liberties with my person and now I would appreciate if you would simply walk towards Lake Michigan, northern end of course jump in and drown....
Without touching and hands off,
latrice.janine....

hmmm...i'm thinking that's my new text....
maybe i should add that too my voicemail...even though I am already being told that my voicemail is too long...but this should be well worth the trouble

until next time folks....

oh and i'm on twitter in case you didn't come from over there...even though i'm sure that that's why you all are from

twitter.com/1uppitynegress

smooches toodles
and all that!

my momma

2009-02-13T09:49:00.000-06:00

My momma is the 7th child in her family. And my grandma always told her that the 7th child is the lucky child, but also the sickly child. And she is. She was born with a heart murmur....a whole in her heart. She has had pneumonia twice. She had to have a hysterectomy two years ago cause she had fibroid tumors causing trouble. She has some kind of gastro intestinal disorder(which is where I get my stomach issues) and the wanted to do an invasive surgery at the beginning of the year but she declined. Three years ago she started having irregular mammograms. They had to do a biopsy. Found out it was benign but they put a chip in her breast to monitor the progression. Fast forward to Christmas Eve last year she had a mammogram. Irregular results. She goes back in for another in January. Irregular. Now she has a biopsy...a VERY invasive biopsy. That's last Tuesday. Yesterday she receives a letter from the radiology department. Her biopsy was irregular. And today...
We're awaiting the results. And to be honest...right now I'm just scared. And I know she is so tired of being sick. She said to me the other day that she just wants to go one year without being sick. Without having some kind of surgery. She said she wishes that she could just be well. It reminds me of Paul in Hebrews when he asked the Lord three times to remove the thorn in his side to remove his affliction. I just want my momma's affliction removed. I just want her made whole. I know in our weakness God is strong. I just want her strong. I don't understand why she has to suffer so much. I don't get it.....every year its something and I just want my momma to see the babies grow up. And I want her to be healthy and whole like my grandma. My grandma made 79 wednesday. She doesn't have the illnesses and sickness like my momma family. I'm scared. I want her to stop being sick. My friends mommas aren't always sick. Why my mama always sick. I'm sorry. This sounds crazy but its my thoughts right now.
Pray for us....

i think i may have an eating disorder...hmmm....

2009-02-04T00:18:00.000-06:00

Okay this is a quickie.... As we all know my relationship with food aint the best before I would eat emotionally to satisfy whatever I was feeling at that moment...now I'm having trouble committing to a meal outside of breakfast....which I smash!!!
Last week I could only eat a fourth of my chinese food...I had it for lunch/dinner the next morning for breakfast again for lunch and later on for dinner....it was a friggin lunch combo....

But the problem is at my current gig we don't have time for lunch breaks...my homegirl is a BEAST with them numbers (www.taxesetc.net if you need them taxes prepared!!) But anyway we are often so swamped its hard to take a break...so by the time I get home I am stupid hungry...I'll eat something decide I'm still hungry eat more and end up praying to the porcelain throne...and it happens a few times a week....I'm beginning to wonder if I'm bulemic...I mean the only thing is I don't have to make myself do it...its like my body is rejecting the extras....hmmm this can't be a good thing right?!?

I need feedback cause I don't have insurance so I'll have to go to the board of health for further diagnostics if the jury doesn't help me here...
Dah well sleep is calling and I musnt keep her waiting....

Ciao until later....

soooo...you fucking ya cousin now?!?

2009-02-02T17:58:00.000-06:00

Peace fam!
How are ya? Well I had such an interesting weekend I felt obligated to tell yall all about it...

Well everyone knows that my primary running buddy is my cousin and homie Drexel Red...no matter where I'm going I feel like him and his band of merry men ought to be along for the ride...I even spent my birthday with them... I know you all are wondering why I'm giving you all so much info...
But anyway my cousin texted me saturday evening asking if I wanted to hang out...well after spending the day with Shirley(my lovely lovely momma) I knew I could use some unwinding at the club and figured spendin the evening at Mixx wouldn't be a bad idea since cousin's friend told me the spot was known for its eye candy...
We get to the club only to find out there were only 7 people there...why you ask cause they were charging 20 bucks a pop...like dude its a recession, that's a pair of jeans...gotta think in those terms these days...anyway we end up at a hipster party down the street where I see mah mini me out and about with her homegirls kickin it...it was surreal at first considering she's a mini version of me and I know she had no business in the club but hell I was in clubs at her age so what can I say?!?
Anyway my cousin is feeling great insistenting on buyin drinks for everyone...including the ragatag hoe du jour that accompanied us this weekend...for purposes of not being the bitch I am I'll call the little hoe Stankee...yeah I did it...
Anyway typical of a silly little slore she drinks up all night as though she doesn't have to drive home...which means...yep you've guessed it the heifer begs mah cousin to drive her and her homegirl home...which I wouldve cared less about except mah house keys were back in mah cousin's car since we rode with his homeboi and had I went with him then I wouldve had to wait uo till my cousin got back from 5000 North for those that aint from chicago that's 50 blocks north of the middle of city and we all live between 93-96 blocks SOUTH of the city...yeah a hellified long way away!
Anyway to avoid inconveniencing J I end up riding north with cousin and Stankee...(I already didn't like her cause the last time we all hung out she spent the entire evening texting abd on the phone even though she was supposed to be out with mah cousin...and she wouldn't even dance with him...why the hell are you at the club if you don't dance?!) So needless to say I don't care for the chick anyway as soon as we ride to the North Pole to drop off her friend this bitch jumps on the phone asking about some dude at some other party...while mah cousin is driving her car.....
W

T

F
?!?
Needless to say Drexel Red is a drunk black man and he promptly asks her why she asking about other ninjahs when he right there...this broad gets an attitude talking about staying in ya place...well long story short they go back and forth and I'm thinking this fool gonna smash up Stankee's car and I didn't feel like being bothered with the dumb shit so I grabbed his shoulder like let this shit go homie....then Stankee puts her hand on him... Not a good look homie....he tells her ass get ya fucking hands off me and she finally does and gives me the look of death...throughout the rest of the ride I'm done with the hoe...talking to mah cousin and riding along with the whore giving me sideways glances...
We get to the car I get in mah cousin's car ans chill while they talked it out...
When he gets back to the car and he's talking about their convo...and he says to me that Stankee has decided that we are fucking...after telling her she's insane she says if yall aint fucking then she wanna fuck you...ha ha ha then she says well if you gonna be with me...then...
The bitch needs to be put in her place...

Right....bitch needs to be put in her place?!?

Needless to say I'm still waiting to figure out what bitch needs to be put where...

Alright I gotta go...Gossip Girl is coming on and I have to be ready for that...
I'll be back thursday to let yall know how the pics from today's photo shoot went....
Told yall I'm a model now yall...ha ha ha ha!!!

thinking and updating mah life as it is.....

2009-01-16T16:36:00.003-06:00

Greetings follow bloggers and such!
I have been sooooo busy since the year has began and it's not such a bad thing! as you all may know i have finally quit the assignment from hell and moved along to the full time tax assisting job that people generally think that would be from hell but i must say...i don't mind it....
i mean some of the people are a little rude but ma mama been telling me for years that i ought to kill people with kindness and i must say that upon arrival in the office i am so damn professional them folks can't say a word....and for that i say hell yeah!

on to the other saga....we all know that the young'un and i are no longer dealing with one another...to that end i decided that it was truly not worth the trouble of even keeping the door ajar let alone open....which was a great thing...however in an attempt to continue being....you know...niiiice.....i continued iming with him...when this past tuesday he clicks in and asks me how i'm doing and such....i am of course working so i say fine working.....then:

young'un: i am sooooo tired
me: oh...well why are you so tired homie?
young'un: well i was cleaning up
me: okay....so why are you cleaning yet again?
young'un:(complete silence....or in this case nothing typed...)
me: helllo?!? what's her name? it must be ya new girl....
young'un: well maybe i shouldn't tell you this...
me: whatever...i think i'm a big enough girl to take it...
young'un: well your feelings maybe hurt....
me: derr...what!?!?
young'un: it's my new girlfriend...and i don't want to hurt you with us being friends and all now....

Is this ninja insane?!?!
the hell?
i mean for real y'all what the hell is wrong with this ninja?
i told him i was done and i'm upset that you are 700 miles away effing with a virgin....oh yeah...forgot that part right?!?!? ha ha ha!
yeah....
i'm tripping....maybe it's me....maybe i'm crazy but i knew that he wasn't waiting around in the dirty south waiting on me...
is it possible that this negro THOUGHT i was waiting around for him? please beg the hell out of my pardon....
dah well...it's prolly mah fault for being accesible and polite right?

whatever....
soon as we get over this ridiculous cold front that's happening here in the land of freeze.....
i'm getting back on my routine and and getting that body super right baby!!!

now let's figure out the hairstyle that we will go with for the year....

Super Short

short yet coily

you remember this? it was the latest

then there's alway the nice long bob...

and we all know Nia kilt(yes Kilt) it with this simple bangs in front joint

and then i also kind of like that curly joint....which on a bored day can be straightened.....

soon as i decide the springtime hairstyle...i'll be sure to let EVERYONE know....
love yall...
smooches boos!!!
have a wonderful weekend!!
i'm bundling up and enjoying cocoa all weekend mahself....

the plot thins...then thickens again....hmmm....

2009-01-02T10:33:00.003-06:00

well....Suga you said had it been you your eyebrow would've been raised....honey let me tell you....my eyebrow almost jumped off my face this past week....

let's just say me and the young'un were officially done...i was through...
if anyone is my facebook/myspace homie you would've peeped the status i had for about 4 days....
"officially over you...."
yep....i had enough and i had to take a stand cause that ex girlfriend was really getting out of control....she was able to find out who i am and began to reall wreack havoc on the possible developing relationship between and the young'un....and let me tell ya folks....i don't mess around with crazy exes....especially considering the me and the young'un were only a maybe....
I told him that until he was able to really really let go of that entire situation....i couldn't do it.....
(yes i am giving him his credit in the situation....folks ain't gonna REALLY keep acting crazy if you aren't fueling their foolishness in SOME way....I mean....really.....)

of course once i gave him my two finger salute(Yes Diana....I actually talked to him about it....even though we both know I was determined to not talk to him again....EVER...EVER!!! LOL!) I began to feel like maybe i was being a little mean I mean after all he is a young'un and he doesn't really know as much about women as he is convinced that he does....

so i broke down and sent him a text asking if he wanted to hang out yesterday(New Year's Day) since he was in town for a minute....why why why why did i think this was a good idea people?!?!
I mean I can't even blame this on being drunk and texting i was completely sober and aware of what I was doing....trying to maintain our friendship....because we still have to interact with one another on a semi-professional level and i wanted to make sure that there would be no ill will.....

We got together yesterday afternoon and hung out....it was a great time except for the fact that I had some Maui Maui that apparently set out too long on NYE....compounded with the drunken debauchery surrounding NYE i was out the game ALL day yesterday....I mean if i didn't know any better I would been running to Walgreens or CVS trying to find out when the little socialite was coming....ya digg?!? however because of my current lifestyle that was out of the question...but I was so ill yesterday I couldn't even stand the motion that it would have taken for me to get home....so we walked around downtown...with him rubbing my stomach and doing everything but holding my hair as i prayed to the porcelain throne(not very uppity...but it's life...) it was hilarious...the congratulatory looks we kept getting everytime i came crawling out the ladies room were a bit much for my soul...but he thought it was funny.....
before we parted ways for the evening we hugged and talked and then we kissed...very nice....very nice....but very not something you are supposed to do with a guy that you have decided to just be friends with....not unless you are friends with benefits maybe...and we are not....

so needless to say that he wanted to come by to check on me once again after i went home....however because of the vast amounts of electrolytes lost yesterday I had to pass on the visitation last evening....

but we are supposed to go out for lunch today....

and i am thinking that maybe i shouldn't....i mean....maybe we should just stick to saying what's up in passing....but.....i'm not sure i wanna.....

dah well.....

lunch is in a couple of hours....maybe i just won't turn my phone back on....

2008-12-22T13:17:00.003-06:00

Ladies we have all heard that we should have a list a non negotiable list of things that we will not compromise when we are looking for Mr Right vs Mr Right Now.
Over the years I have made my own list as well including
*the fact he must Love and Know Jesus.
*he must have legal income.
*must be able to deal with my artistic free spirit.

Well over the past few months I have discovered a few more deal breakers that include but are not limited to this list. After going out on a date with a dude that embodied all the characteristics of a true gentleman. Shouts out to Young Jay.
I have rethought some of the deal breakers and I'm listing the newer ones below
(now please note I observe EVERYTHING none of this is from personal experience but experiences I've witnessed that have caused me to reevaluate certain things...ya know?!?):
*when we go out. Please make sure I'm in the car before you put your seat belt......I'm not saying open the door and assist me in everytime. But could you at least be sure I am IN the car before you are belted in?!?

*i don't care how tall your friend is.......if we're on a date I shouldn't be sitting in the back. Bottom line.....its a date!

*and if we're on a date, and its the first one unless we have a bunch of friends in common, let's not make it a group thing especially if its only YOUR group!

*please please please don't think that taking me to an open bar/free food event is a date...homie we are haning at best....

*if we are on a date/outing and you see your other chick/sidechick/main chick...don't ignore me until she leaves...you'd do better introducing me or acting as if you don't see her....cause i see you seeing her....i'm not dumb...

*oh and telling a chick you dig her only to not attempt to call her or see until someone else brings her up....deal breaker homie...you don't like her...hell you don't even know her....

i've observed several other mistakes being made by guys..and i will update this on a semi-regular basis...and ladies...don't think you are off the hook....i will be adding a seperate list like....
*if you spend the whole evening texting then disappear for an hour come back and have to go meet your "sister" he shouldn't mess with you again...bottom line...who do you think is THAT stupid boo?!?!

musings....as usual

2008-12-19T10:49:00.005-06:00

soooo....
i first must say that i had no idea i had readers....and commenters even! i'm such a loser....pray for me...lol!!!

now after that...i've been listening to the Tweet Fan Station on Yahoo music...and it's playing all of this great 90's girl groups...Jade, SWV, Zhane...and many others...

after listening to these ladies of the 90's and thinking over some of the greater songs i'm just thinking them over...

that coupled with the fact that my friend that i am talking to right now...i mean i don't know how else to put it...i know i sound like someone's granny but it is what it is folks....anyway he and i had a conversation this morning and i'm attempting to process it...but it dealt with the former and i am not sure how much i will accept that they are still in constant contact with one another....
i mean like there are those that i am still in contact with from my past because they are in the same social circle and there is a need for a level of social decorum though i am not yet above dogging him out when given the chance....i said social decorum...not maturity....

anyway listening to all of these great songs and thinking over the words...i'm just a bit confused as to where i should go with these things because i know that i am still relatively knew to the situation and that there are always going to be loose ends that need to be tied up...as well as i can't expect that he cut her off (even though i think that every one needs to severe ties with exes for at least six months in order to make sure that everyone fully understand that the break up did indeed take place.... i mean really do we need the chance for there to be misunderstandings?!?!)

anyway i don't know...i wish that i wasn't the type that thought so damn much....and i mean i reallllllly think too damn much on things...but right now i've gave him a little bit of an indication that i wasn't totally okay...he asks me three times....and of course i said nothing...nothing....and then......

exactly...i tipped him off...and now....

silence....

hmmmm....

dah well.....any suggestions?!? i promise now that i've learned a little more about this blogging thing i am getting the updates that i have comments i will be around to respond better than before.....scouts honor....

no lurking please....this is my space for thoughting.....talk to me....

hmm...that's interesting....

2008-11-21T14:41:00.002-06:00

For years I was an emotional eater...happy sad...bored...mad...i would grab something to much on and munch the pain or whatever emotion away...well when i realized this was my way of dealing and coping i started to ask that this be taken away...

at first i wasnt sure if this was happening...as i would still sometimes munch when things would happen...but then i began to really pay attention to my habits...and i am amazed that now i am one of those people that no longer turn to food for comfort...sounds great right?!?!?

well it would be if it wasn't for the fact that today i had a very emotionally draining conversation
and i am really really dealing with it as best that i can....but i had the conversation right before my lunch break...
and now i'm not hungry...
actually there is a knot so huge in the center of my stomach that i can't imagine even beginning to eat...i went to lunch anyway...and ate about three forkfuls of my salad and three lemon heads...
i'm beginning to now think that maybe i'm an emotional drinker...
actually i'm beginning to know that i am emotional drinker...
but leaving work to go to binny's and get a 5th of anything is completely out of the question...
i mean for real....
drinking at work....
that's not my thing....

but to be honest....

sometimes i wish that i could still eat emotionally...

at worst it'll cost me the 30lbs i lost....

but...you know

at least it would give me something to do until i am able to process the pain that is in my chest....

i'm so sick of being damn confused!

2008-11-18T10:53:00.002-06:00

okay...
so there is this dude that i am talking to right now...and because i never really though of him in that manner it kinda seems that it just happened and i'm going with the flow of it...
and i'm thinking that this is fun...enough anyway...
and then there is this other dude that implies that he wants to talk to me...but i'm pretty sure that he just wants to fuck which is one thing...but to pose as though you want more or to try and make me make the first move is really pissing me off...to the point where i'm not really even interested in the situation at all...not that i ever really was interested in the situation cause i just don't be on that relationship/situation shit anymore...

why am i not?
well because i spent 2003-2007 going back and forth between these two dudes with a few others spinkled in for variety of course...and i have decided that until i have exaclty what i want standing in front of me i am not dealing with any more situations...instead i will have fun with those that i choose and keep the movement going forward...

well this is wouldnt pose a problem except that i think that one dude does really want a relationship with me and i am not sure that i am interested in going in that direction...i mean i like him and all...but i don't know...and i'm confused because i am not sure whether or not i should continue doing things with him...or if i should let the jets cool and keep mahself wide open...

i mean i don't know...

i really had no intentions of being romantically involved with anyone until next year since right now mah main focus is supposed to be ridding mahself of the african villagers living on mah hips...and i am doing well with thati will add in case anyone cared....

well for fear of either of them reading this as this is an open blog that is posted on both crackspace and bookface ah will end this here...that and the fact that ah am officially off break five minutes before ah even started writing this....hmmm...yeah trifling ah know....

feel free to leave a comment with a suggestion or not...or just ignore this as though it never happened....either way ah'm sure that the confusion will lie inside until ah get to the point where ah stop responding to everything and everyone...that or the fact that ah may decide to actually make it a go with dude #1....either way...you'll be the first to know....whoever you are strange people stumbling upon mah private thoughts....lol!

oh and if you are reading this and feel that you are dude 1 or 2.....i didn't post names dates or pictures...consider yaself lucky...ah've grown up...some anyway....

ponderings of moi

2008-11-15T00:38:00.000-06:00

So. Tonight was the a first of mah last three joints at mah good friends store while we are seeking a new location the closing of mah homegurl's store is bittersweet to say the least. I'm still processing that in two weeks ah won't be stopping there after work or running through on Saturdays. But I digress this is about me and mah thoughtings....

Tonight I am feeling a good buzz and a great desire for nothing else a man to share this buzz with, not necessarily a beau but a friend....hmmm
Liquor always makes me want to sleep alongside someone else.
I'm not sure if its the sober mind vs drunk one theory but after a night of debauchery sleeping and holding someone is always great.
I think that's all for now
I'm goin to lay down wait for him to call and though I may not be sleeping with him traditionally I'll at least have him to talk. me to sleep.

Until then folks.....happy drunk and otherwise blogging!

marrying up?!?!?

2008-11-11T21:27:00.003-06:00

okay...for those that know me know that i have been on my new movement towards a healthier me...and though it's not been the easiest change....i haven't has as much trouble with the change...

there are various things that have been assisting me with this change and among the one that i just realized tonight is that i have decided that i am sick and tired of being middle class....and i'm not upper middle class either...i am straight the fuck up middle of the road middle class....and i decided that i want to marry up...

the one thing that i know will get me in the eyesight of these wealthier men is having my body right...

i'm not saying that this is the only thing that will get their attention....i'm just willing to admit that me losing and sculpting my body will give me an unfair advantage over your typical chick standing on the corner....simply because i'm already pretty fucking fly...it's like the icing on the cake or the extra string of pearls that put that next accent on the lbd that you're wearing...and yes people it always comes back to fashion.....

i mean dammit i want to make my mark in th fashion industry...and i'm not sure if anyone has noticed...but Rachel Zoe, Taylor...or that other skinny little white girl that's always in the news have been accused of being a fat ass....

so essentially in order for me to marry into that next bracket...so ladies as i have come off a day of grocery shopping and basically lounging i realized that i am going to do this weight loss thing not only for me....but for my mama too....shoot she needs to live well in old age....and for my nieces in nephews....i'm sure if i've told you all but i have 5 nieces and 6 nephews...their parents are not going to be able to send them ALL to college....that's where tee tee comes in...she comes with her wealthy husband and covers the costs that momma and daddy can't....

i mean you all understand....

right?!?!

and if you don't...oh effing well...i understand i am willing to give it of myself!

i am a chick.....100% chick!--Yesterdays Original Post

2008-11-10T07:59:00.000-06:00

1st installment of the I am such a friggin girl series:
So....I am often around people and I hear young ladies saying how if they see a man that they want they are going after then. They say that they are willing to chase the man and I'm usually sitting there like wow.....wish I had that sort of gumption about mahself....like I would never go to a dude and just say yeah baby.....I saw you looking at me....so what's up....you got a girl? No? Want one? I'm not her....I'm the one that kinda thinks maybe he's a cutie but that's as far as it goes. I tell mah male friends how much I admire them all the time. The fact that dudes will take that chance of being rejected.....man that's something I can never do....even if I'm 99% sure that dude is digging me I'll keep letting opportunities pass.... For while I thought dammit why can't I get over that silly little fear till I was talking to my surrogate Mama and she said that there is only so much that the woman can do to let the man know she's interested without being overbearing and gasp....mannish.... And as we saw from my title I'm far from that. So I guess I'm saying all of this to say don't look for me to make the first move. The fact that I'm sitting here rubbing your arm or in your lap....yep that's the most you're gonna get out of me...... And I think that's pretty damn forward as it is.... And generally if you have me there moving in for the kiss....well I just figured that would be the next step....not letting me walk away..... I don't know....one day maybe I'll change....but somehow I truly doubt it.....

introduction.....

2008-11-10T07:42:00.000-06:00

Hi folks....
I am here at blogspot not because anything has happened with me and the good folks at crackspace....but because I have a series of blogs that are bubbling over seeking to break free and instead of bombarding your crackspace with my overwhelming need to share I figured I would go ahead and utilize the blogspot blog I've had all this time.
As started yesterday on Myspace I am beginning a series of blogs about me and my overwhelming chickness....and I don't mean in terms of chicness....or fashion sense though I am sure those will come later....this for now is dealing with me being such an effing girl.... A diary of sorts.... Come along this journey with me.... Or not....as I write not to assist or aid you in your struggles as much to assist and aid me in my freedom of mind.....
Welcome to the uppity files.....do hope you enjoy....